Lightning Bolt

CHAPTER FIFTY

IF YOU STILL WANT ME,

PLEASE FORGIVE ME.

THE CROWN OF LOVE,

IS FALLEN FROM ME

I fell into my new house exhausted with the day's events and for once not caring of the deadly silence that seemed to swallow me.

Matt was home and he hadn't slept with Sadie!

Yet another image of them together formed in my mind as I tried desperately to shake it away, to try and think of anything but that.                                                                                                                                                                            

It wasn't true nothing had happened! She's on holiday with Steve.                                                                                                                                                                                              

When I had stepped out of the medical centre after my session with my therapist I had felt on the edge, vulnerable and drained. I sat in my car for an age not wanting to head back to my lonely house.

The session hadn't gone as I expected. I thought we would talk about Matt, Sophie about the way I was feeling. Yet instead she dug into my past, starting with my childhood.

I tried to explain how I had a good upbringing, my parents always being there for me but it was my issues from birth she wanted to know about.

What did I do when I had a problem when I was a child? Who did I turn to? Was I sensitive? Did I have many friends?

Question upon question was thrown at me.

Why didn't I talk to my parents when I felt sad? Why didn't I tell my friends I was angry with them?

And truthfully I didn't know! This was me! This is who I am! I simply couldn't say the words I needed to.  

A silent tear now ran down my face as my mind brought pictures of Matt forward.

After all my revelations today I realised Matt had taken every one of my flaws and had cherished them, had cherished me.

How I still loved him.

Seeing him at Kate's today, coming out from Sadie's room had me bolting for the door.

I ran away somehow managing to reach the end of the road where I bent myself in half, throwing up the little contents I still had in my shrinking stomach. I heard a little old lady tut shamefully at me for being ill in public and from the corner of my eye I watched her pulling at her husband's arm who was willing to help.                                                                                                                    

I was shaking uncontrollably and hyperventilating when Kate reached me.                                          

I couldn't believe Matt had finally quit his job but like Kate had said it was about time. I remembered when he had first started. When he would come home and whisk me off my feet, landing strong urgent kisses on my lips then taking me straight to bed.

I wondered what he will do now? Will he be able to find something else?

I started worrying about him.