Pleasantly Raising Cain

If Saracen Had Gotten Stuck

Okay this is just a funny one for you all. The words in italics are from Last Stand of Dead Men, so I take no credit for that.

When Trebuchet had told them about the secret way into the research facility, it had sounded so much more impressive than it actually was. He told them about the shaft, a tunnel that opened on the surface and took natural light and fresh water and clean air downwards into the earth. He described it as small but wide, almost as wide as the stream it was embedded in. He told them its trajectory was diagonal, and that it recycled air and water, and how it was a revolutionary idea when it was first built. Over the centuries, however, the facility grew and changed, and new ideas, technologies and magic arose to take the place of the shaft and make it redundant. These days, he said, barely anyone even knew it had even existed. They certainly didn't know it could be used as an entry point.

Valkyrie crouched down and peered into the shaft. "It's a hole," she said.

The Dead Men were dumping their backpacks on the bank of the stream. The water lapped at Valkyrie's ankles. She measured the opening. It ran from the tip of her elbow to the third knuckle of her outstretched hand.

She stood. "Are you sure we'll be able to fit?"
Skulduggery was the first to come over.
"I'm sure I'll be fine," he said. He had collapsed the frame under his clothes, reducing his size drastically.

Valkyrie glared. "I'm actually not worried about you. I'm worried about the rest of us. What if the shaft gets narrower in the middle or something?"
"It doesn't."
"But what if it does?"
"It doesn't."
"I'm just saying, it's... it's going to be very tight."
His head swivelled to her. "You won't get stuck."
"But-"
"You just have to close your eyes and take deep breaths. Once we climb through, the angle of the shaft will take us down fairly quickly. We're not going to be in there for longer than fifteen or twenty seconds, and the dimensions remain constant for the entire journey. To be honest, I think we'll be going too fast for you to have time to be nervous about the space. You'll be fine, Valkyrie."

The rest of the Dead Men joined them.
"Aw, hell," said Saracen when he saw what they had to fit through.
Valkyrie gave him a half-smile. "You claustrophobic too?" She asked.
"No," Shudder answered for him, "just fat."
Vex and Ghastly laughed while Saracen glared.
"I am a healthy weight," he said. "I just... I might be a little too healthy to make it to the bottom."
"If he's staying I'm staying," Valkyrie said immediately.
"Neither of you are staying," said Skulduggery. "Saracen, suck in your gut and you won't have a problem. It's Ghastly and Anton who should be worried. They're the biggest of us."
Saracen grinned. "Hear that Anton? Maybe instead of lifting all those weights you should have joined me in eating a few pies."
"I've never lifted weights in my life," Shudder responded. "My muscle mass is a natural part of my being genetically superior to you."
Saracen looked at him, then looked away. "I have no comeback to that."
Ravel was the first to sit in the stream and slide his legs into the shaft. "Oh my God," he said, immediately tensing. "The freezing water has just gone down the back of my trousers. Perhaps we should rethink this."
"Too late for thinking," said Skulduggery. "Everyone get ready."

Valkyrie pulled her trousers up as high as they'd go, then sat in the water with her legs in the shaft. So far so good. When everyone was in position, Skulduggery got to his hands and knees.
"Of course," said Vex. "You just have to go head first don't you?"
"I like to be different," Skulduggery said.
The cold water lapped at Valkyrie's back and slipped down her trousers. She winced.
"Not nice is it?" Said Ravel.
"I really don't want to do this," Saracen whined.
Skulduggery gave a shrug. "I'm not going to force you. I'm not going to order you. Instead, I'm just going to say one little thing, and this applies to all of you."
They looked at him. He tilted his head.
"Race you."
Vex was the first to move, then Ghastly, and then Valkyrie pushed herself through and she was suddenly sliding down the wet slope, picking up speed with every metre. She hit a bump and banged her knee and scraped her chest off the concrete above, almost started turning, but then she felt the air nudge her back in place. She opened her eyes, saw Skulduggery hurtling down beside her, head first, his arms open and his hands splayed, keeping everyone in check.

She hit her knee again and straightened her legs. She grabbed her chest and pressed down and turned her head to the side, making herself as streamlined and flat as possible. She could feel her thundering heartbeat under her hand, and resisted the urge to scream. Skulduggery was right. The sheer speed she was travelling at, combined with the unmatchable exhilaration of how that felt, meant that any notion of claustrophobia had been left back up on the surface.
This was amazing.

Water splashed in her face and she blinked it away. She saw Saracen, sucking in his gut and grinning like a lunatic. On the other side of him was Ghastly. She saw him scrape against the top a few times. It looked painful. Beyond him was Vex, his T-shirt curled up around his midsection.
Valkyrie checked her own T-shirt. Yep, it was up over her midsection too. Her fingers brushed against the hand-shaped scar that was burned into her belly, and then the shaft suddenly brightened and her eyes flickered down just as she was spat out into an open space. She tumbled, then caught herself in the air and landed gently in knee-deep water.
They were in a large chamber with many angled vents and openings. Moss climbed the crackled walls. There was a single door and lots of rusted levers all in a row.

Valkyrie looked around at the others. Then her eyes landed on Saracen, but only half of Saracen. His feet, legs and waist were sticking out of the shaft, and the rest of him was wedged inside. He was stuck. She couldn't control the laughter that bubbled up inside her. Saracen's legs kicked uselessly in the air, and Valkyrie cracked up, holding her stomach and falling to her knees.
Skulduggery shook his head in amusement.
"Nice moooove Saracen!" Vex shouted. Saracen's legs stopped kicking.
"Did you just call me a cow?" He yelled. Vex's shoulders shook and he joined Valkyrie. By now Ghastly, Ravel and Anton were laughing too. Only Skulduggery was silent.
"STOP LAUGHING AND HELP ME OUT NOW!" Saracen shouted angrily. This only made the other Dead Men laugh harder.
"How now brown cow?" Anton teased and Valkyrie wiped the tears out of her eyes and stood up. Skulduggery sighed and his fingers started moving.
Saracen wriggled in the shaft and then popped out and landed next to them. He stood up angrily and the other Dead Men fell silent.
"I hate you all," he snarled.