desertion

123

LYDIA

I don't know how long I've been in bed. The days bleed into one another like watercolors left out in the rain. There's no distinction between morning and night, no reason to get up or move or even open my eyes.

Everything feels heavy-my limbs, my thoughts, my heart. It's like the air around me has thickened into something I can't breathe. My body is here, but my mind is somewhere else. Floating, maybe. Or sinking.

I don't even bother with the curtains anymore. The room stays dark, the faint light seeping through the edges of the blinds barely enough to illuminate the outlines of the furniture. My phone buzzes somewhere on the nightstand, but I don't reach for it. What's the point?

********

The first knock comes early in the morning.

"Lydia? It's Maddie."

Her voice is soft, coaxing, like she's afraid I'll shatter if she speaks too loudly. The door creaks open, and I hear her steps as she approaches the bed.

"Lyds, your dad called me. He's worried about you. We're all worried about you."

I don't respond. I don't even move.

The mattress dips as she sits down beside me, her hand brushing against mine. "Talk to me," she pleads. "Please."

Her voice cracks on the last word, and for a moment, I feel something-a flicker of guilt, maybe. But it's gone as quickly as it came, swallowed up by the void inside me.

Maddie stays for a while, talking about her day, about Jee-Yun, about how much the 118 misses seeing me. She's trying so hard, but her words barely register.

Eventually, she sighs and stands up. "I'll come back later, okay?"

I don't answer.

********

The next knock is louder, more insistent.

"Lydia, it's me. Open the door." I hear Miles say.

I don't move.

"Lydia."

The door creaks open, and I hear his footsteps approaching. He doesn't sit down like Maddie did; instead, he stands there, staring down at me. I can feel his eyes on me, and it makes my skin crawl.

"Lyds, come on. You can't do this to yourself."

His voice is gentle, but there's an edge of frustration beneath it. I know he's trying to help, but I can't muster the energy to care.

He sits down on the edge of the bed, his hand finding mine. His fingers are warm, and I hate how much I want to pull away.

"You're scaring me," he says quietly. "Please... just say something."

I turn my head slightly, just enough to look at him. The worry in his eyes makes my chest ache, but I can't bring myself to say anything.

Miles stays for hours, talking about anything and everything, trying to coax a reaction out of me. He tells me stupid jokes, stories about work, even sings a little under his breath, but it's like I'm not even there.

Eventually, he gives up. "I'll be back tomorrow," he says, squeezing my hand before he leaves.

I close my eyes, and the silence settles over me again.

********

Athena arrives later in the day. Her knock is firm, authoritative, the kind that demands a response.

"Lydia, it's Athena. Open this door."

I don't move.

The door opens anyway, and her footsteps are quick and purposeful. She stands at the foot of the bed, her arms crossed over her chest.

"Lydia," she says, her voice sharp. "This isn't you."

I stare at the ceiling, my heart pounding. Athena is the kind of person who doesn't take no for an answer, but I can't bring myself to care.

She sighs, sitting down in the chair by the window. "I know what it feels like to want to give up," she says quietly. "But you can't. You've been through too much to let this beat you."

Her words hang in the air, heavy and meaningful, but they don't reach me.

She stays for a while, talking about strength and resilience, but eventually, even she gives up. "You're not alone in this," she says before she leaves. "Remember that."

********

The next visitors come as a pair. Delilah and Isabelle burst into the room like a whirlwind, their voices filling the silence.

"Lydia, what are you doing?" Delilah demands, yanking open the curtains and flooding the room with light.

I flinch, pulling the blanket over my head.

"Oh no, you don't," Isabelle says, tugging the blanket away. "You're not hiding from us."

They hover around the bed, their energy almost overwhelming. They talk about all the things we used to do together, about how much they miss me, about how the group isn't the same without me.

"Come on, Lyds," Delilah says, sitting down beside me. "We can go out, get some coffee, do something fun. You can't stay in bed forever."

I don't respond.

Isabelle sighs, sitting on my other side. "We're not leaving until you get up."

But after an hour of sitting in silence, they do.

********

The last knock comes late at night.

"Lydia, it's Buck."

His voice is soft but firm, and it makes my chest tighten.

The door opens, and he steps inside, his presence filling the room. He sits down on the bed without a word, his hand resting on my shoulder.

"You're scaring me, Lyds," he says quietly. "I don't know how to help you."

His words hit me harder than I expect. Buck has always been the strong one, the one who knows what to do in any situation, even if it's an impulsive one, he always has an idea. Hearing him admit that he doesn't know what to do feels like a punch to the gut.

He talks for hours, telling stories about the 118, about Maddie and Chim, about Jee-Yun. He tries everything to make me laugh, but nothing works.

Eventually, he sighs, his shoulders slumping. "I'm not giving up on you," he says, his voice cracking. "No matter how long it takes, I'm not giving up."

When he leaves, the silence feels heavier than before.

********

I stare at the ceiling, my mind racing. I know they're all trying to help, but it doesn't feel like enough. Nothing feels like enough.

I'm a ghost. A shadow. A hollow version of myself.

And I don't know how to come back.