Pleasantly Raising Cain

The Drunken Sorceress

So I'm moving this one shot from my account as a lone short story and putting it in here. :)

Enjoy my lovelies.

"So why is Val at your place?" Tanith asked as the neared Skulduggery's front door.
"She got so drunk tonight she was on her knees, throwing up all over the floor," he answered.
"Oh wow. Shouldn't we talk to her when she's sober?"
"I need to check on her."
They walked through the door, and Tanith could immediately see why Skulduggery was so concerned. Valkyrie was leaning awkwardly across the table, grinning at them like the Cheshire Cat.
"Skully! Tan Tan!" She cried, jumping up and jogging towards them. She tripped over nothing and automatically her hand found the handle of a broom, sending it crashing to the floor with her. Tanith couldn't help laughing at the sight, only to receive a sharp glare from Skulduggery. Valkyrie got to her feet shakily, and jumped on Tanith, sending them both tumbling back into the darkness, and onto the grass. Tanith scrambled to her feet, and gave Skulduggery a worried look before taking out her phone.
"I'm so showing Ghastly this."
Valkyrie skipped up the stairs untidily, and went to the kitchen.
"How many drinks did you have tonight?" Tanith asked.
"I dunno," Valkyrie slurred. "I had a beer, and a beer, and a beer, and a beer, and a vodka, and some wine, and a beer, and a beer, and a cock." Tanith raised her eyebrows.
"Tail," Valkyrie added as an afterthought.
"God Val you are so drunk."
"I'm not drunk! I'm un-drunk!"
"You mean sober," Skulduggery said.
"No, I mean un-drunk, skeleton!"
Tanith rolled her eyes. Valkyrie stumbled into the kitchen. She spotted a sponge on the table.
"SpongeBob!" She cried.
"What about SpongeBob?" Skulduggery asked.
"SpongeBob. Sponge, super absorbent, lives in Bikini Bottom..." Valkyrie said.
"Yeah..."
"SpongeBob is a tampon!" Valkyrie cried, spinning around. Tanith burst into laughter, and Skulduggery only stay there. If he'd had a face, he'd probably be blushing right now.
"Valkyrie you are so drunk!" Tanith said, still recording. Valkyrie tripped over the table and was sent sprawling to the floor again. She got back to her feet and went to the wall. Much to Tanith and Skulduggery's surprise, she tried climbing it.
"Spider pig! Spider pig! Does whatever a spider pig does!" She chanted. Then she fell with a thud. Tanith held back her laughter. This was too funny! Valkyrie then led them to the bathroom. She waltzed in, Tanith hot on her heels. She passed the mirror, and screeched.
"It's the Japanese!"
Then she punched the mirror, sending shards of glass raining down towards the ground. Tanith stepped out of the bathroom, giggling.
"Oh god," Skulduggery muttered. Valkyrie came back out, singing to herself.
"Hey Skully!" She said.
"Don't call me that," Skulduggery muttered.
"Do you have a bone down there?"
Tanith couldn't help it. She spluttered with laughter. The Dead Men were gonna love this. Valkyrie started running towards Skulduggery, trying to hug him, but he dodged her, and she smacked into the wall behind him. Tanith's belly was hurting from laughing. This was gold!
"Valkyrie, don't you think it's time for bed now?" Skulduggery asked.
"Yeppie Doo, Skully Poo!" She cried.
"Oh no," Skulduggery muttered. He stomped after the skipping girl as she trodden off towards the bedroom that he'd made for her. Tanith followed them in. Instead of going to the bed,
Valkyrie went to the window sill, and plopped down on it, only to fall through the open window.
"Shit!" Skulduggery cursed, using the air to hoist her back up. He looked her dead in the eyes, and she giggled.
"Did the great Skeleton Detective just swear?!" Tanith laughed. Skulduggery glared at her, and used the air to place Valkyrie gently on the bed. She lay like a starfish, her arms and legs spread out.
"You know Skul, there's a skeleton inside me!" She grinned. Tanith giggled.
"Okay," Skulduggery said unsurely. "I don't like where you're going with this Valkyrie."
"Have you seen Finches' hair lately? He looks like a moose!"
"Is she talking about Fletcher?" Tanith asked.
"Yep," Skulduggery sighed. Tanith laughed and Valkyrie puked all over the floor. Tanith looked away, disgusted and Skulduggery sighed.
"I'll get the mop."

The next day, Tanith was sitting with Ghastly, Fletcher, and China in Ghastly's office. She was showing them the video of last night's performance when Valkyrie and Skulduggery walked in. Valkyrie looked awful.
"What are you doing?" She slurred.
"Val come look at this!" Ghastly said. "Tanith play it from the start."
Tanith replayed the video and Skulduggery sighed. Valkyrie looked over Tanith's shoulder. She saw herself looking towards the camera, and she heard Tanith's voice ask,
"How many drinks have you had tonight?"
She heard herself answer,
"I dunno. I had a beer, and a beer, and a beer, and a beer, and a vodka, and some wine, and a beer, and a beer, and a cock."
There was a slight pause and her friends howled with laughter.
"Tail," she heard herself add. Then she saw herself, at the kitchen sink. She looked terrible. She pointed to a sponge.
"SpongeBob. Sponge, super absorbent, lives in Bikini Bottom..." She heard herself say.
"Yeah..." She heard Skulduggery's velvet voice.
"SpongeBob is a tampon!" She heard herself cry. Ghastly, China, Tanith and Fletcher spluttered with laughter. Skulduggery walked out of the room.
"Was I really that drunk?" She asked.
"Yep. Puking drunk. You threw up in Skulduggery's house.
"Oh no."
She saw herself trip over and get up and go to a wall. Valkyrie saw herself trying to climb it, and she was chanting that annoying Spider Pig song from The Simpsons. Then she crashed to the floor and her friends laughter echoed through the room. She saw herself yelling, it's the Japanese! And she punched a mirror. They all roared with laughter. She heard herself say,
"Hey Skully."
Then came Skulduggery's voice. "Don't call me that."
She heard her own voice,
"Do you have a bone down there?" Tanith, China, Ghastly and Fletcher howled with laughter and Valkyrie blushed bright red. Had she really said those things? She wasn't that drunk. Then she had gone off to bed, and fallen out the window, and heard Skulduggery swear. Then Tanith's voice,
"Did the great Skeleton Detective just swear?"
Ghastly, China, Tanith and Fletcher couldn't control themselves. Then she heard herself say,
"You know Skul, there's a skeleton inside me!"
Her friends howled uncontrollably and Valkyrie's face went as red as a tomato. Then she heard herself.
"Have you seen Finches' hair lately? He looks like a moose!"
Then Tanith's voice.
"Is she talking about Fletcher?"
"Yep," she heard Skulduggery answer. Ghastly, China and Tanith roared, and Fletcher just stared at Valkyrie with a hurt look on his face. Then she vomited in the video, and her friends made 'Ewwwww,' noises. She heard Skulduggery say,
"I'll get the mop." Her friends couldn't contain themselves. Valkyrie rubbed her temple, her headache worsening with every second. They weren't going to let her live that one down easily.