Lookism: What Am I Even Doing?

Chapter 76

(Ila's POV)

I thought I was doing fine as I got into the elevator but I should've seen the signs. Like the way my brain shut itself off from everything else and the way my eyes glazed over. Or maybe how the sound of the outside world became a muffled scream inside my head. It's like my mind was desperately trying to protect me from all the chaos raging inside.

Then there was a slight tremor in my hands as I waited for us to get back to my room floor. Seo-ah had come right on time and I didn't even say hello or goodbye. My feet sent me straight to the office to check out. Richard followed closely behind me as I switched elevators and as I rushed out as soon as the door opened.

I unlocked my door using my pin and yanked the damn mask off my face as I ran upstairs and began puking into the toilet. I was too lost sticking my damn fingers in my mouth to get rid of the disgusting feeling in the pit of my stomach to process the fact I had gotten up here on this blasted knee so fast or that Richard had gently grabbed my hair a few moments later.

His large gentle presence did nothin to soothe me as I let yellow bile fill the toilet bowl. A rough burning sensation layered at the back of my throat making it feel like I haven't drank anything in weeks. But I knew it wasn't because I was thirsty. That feeling was there because the acid was scratching against my skin and probably soaking into my lungs.

After a while I leaned away from the toilet. My ass hit the ground heavily as I let out ragged breaths. Richard let go of my hair as I pressed my knees against my chest and tried my best to control my emotions. To be honest...Eun was right. Whether it was me hallucinating or not, she was right.

I'm so damn pathetic.

So damn disgusting.

I th-thought that today would be fine. That I could find some twisted way of pushing through. But as soon as her video came out onto the screen everything came flooding back to me in a violent churn of red. God, I can't even go through one single day of this shit. How do I expect to live the rest of my life this way?

And what happens on Friday and Saturday when I have to go through the worst of it? I can't run away from that. I'd have to stand there and watch everything happen with pristine clarity. Even drugged up it's too much for me to handle. Maybe I should just shoot up, snort, and swallow every damn thing I can get my hands on. The worst thing that could happen is that I'd OD. Or...would that even be such a bad thing.

I smacked my head as the thought popped into my head. No! I can't be stupid like that! If I die then who'd stay here to make sure everyone's safe. No...I have to keep going. I don't fucking care how much it hurts or floods me, I have to fucking take it. Because if I don't then why the hell did I do all of that for?

"I'll see you at work tomorrow."

.

.

.

"You too..."

As soon as he left a shadow loomed over me. Eun took a step out from behind me and took a seat next to me on the bathroom floor. Her bloody face smiled at me and from up close I could see the skin falling off from the corner of her mouth. She rested her arms on her knees as she tilted her head to look at me.

"~How are you holding up?"

"...shut the hell up."

Eun laughed, "What's the fun in that though? I've been so terribly lonely in that pretty head of yours. Besides, watching you fall apart is so much better than being dead. Hey, want to hear me sing? I have a pretty good voice."