Freaks: Year Two

I Love You

Referenced trauma regarding the foster system.

Jasper and Toby were back to sitting in their self-assigned seats in the Ravenclaw secret room. The Goldsparks brothers were now gone, meaning the Odairs were back to being alone, staring at each other, wondering what to say. How could they start the conversation they needed to have after so much arguing...?

Toby was about to speak, but Jasper got words out first.

"I am sorry for shoving you in the cupboard."

"It's...it's okay–"

"No, it's not okay," Jasper said. "It was awful of me to do that no matter what the circumstances were. It was just mean to do that to you. It - It wasn't okay, I am really sorry. No matter how angry I am, I never should have done that, but I did, and I am so sorry."

"I forgive you."

"No, I am really sorry, I don't know what I was thinking," continued Jasper. "I wasn't thinking, that's the whole point, I haven't been thinking this year...I have just been blinded by my own rage and I took it too far–"

"If it was any of us here that took it too far it was me," Toby said, cutting him off. "I called our little brother a monster. I shouldn't have. It was wrong of me. Very wrong. I don't know what I was thinking, like you said...I haven't been thinking too much this year either, I have been too...upset..."

Toby thought about how Christopher had said he needed to explain why he had called Edgar a monster and he did agree because he knew Jasper deserved the explanation.

"Right before you came home, right when Edgar's magic went berserk...well it went really crazy. He knocked out our dad, not that I really care about that, but he also broke all the windows and...and it was like he froze us. Like I couldn't move, none of us could, and it wasn't just because of fear...it was like he was unknowingly using his magic to make us not interfere...it will like he wanted to ensure that he was the one who got hurt, not any of us...and that was scary. I-I couldn't do anything. I actually couldn't do anything. And in the end of it all, when he was..." Toby didn't even want to say it, it was too terrifying to think about, to picture, to relive. "He–after he...he was shaking and there was this black smoke...and this may sound stupid and bad, but...doesn't that mean evil magic? Maybe I thought Ed was right, that his magic was bad. He has said it time and time again. That his magic is bad. I don't know why I never brought it up to you...I was stupid and mad and...and I didn't know how to until...I snapped it out. I don't mean he is bad or a monster Jaz, I promise, but...I just thought that if his magic really was like that and making him feel horrible about himself, it had to be bad because it was making our little brother hate himself...like there was this...awful terrible voice or feeling that just never went away, telling him how awful and what a monster he was, about how bad he was, about how his magic was bad...I know what I said was still wrong...but...if it makes him feel so down on himself...it really is something awful right?"

Jasper felt sick to his stomach as he listened to his brother's words, not because he was angry, but because he finally understood. If this magic was making Edgar hate himself, which it was, how could anyone consider it good?

His little brother hating himself for something he couldn't control made Jasper feel sick.

"This...that smoke...I didn't know about," Jasper admitted quietly, and his mind went back to the conversation he had with Christopher about something called an obscurial. "And...I get where you're coming from now...if it makes Edgar feel awful, why would the magic be good? It really is just a bad thing, if it is making you think bad about yourself...but that is a reason I stayed...so I could help Ed understand that is a good thing, to help him gain control and - and I think he has better control now...he feels better. He told me. There is nothing bad in there anymore."

Toby had tears in his eyes. "But...but maybe...you could have told me that ages ago, but...noooo, I had to get all angry and...you're right..."

"What?"

"I am jealous," Toby admitted. "I really am so jealous of you two. I really, I really want magic, but...it's too late, hell I don't even want magic, per se–it'd be nice of course–I just want to be away from...from there."

"I'm really sorry."

"I know you are."

"Toby, I–"

"But I also know it isn't your fault. It isn't your or Ed's fault you have magic, that one day you two will be...here together, away from us...away from there. I know it isn't an excuse for me to scream at you or make Ed feel bad for anything. It - It doesn't give me an excuse to act jealous...or be mean. It doesn't and I am really, really sorry how I have been treating you for the past...while, really. I promise I won't ever do that with Edgar. I promise I won't do it to you anymore, I am really sorry and I get why you told Christopher now, I-I do, but I was so afraid...afraid that we would get se-sepa-pa-parated, a-again and I-I-I am really sorry."

"It's okay..." Jasper whispered.

"But it's not!" Toby exclaimed, squeezing his eyes shut to stop from the tears spilling out. "You put up with enough rubbish, Ed does too, I don't need to make it all worse, do I?"

"And you won't. I trust you...I love you, okay?"

"I love you too, and I really am–"

Jasper got up from where he was seated and took a couple of steps and brought his brother into a hug. As soon as his little brother felt Jasper's arm go around him, he promptly burst into tears, wrapping his arms around his shoulders. "It's okay..." whispered Jasper, rubbing his back. "I love you and...and we have to promise to well...get better at talking, huh?"

Toby nodded into his chest.

Jasper let out a shaky breath. "I am still sorry for the cupboard."

"I was being a prick–"

"That doesn't excuse it, and I was being a prick too." There was a pause. "And I am sorry for saying these mean things too...that you were dead to me, I was just so angry, but you aren't. I love you so much, okay?"

"Can - Can we just forget about it, please?"

"I don't think forgetting is the solution," Jasper said quietly. "We need to remember so we don't make the same mistakes again. We can grow and move on from it, but not forget, okay? I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too," sobbed Toby. "Sa-Saying I-I-I do-don't need y-you or - or that you...you...I'm sorry..."

Jasper had a feeling that Toby wanted to say more, but all his words from that point came unintelligible sobs and Jasper continued to hug him, trying to calm him down, but maybe it was a good thing he was getting all of this out because he had a feeling it was a long time coming. Just a build up of emotions just getting bigger and bigger before breaking like a dam.

Jasper kissed the top of his head. "It's okay...it's all okay, I promise. I love you."