Lookism: What Am I Even Doing?

Chapter Thirty-Four

For the past couple of days I've been on strict house arrest. Uncle has even forbidden me from helping him out in the shop. He tried to ban the basement from me as well, fearing that the memory of what I had done would send me into another spiral. Thankfully Viola told him that not beating a shit out of a bag would drive me even more insane.

So that's how I spend most of my days when I'm not in school. Killing my body so I can distract myself even if it's just a bit from what I had done. To be honest, the more I think about it, the more strange it all seems. It was like I wasn't in complete control of myself. Then again, that's why I have to take those damn pills anyway.

I feel so pitiful in my current situation. I'm not even allowed to walk to school and back anymore. Uncle drops me off in the morning, right at the front gate, and Viola is there to pick me up. I feel so damn pathetic but it's what I deserve.

School is so much worse than the shop. Sookie has been bothering me to tell her what happened and all I've been willing to tell her is that I told Vasco no. I know it was wrong of me to tell her but I felt that if I told her she'd judge me more harshly than my family.

I can't bring myself to eat lunch in the cafeteria with everyone else. Sookie thinks it's because I'm too damn shy after rejecting him. In reality, I feel that if I see him the guilt would quite literally make me so nauseous I'll make a fool of myself in front of the entire school body.

And what if everyone else already knows? People have been acting the same as they usually do but I can help but think. What if they're just really good at acting? Earlier Hwan passed by our classroom to greet us and I couldn't help but watch him. If anyone knew anything about everything it was him. So I watched him with clear suspicion waiting for him to expose me to the world as the monster I was.

My Uncle has been trying desperately to get a hold of Mrs. Torrez. I was surprised that she didn't answer all the text messages we've sent her. We were hesitant to call since there's a large time gap from Korea to the US. But it's come to the point where we were forced to call.

Apparently Pori's mom said her office relocated out of town to some city. They weren't really sure where since it was really sudden. It was also out of character. Mrs. Torrez had originally come from New York and she told us how much she despised the crowded streets which is why she came to a small town like ours.

Uncle has been trying to get the number of her new office but I highly doubt he will. He's been on his computer in his free time trying to find her but he just can't. Viola is struggling as well which means that's probably a lost cause. That scary lady could find anything.

As my freshman year comes to an end I can feel my nerves getting worse by the day. It no longer feels safe to talk to Zoe or Mira in person so I do what I can to call them after school so I can remember their voices for the year to come. Zoe often video calls me worried as to why I've been so reclusive lately. I always crack some joke to get out of the question. Even Daniel has started texting me worried. Probably feeling something is wrong now that he hasn't seen me at the corner store for a while now.

Viola asked if we should find someone else I can talk to. The problem was that I felt comfortable with Mrs. Torrez and she were already familiar with...well...almost everything. She's been with me ever since my parents adopted me. Of course, there are things that she doesn't know like where I truly come from but other than that...

Finding someone new wasn't as simple as you think. First you have to find someone that shares your values. Then once you do that there's an adjustment period. Some therapists are more pushy than others. Others like to take it slow. After that little adjustment period is over and you feel you aren't a match then you have to go through it all again from the beginning with someone new.