desertion

16

My phone blows up with messages as Me, Dad, and Chris walk into the funeral home. I don't want to talk to anyone.

I don't want to be here. I shouldn't be here. None of us should. Mom shouldn't be lying in a casket right now. She should be alive.

She should be standing in the kitchen, laughing as she talks to me and Chris while making dinner.

She should be here. Not in a casket.

The fact that she is angers me. She doesn't deserve that. At all. She didn't deserve to be ignored by her daughter. Yes, I didn't do it on purpose, but she asked me so many times to go out with her and I was busy.

I was too busy for my own mother. What the hell is wrong with me?!

I should be in the casket. Not her.

**********

After the funeral, we held a barbecue. Grandparents, Aunts, and Cousins flew in and came to visit and for the funeral. The funeral was awful. I was having a breakdown. I couldn't think straight about anything that was happening.

I ended up having to sit outside for half of it because I could calm myself down enough for the poor pastor to speak.

"Oh, Lydia." Grandma says, pulling me into a hug. I don't hug her back. I just stand there. I don't want to be here. I want to be in my bed.

Not around people who didn't care. People who never cared about Mom. People who never cared about me.

"How are you holding up?" Grandma asks. I don't answer as I walk past her, heading to where Dad is standing by himself. "Do we have to be here?" I ask quietly. "They came down here for us, Lyds." Dad says. "So? We didn't ask them to do that. They don't care about us. They never cared about Mom." I say, crossing my arms.

"It's only for a few hours." Dad says before walking away. I sigh before following him.

********

I sit at a table with Chris, Anna, and our other cousin. "Buddy.. are you not going to eat?" I ask Chris as he sits there, staring at his food. "I'm not hungry." Chris says. "You need to eat." Anna says from across the table. "I said I'm not hungry." Chris snaps.

I look over at Anna with a glare. "Eat something." Anna says. "Anna. He said he wasn't hungry. Leave him alone." I say. Anna rolls her eyes. I look back at the table where Dad is sitting, where all the adults are and I can tell they are arguing.

Dad looks angry and exhausted. I stand up and walk over to the table. "Lydia. You guys should move back to El Paso, shouldn't you? Your Dad is being stubborn." Grandma says. "Don't bring her into this." Dad says, rolling his eyes.

"I don't think we should. We have family here. Pepa, Abuela, Buck, The 118. We have family here. We're not going to leave them for y'all's benefit." I say, crossing my arms. "It's for y'all's benefit actually!" Grandma says. "Being with Dad is better for us, not being with y'all." I say.

"This is adult stuff... so I don't even know why I asked you." Grandma says, rolling her eyes. "Because you thought I'd agree with you." I say with a scoff. "You're just like your mother, you know? Careless, rude, ignorant." Grandma says.

"Mom was not rude! Have you ever stopped and thought you were the problem, because you are!! The reason people are so mean to you is because you're a stuck up bitch who can't admit when she's wrong!" I say. "Woah, woah!" Grandpa says.

"Well maybe if you weren't such a disappointment, I wouldn't be so stuck up.. or actually, maybe your Mom wouldn't have left. You're the reason your family has went through so much." Grandma says. "Mom!" Dad says. I freeze. I've always known I was a problem, but hearing someone say it changes everything.

"We're leaving." Dad says, getting up from his seat and walking towards Chris. "Causing problems like always, Lydia." Aunt Sophia says.

"Let's go, Lydia." Dad says, putting a hand on my shoulder and leading me outside.