Lookism: What Am I Even Doing?

Chapter 73

(Ila's POV)

Paranoia...is something far more dangerous than drugs. When you inject yourself with a dose of LSD the images come to you in dizzying colors as you lay back ever so slowly. Time slows...bodies blend together...the soft ticking of electricity magnifies with every second...and the color...the color of everything becomes so beautiful.

At least, when you're on drugs, there's pleasure in the experience.

I thought I was a paranoid person a long time ago. I would be careful of my surroundings and of people. Now I see it was only a necessary precaution. No, not even that. Back then I was simply anxious and that anxiety made me observant.

Do you want to know what paranoia really feels like?

It feels like you're going insane.

You feel stupid.

After the stupidity, it makes you feel terrified.

Then embarrassed.

Then guilty.

Then stupid again.

THEN SCARED.

THEN IT REPEATS AND REPEATS.

UNTIL EVERY TIME YOU LOOK FORWARD YOU FEEL THIS NAGGING FEELING AT THE BACK OF YOUR NECK LIKE SOMEONE IS WATCHING YOU. BUT NO ONE IS WATCHING YOU. YOU KNOW THAT SOMEONE CAN'T BE WATCHING YOU BECAUSE YOUR ALONE. BUT WHAT IS SOMEONE IS? SO YOU LOOK BEHIND YOU AD OF COURSE THERE'S NO ONE THERE. BUT YOU FEEL LIKE SOMEONE IS. SO YOU CHECK BEHIND THE CURTAINS JUST IN CASE. THEN YOU CHECK BEHIND THE DOORS AND INSIDE THE CABINETS. THEN YOU START LOOKING IN THE STUPIDEST OF PLACES AND NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING TO YOURSELF. HOW CAN SOMEONE HIDE HERE? THEY CAN'T FIT HERE. BUT YOU CHECK ANYWAY. YOU CHECK IN-BETWEEN THE SOFA CUSHIONS, THE SMALL CRACK IN THE WALL, YOU LOOK INSIDE YOUR DESK, AT THE LIGHTS ON THE CEILING, AND IN EVERY SINGLE PLACE YOU CAN THINK OF.

Eventually

You start tearing things apart.

Because if you can't see them then maybe they left something behind.

Maybe they're watching you through a small peep hole or camera.

Then when you finish tearing everything apart you don't know where you are anymore. You swear that things don't fit where they used to. Things have gone missing, the air smells different, and all of your clothes are mismatched. Someone...or something...has to be messing with you. Because if they aren't then that must mean you're going insane. But you know you're not insane so someone must be really watching you.

It's a dangerous cycle.

Filled with delusion, just like drugs but without the pleasure. So that's why, some people add pleasure by taking drugs.

I couldn't admit to myself that I was paranoid until a couple days after Seo-ah visited me after I woke up. It was nothing big...no tearing at the walls or yelling about things that didn't exist but...I could just feel it.

I COULD FEEL SOMETHING WATCHING ME.

And it made sense in my mind. It still makes sense.

These people have been watching me secretly and they seem to know everything. And if they know everything that must mean they've been following me. And to follow me they must keep an eye on me. And to keep an eye on me they have to know where I'm going. And to know where I'm going they need to be listening to me. And to be listening to me they have to have something in these damn walls spying on me. And if they have something spying on me then that means I'm never alone.

You see? I'm not insane. It all makes sense.

I didn't make it obvious at first. What I could do was sneak out of bed in the middle of the night when the nurses and doctors were gone then I'd use the restroom. It would take me so long and it would hurt so much but that's the only time I had to look around the room. And I mean look around everywhere.