Lookism: What Am I Even Doing?

Chapter 79

(Ila's POV)

I can't do this.

I can't do this.

I CAN'T FUCKING DO THIS!

Water splashed onto the ends of my cheeks as I retched into the toilet. I gripped tightly onto the sink counter and pressed my other hand against the wall as my body swayed mindlessly between ragged breaths.

This whole time I thought that my first day would be the roughest but I think I was tossing aside just exactly what I would see today. What I would have to take part of. Throughout the week I've been feeding my mind lies, saying that all I was doing was watching over these people and making sure they got what they needed. I made sure no one came to hurt them, they didn't hurt themselves, and that they did they're stupid exercise videos.

But what fucking lies as I supposed to tell myself this time to make me feel better?

Don't worry. They fucking like it?

Thinking those two sentences alone was enough to make me start vomiting again.

How the hell did these people expect me to do something so disgusting like this? And Richard...fucking Richard. Do you know what that damn asshole told me when our shift ended this morning? Since it's Friday we have to come back at 8:30 pm so he told me to eat something and rest up.

Eat and Rest.

In that bald headed brain capsule of his, where did he think I'd be able to pretend that it would be alright? Does it look like I'm doing fucking alright?! Eat and fucking rest! Even if I was starving, nothing would be able to stay in my stomach long enough to process! And every time I close my eyes I'll see some disgusting old man over some drugged up 'product.'

"If you're going to be such a pussy about it, why don't you ask the big dude for more of those damn pills? Drug yourself up or something. Seeing you like this is pissing me off."

I glanced at my other self from the corner of my eye. She leaned against the opened bathroom door in a relaxed manner. Well mostly. There was something weird happening in those red eyes of hers. But like she said, I was probably just pissing her off. Damn prick.

"Oh?" I brushed my hair out of my face, "I'm pissing you off am I? Well you can go eat a bag of fucking dicks. I'm the one who should be fucking pissed right now. You don't have to do any of this disgusting shit. All you have to do is hide away in the back of my mind somewhere."

"It doesn't work like that."

"I'm pretty sure it does. I'm the crazy one with some crazy schizophrenic type shit or whatever inside my damn head."

"You don't know anything."

"Go to fucking hell."

"I never asked for you."

Never asked for me? I turned around and whipped her the sassiest look I could muster. The fuck was this fake ghost bitch talking about? If anything, I never asked to be fucking insane. And I know I shouldn't be egging on my damn hallucinations but I think I'm past the point of fucking caring. There's a dozen other things that I have to deal with.

Most importantly being how I'm supposed to witness people getting fucking-I gagged. Oh for fucks sake...I coughed up a bunch of phlegm then spit it into the bowl. Shit...was that supposed to be fucking red? Fuck it, whatever. Who even cares if I'm fucking dying. If I die then maybe Jong-su will take pity on me and not hurt anyone I care about. Though I don't know if that bastard is capable of feeling empathy at all.

"~I'm coming. I'm coming! Don't die on us!"

Great, now I have to deal with the other bitch too. Eun came running into the restroom, nearly bumping into my other self as she did. Other me gave her the finger which she ignored. Eun kneeled down in front of me and handed me a small bowl with murky pale liquid. It smelled a bit sweet and earthy.