Lookism: What Am I Even Doing?

What It Means to Be Quiet

My eyes hung nervously at the tip of my book. I wasn't really reading it, I was too nervous too. Though putting it down would only make me nervous too. At least this way I looked like I was doing something with my life. Not sitting alone...like always...hoping that people didn't think I was some weirdo who didn't talk to people.

It's not that I didn't want to.

It's just...people...didn't reall-

Just then a girl from my class smiled at me. W-as she really looking at me? I looked around me. Nervousness filled my chest. Oh god, what do I do? What do I do? Technically we've never held a proper conversation with each other before. She's only asked me a couple times to borrow a pencil. Was that all it took though to make friends?

I put my book down, sliding my food tray aside. None of my food had been touched. Not because I wasn't hungry. I'm actually starving but eating in front of people was...well...it's just...it made me nervous. Especially since I always sat by myself. I didn't even have a good table.

Mine was right next to the cafeteria door so during the warmer months, the hot air would overpower the blasting AC. During the winter, the cold air would do the same for the heat. It also always smelled like weed over here too.

She walked towards me and I smiled at her.

What should I do?

Do I wave?

Friends wave at each other right?

No, no.

Technically we're not friends right?

So waving would be weird.

But at the same time not waving seems rude.

How about a small friendly wave?

But wouldn't that just be awkward?

Just as I was about to raise my hand at her she ran straight past me. The smile faded away from my face as she swung into the arms of her boyfriend. I cleared my throat and looked nervously around my table. Suddenly the grapes on my tray weren't in the right position and I think my book was a bit dirty. Anything to make me forget about the awkwardness of what just happened.

N-no one saw that right?

I looked around the cafeteria. Time slowed down as I watched everyone in their seats. Trash flew off the tables, people got up their seats, smiles filled their faces, some of them bent over picking food from their plates. They looked at each other. They looked at the table. They looked at the ceiling. They looked at the floor. They looked at the birds outside the window.

Not a single one of them was looking at me.

...

Well, at least...no one saw that.

I picked up a grape from my tray and stared at it. It was around the size of my thumb's fingernail. A bit smaller compared to the rest of them. I squished it a couple times before setting it on the chair next to me.

At least....this way...we can both be small together.