desertion

183

LYDIA

I sat at the desk, my fingers hovering over the papers in front of me, but my mind was a million miles away. I hadn't been able to focus all day, not since we'd had the argument earlier about the case. It wasn't even the case that had me so tangled up-it was everything else. Everything that had been building between Mason and me for the past week. He was barely looking at me as he rifled through the case files, not even acknowledging the space between us.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. "Mason," I said, my voice strained but steady. "Why do we keep doing this?"

He didn't look up. "Doing what?" He snapped the folder shut, finally glancing at me, his eyes sharp.

"Fighting," I said, the word feeling heavy as it left my lips. "We apologize, and then it starts all over again. Why can't we just-be normal?"

He shook his head, frustration lining his face. "You're always distant, Lydia. You're either too caught up in your work or in your head. You don't let me in."

"You think I don't try?" I shot back, my tone sharper than I intended. "I'm trying, Mason. But I don't know how to do this, how to be here and still not lose myself. I can't just ignore everything else in my life and pretend it's all fine when it's not!"

Mason's jaw clenched, his eyes narrowing. "So, you just shut me out instead? What am I supposed to do with that, huh? Sit back and watch you tear yourself apart while I'm not even allowed to care?"

I could feel the anger bubbling up inside me, the dam I'd been holding back for days finally cracking. "You think you're the only one struggling, Mason? You think you're the only one who has to carry this weight? I-" I cut myself off, my chest tightening. "I don't get to be the one falling apart. I don't get to have my moments, my breakdowns. I have to keep it together."

His voice was sharp. "Why? Why do you have to do that? Why can't you just let someone help?"

"Because you wouldn't understand!" I stood up, taking a step toward him. The words tumbled out before I could stop them, faster and louder, each one feeling like it had to be said. "You think I'm some perfect little case you can solve, that everything I've been through can just be erased with a few nice words and hugs. But you don't know what it's like-what it's like to feel like you have to survive on your own, to have no one to turn to!"

I was so close to him now, so close that I could feel his breath against my skin. The silence between us was heavy, but it was suffocating. "I don't get to have a moment where I'm not okay. I don't get to fall apart, Mason. Because every time I do, I get reminded that I'm just too much for people."

His eyes softened, just a little, but I was too far gone now. The words kept spilling out.

"My mom left me, Mason. And when she came back, to fix things. She died. And I had to watch it I had to sit there and watch as my dad and my brother lost her again. You don't think that hurts? And then my grandparents, they treated me like I was just an inconvenience. Like I was nothing more than a reminder of their own mistakes. They told me every day how I wasn't good enough, how I didn't belong."

I was shaking now, my hands trembling as I spoke. "And then there was the stalker... I couldn't even go outside without looking over my shoulder, wondering if I was being followed. I couldn't sleep, couldn't focus, couldn't live. And when the tsunami hit... I thought I was going to drown, Mason. I thought I was going to die.

"And then there are the seizures... I don't even know what's wrong with me anymore, Mason. All I know is that I'm getting worse. And all you see is this shell of a person who's trying so hard not to crumble. I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired of it."

Mason didn't say anything at first. His mouth was open, as if he was going to speak, but the words didn't come. Instead, he just stared at me, his expression unreadable.

I laughed bitterly, wiping my eyes. "You think I want to be like this? You think I want to shut everyone out? To be the person who can't trust anyone, who has no right to feel anything? But that's what I am, Mason. And I'm done pretending I'm anything else."

I took a step back, my breath ragged. "I've been through so much, and I've been standing on my own for so long. I'm not asking for you to fix me... I'm just asking for you to understand."

I stopped then, my voice gone, my chest heaving as I stood there. Mason didn't move. He didn't speak. He just looked at me, like he was trying to make sense of everything I'd just told him. I could feel the tears threatening to fall again, but I didn't want to let them. Not yet. I didn't want to be vulnerable anymore. I didn't want him to see how broken I really was.

But before I could take another breath, Mason stood up, his hands reaching for me. He pulled me into him, his arms strong and warm around me. I didn't fight it. I didn't want to.

"I'm sorry," he whispered against my hair. "I didn't know. I didn't-"

"You don't have to apologize," I mumbled into his chest, my voice muffled. "You didn't know."

I felt his chest rise and fall with a shaky breath. We stayed there for a long time, his arms around me as I let all the things I'd been holding inside spill out. The tears came, then, unstoppable and raw. I wasn't sure how long I cried, but it felt like hours. It felt like everything I'd been holding in for years was finally coming out, all at once.

Eventually, Mason led me over to the couch. He sat down, pulling me into his lap, and I buried my head in his chest. I didn't say anything. I didn't need to.

I just wanted to be here, in this moment. Safe, for once. No more walls, no more pretending.

And as I closed my eyes, the exhaustion hit me like a tidal wave, pulling me under. I didn't fight it. I let myself drift off to sleep, knowing that for the first time in a long time, I didn't have to face the world alone.