Madness: DxD

Incident: Lingerie Acquisition

The metallic scent of gun oil and stale coffee always clung to the back of my throat. It was a familiar filter through which I processed the world.

Right now, that air pressure was shifting rapidly in the bedroom down the hall. Two heartbeats: one steady, stupidly confident, and reeking of faint sulfur and cheap snacks. The other fluttering like a trapped sparrow, smelling faintly of lavender and holy water.

Issa and Asia.

I set down my sharpening stone, wiped the excess oil from the edge of my katana, and let out a long, weary sigh that vibrated deep in my chest.

You should've left her in the forest. Or shot her. Shooting works.

I stood up, my joints popping with the muted crunch of someone who had survived several dozen lethal explosions, and walked down the hallway. I didn't bother knocking. The door wasn't locked anyway.

I pushed the door open. Issa was lounging across her beanbag chair like a lazy feline, her hair a tangled mess, looking entirely too pleased with herself. Sitting stiffly on the edge of the bed was Asia, hands folded neatly in her lap, her eyes darting toward the floor as if she expected the carpet to swallow her whole.

I closed the door and crossed my arms.

Y/N: You called. I am here. Make it quick, I have three more magazines to load before midnight.

Ask them if they have any pipe bombs. I miss pipe bombs. The ones with the rusty nails.

Issa gestured lazily with a half-eaten bag of chips toward the blonde girl.

Issa: Don't look at me, old man. Asia's the one who requested the emergency council meeting. Go on, Asia, tell the big bad man what you told me.

Asia flinched, her shoulders jumping up to her ears. She slowly raised her head, her green eyes wide with a combination of sheer terror and misplaced determination.

Asia: U-Um... Master Y/N... sir... I... I have made a decision about my life's trajectory.

Y/N: A trajectory. Wonderful. Does this trajectory involve finishing your homework, or are we discussing another stray devil you tried to adopt last Tuesday?

Asia: N-No! It's... it's about my moral alignment! I've decided... I want to become a villain!

Oh, delightful! Are we going to purge a municipality? Can I watch? I'll bring the chain-scythe!

I didn't blink. I couldn't remember the last time I blinked, but I did allow my left eye to twitch slightly. I looked at Asia, who was trembling so violently she looked like a paint shaker, then slowly turned my head toward Issa.

Y/N: I'm going to give you exactly three seconds to explain why you've corrupted the one person in this house who still possesses a functional soul.

Issa: Hey! Why do you automatically assume it was me?!

Y/N: Because she smells like holy water and innocence, and you smell like poor decisions and bad influence. Why a villain, Asia? Give me the tactical rationale.

Asia blushed furiously, her face turning the exact shade of Rias's hair. She buried her face in her hands, her voice muffled through her fingers.

Asia: Because... because female villains are... they're... sexy! They have high boots and everyone wants to worship them!

She's not wrong.

The headache began right behind my left eyebrow, a dull, rhythmic throb that synchronized perfectly with the ticking of the clock on the wall.