desertion

49

The screen flickered to life, and I found myself staring at the muted colors of a virtual waiting room. My heart raced as I waited for my therapist to join the call. This was supposed to be a step forward, a way to address the chaos swirling inside me, but all I felt was the weight of dread pressing down on my shoulders.

When the therapist's face finally appeared, a warm smile reached out to me through the screen. "Hi, Lydia. It's nice to see you," she said cheerfully, but I could only manage a half-hearted nod in response.

"Hi," I murmured, my voice barely above a whisper.

"Would you like to start by sharing how you've been feeling lately?" she prompted, her tone gentle and encouraging.

I opened my mouth to speak, but the words tangled in my throat. The argument with my dad and Carla replayed in my mind like a broken record. I had yelled at them, pushed them away when they were only trying to help. A wave of guilt washed over me, threatening to pull me under.

"I... I've been overwhelmed." I finally admitted, my voice trembling. "I don't like feeling this way. I don't want to be a burden to anyone."

"You're not a burden, Lydia," she reassured me. "It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to feel overwhelmed, especially with everything going on."

I wanted to believe her, but the shame clawed at my insides. My thoughts spiraled, and I felt the walls closing in again. I wanted to scream, to run away from the emotions that felt too big to handle.

The session dragged on, the therapist's voice a distant hum in my ears. I nodded along, but inside I was shutting down, retreating into the silence of my own mind.

When the call finally ended, I felt like I had gained nothing. The heaviness in my chest only deepened, and regret flooded in, reminding me of the pain I had caused my dad and Carla.

I tabbed back into my schoolwork, trying to drown out the noise in my head with health and history assignments. But I couldn't focus. My mind drifted back to my dad's weary eyes, the hurt etched in his expression when I lashed out.

The door creaked open, and my dad stepped inside, his uniform now replaced with a t-shirt and sweatpants. He took a seat on the edge of my bed, his gaze steady and compassionate. "How did the session go?" He asked softly, sensing my turmoil.

"I don't know," I whispered, tears pooling in my eyes. "I just feel worse."

"Lydia, it's okay to feel that way. It's a process." He said gently. "I'm proud of you, you're trying."

I shook my head, the weight of my earlier outburst crashing down on me. "I'm so sorry, Dad. I shouldn't have yelled at you and Carla. You were just trying to help, and I-"

"Hey," he interrupted, his voice soothing. "It's alright. You were upset, and I understand that. We all have moments where we feel overwhelmed. I'm just glad you're trying to get the help you need."

The tears spilled over, and I burried my face in my hands, sobs wracking my body. "I feel like such a mess," I cried, my voice muffled. "I don't want to be like this anymore."

Dad wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close as I let the tears flow. "You're not a mess, Lydia. You're human. It's okay to feel lost sometimes. What matters is that you're trying to find your way back."

As I clung to him, I felt a sudden flicker of hope. Maybe I could find my way out of this hole.

********

Later, I joined a group call with Nate, Isabelle, Julian, and Miles. Seeing their faces on the screen brought a small smile to my lips, a welcome distraction from the turmoil in my mind.

"Hey! We missed you yesterday." Isabelle chimed, her voice bright and cheerful.

I smiled softly. "I wanted to explain why I didn't answer anyone yesterday. Things have been really hard for me lately." I say.

"What's going on?" Miles asks, concern etched on his face.

I took a deep breath, the weight of everything going on spilling out like a dam breaking. "I had an argument with my dad and Carla. I yelled at them, and it made me realize how much I've been pushing people away. I had an online therapy session today, and it was tough. I just feel lost."

Silence hung in the air for a moment, their expressions shifting from concern to understanding.

"It's okay to feel lost." Julian said gently, his usual goofy personality covered by seriousness. "We're here for you, no matter what. You're not alone in this."

"Yeah, we've all been through tough times." Nate added. "Just know that we're here anytime!"

Isabelle interjected, her voice steady and reassuring. "You don't have to go through this alone. We're your friends, and we want to help however we can."

Tears pricked at my eyes again, but this time they were mixed with gratitude. "Thank you, guys. That really means a lot. I'm just trying to figure things out and not feel like such a burden."

"You're not a burden, pretty girl." Miles says. "You're important to all of us, we'll always be here."

I take a deep breath, feeling a weight lift slightly off my chest. "I also have some good news!" I say, trying to lighten the mood. "I've been working on history and health, and I'm finally ahead. I won't have to do work for a bit."

"Seriously? How do you get it done so fast?!" Nate asks, his normal personality bringing light to the room as a grin forms in his lips.

"Literally. I'm only like a day ahead." Isabelle added, a groan coming from her but you can tell she's doing it jokingly.

"Are you guys up for a virtual movie night this weekend?" Miles asks.

"Definitely!" Isabelle chimed in. "We can pick a movie and just hang out. It'll be a good distraction from everything."

I felt a warmth spreading through me, a flicker of hope igniting in the darkness. "I'd love to." I say.

But then, I noticed the confusion on their faces. They had just heard about my struggles, yet I was now talking about school and plans like everything was fine.

"Are you sure you're okay, Lydia?" Miles asked, his brow furrowing with concern. "You just dropped a huge bomb on us and now you're acting like it didn't happen."

I bit my lip, realizing how I might have seemed to them. "I guess I'm just trying to focus on the good things, you know? It's hard, but I'm trying."

"Focusing on the good things is good," Nate says, nodding. "But it's okay to not be okay. You don't have to put on an act all the time."

"Yeah, we want you to be real with us." Miles added. "You don't have to hide how you're feeling."

I signed, feeling the weight of their concern wash over me. "I appreciate that, really. I'm just scared to let it all out sometimes. But I'm working on it."

"Just take your time." Isabelle encouraged. "We'll be here every step of the way."

As we transitioned to lighter topics, discussing school projects and their upcoming assignments, I felt a sense of relief. Laughter replaced the heaviness in the air, and I found myself genuinely smiling as we joked and shared stories.

Even amidst my struggles, I realized that I wasn't alone. I had my friends, Dad, Chris, and Carla, all rooting for me, ready to catch me if I fall. And for the first time in a while, I felt a flicker of hope that maybe, just maybe, I could find myself again and be the happy girl I once was.