Lightning Bolt

CHAPTER FORTY FOUR

ALL THE DARKNESS IN THIS WORLD,

DESEND UPON ME,

FOR YOU WILL NEVER EXTINGISH,

MY LIGHT FOR HIM

I was in my own personnel hell. The velvet curtains were drawing in on me, my movements turning robotic. I wouldn't allow myself to think of Matt and our situation fully until the door closed behind me at night and I had finally shut the world out. Then I happily let it take me over. It swept through my body consuming every inch, the weight collapsing me to my knees.

I would lay in the fatal position letting my pain rain down on me resigning myself to it.

I was drowning without him, dying a tortured death. The heavy dark depression was suffocating. The other half of me was missing, leaving me exposed, bleeding and empty.

I would sit listening to songs remembering the happy times we shared, the memories we had made. Like Dreamers do and Lost played on repeat while I hugged Matt's pillow close to me, wearing his t-shirt, breathing in his familiar scent, letting the tears soak through.

This was all I had now, just the lyrics left of a song which used to be ours.

If I closed my eyes I could picture him here with me. His phantom arms wrapping themselves around my body, his whispery voice singing in my ear.

**********

I had a month until Matt was back and I knew I had to start thinking about what I was going to do but I could only focus my thoughts onto him.

How was I ever going to keep him in my life?

One of my main priorities was to start building bridges, Kate being the first on my long list. Not because she was Matt's Sister but because she was my best friend and I knew I had hurt her too.

Since moving to Brighton she had always been there, even keeping secrets from her brother for me. I was missing her terribly. I felt so alone. She had a right to an explanation. I at least owed her an apology in person, a simple text message wasn't enough. She deserved more. A lot more than a back stabbing friend like me.

But before I went down that road it was imperative I sorted out my money situation and the only way was for me to contact work.

I felt physically sick thinking about it; the office where I shared my day with him. How we used to laugh and joke around, the little innuendos I brushed off so easily never once believing he had a different agenda on his mind.

I shook my head at the memories.

I knew I would have to somehow be in direct contact with him, he was my manager. But the very thought repulsed me. Even his name made me shudder.

Benson.

I hadn't been back to work since my nightmare began. This was little over two weeks now.

Benson text me five days ago asking me when I was returning.