desertion

91

LYDIA

The loading screen on my laptop flickered for a moment before Dr. Hargrove's familiar face appeared. Her kind eyes and warm smile were exactly as I remembered. It had been about two months since our last session-a bit before my seizures started-but she didn't look any different.

"Hi, Lydia," she said, her voice as steady and soothing as ever. "It's so good to see you again!"

"Hey." I replied quietly, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

"How have you been?" She asked, leaning forward slightly.

I hesitated, my hands fidgeting with the hem of my sweatshirt. Where do I even begin?

"Honesty?" I said with a nervous laugh. "It's been a lot.

She nodded, her expression understanding. "That's okay. Let's take it one step at a time. Tell me what's been going on."

I took a deep breath, trying to gather my thoughts. "Well, I guess the big thing is that my seizures that started a few weeks ago. They started out of nowhere, and it's been... overwhelming, to say the least. I had to stop working, which I loved, and ever since then, it feels like everything's been spiraling out of control."

Her brows furrowed slightly in concern. "That sounds incredibly difficult. How are you coping with everything?"

I shrugged, my gaze dropping to my lap. "Not great, if I'm being honest. I feel like I've been on edge constantly. And Dad and I... we've been arguing a lot."

"About what?"

"Everything," I said with a sigh. "At first, it was about me going back to work. He doesn't want me to push myself too hard, but I feel useless just sitting at home all day. And then it just... snowballed. Little things would set us off, and we'd both say things we didn't mean."

Dr. Hargrove's expression remained calm, but I could tell she was processing everything I said. "Can you tell me about one of those arguments?"

I hesitated, the memory of our fight still fresh in my mind. "There was one really bad one," I admitted. "I said some things I regret-things that hurt him. I told him that he wasn't there for me when I was a kid, when he was enlisted. I didn't mean it the way it came out, but it just... slipped."

Her gaze softened. "How did he respond to that?"

"He got quiet," I said, my throat tightening. "And then he told me he was doing what he thought was best for me and Chris. I know that-I've always known that-but in the moment, I just wanted him to understand how I felt. Living with my grandparents while he was away was... hard. I felt invisible, like I didn't matter to anyone."

"And have you been able to talk to him about how you felt back then?"

I nodded slowly. "Yeah. We talked about it the day after the fight. Buck helped me work up the courage to have the conversation. It wasn't easy, but... we finally laid everything out. I told him how lonely I felt back then, and how that feeling has stuck with me, even now. And he told me how much he regrets not being there, but he was trying to give me a better life. I think we both needed to hear that."

Dr. Hargrove smiled gently. "That's a big step, Lydia. How did it feel to finally have that conversation?"

"Relieving," I admitted. "But also kind of scary. I didn't realize how much I was holding onto until I said it out loud. And now that I have, it's like this weight has been lifted. We're not perfect-we still have things to work on-but it feels like we're finally on the same page."

"That's a huge accomplishment," she said. "It sounds like you both made an effort to really listen to each other. That's not easy, especially when emotions are running high."

"Yeah," I said, a small smile tugging at my lips. "I think it helped that Buck was there. He kind of meditated the whole thing and made sure we didn't go off the rails again."

Dr. Hargrove chuckled softly. "It sounds like Buck is a good support system for you."

"He is," I said. "Honestly, I don't know what I'd do without him. He always know how to calm me down, even when I'm feeling completely overwhelmed. And he doesn't let me push people away, no matter how hard I try."

She nodded, her expression thoughtful. "That's important, Lydia. Having people who support you and encourage you to open up can make a big difference, especially when you're dealing with so much."

I swallowed hard, the knot in my chest loosening a little. "It's just... hard sometimes. I hate feeling like a burden to everyone-Dad, Buck, my friends. I know they care about me, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm too much to handle."

"Lydia," she said gently, "you are not a burden. You're going through a lot right now, and it's okay to lean on the people who care about you. That's what they're there for. And from everything you've told me, it sounds like they want to be there for you."

I nodded slowly, her words sinking in. "I guess I just need to remind myself of that."

She smiled. "It's a process, but you're taking the right steps. And remember, it's okay to have bad days. It's okay to feel overwhelmed. What matters is that you're trying, and that's enough."

For the first time in weeks, I felt a flicker of hope. Maybe I wasn't as alone in this as I thought. Maybe, just maybe, things would get better.