Lookism: What Am I Even Doing?

Chapter 85

Wonderful Song

(Ila's POV)

Richard and Haruki rushed me into the train before my panic attack made us ruin our tasks. We went into the last seating car of the train. Johan was somewhere deep behind us as we got into our seats at the opposite end of the train. We were supposed to confront him before the train took off but I don't know what use I could be like this.

I looked down at my hands as I pressed against the window seat. Haruki gently massaged the back of my neck with his hand as he talked with Richard. I'm not really sure what they were saying. I couldn't really hear anything at the moment except the blood rushing to my ears. Though I suppose it had something to do with getting our actual fucking jobs done.

All I wanted to do was hide away and curl up into a tight ball. My hands...they were cold and fuzzy. It felt like they had fallen asleep but they also felt weak. It's as if someone took the blood and strength from them. The same thing went for my legs. There was also this tightness in my chest as I tried hard to breath. And somewhere in the distance I could pick out the smell of wood and leather. Every other smell had completely disappeared from my nose.

How pathetic was this? How pathetic was I?

I can't even believe how I can live like this anymore. Why do I think being angry and pushing everyone away will make this better? Do I look better right now? What exactly am I trying to achieve? Because right now I'm seeing that my decisions are slowly tearing me apart.

This was supposed to be a good thing. If you look at it simply, I get to see my friends who I haven't seen in so long. And I hate to admit it but I do think of them. I don't care if my memories hold no true worth. Mira sitting as she studied. Zoe walking down the hallway as she talked. Daniel when he would wave me hi in the cafeteria.

Aren't those things supposed to be beautiful? Things like that are supposed to give me strength to keep going. To give meaning to everything that I've done and promised to take care of from behind the scenes. So why do I feel this way? So afraid and weak at the mere sight of them?

Was...I that ashamed of who I was?

Of who I am? Because if we're honest, I haven't changed at all despite all of this.

And now because of my weaknesses I was going to ruin all of this and get us in trouble with Jong-su. I can't even begin to imagine what that fucker would do to me if I ruined this for us.

Wh-what if he expected me to react this way? That theory wasn't so far-fetched. If Seo-ah took care to make sure we were the only ones on this train with Johan, then she must've known that everyone else would be here. Seo-ah wasn't a cold person, she would've told me. I hope at least. So, this had to be a trick of some sorts planned by Jong-su. If there were cameras on this train...I can promise you that he's watching me right now with a smile on his face.

Just exactly is his problem with me? Why is he so obsessed with letting me feel so little, so tiny, so small and hopeless? Other Me can't even find it in her to feel angry anymore with my reactions. Even now, as I feel her at the back of my mind, all I could feel was her disappointment. Well placed disappointment. Because I'm looking at myself too and I can't imagine someone being this weak.

What the hell is wrong with me?

There was a weird chime as the doors announced they were going to close. Haruki and Richard still haven't moved. Right now they have opted for staring at each with stern glances as they talked to each other in some telepathic landscape. I managed to catch my breath as well as enough strength to push Haruki's hand away from my neck.