One Big Mistake

Ch-18 Contemplation

"I picked a few things up for you." My mama handed me a bag from a maternity boutique on Main Street. "There is a cute shirt in there you can wear when we take the kids trick or treating and there is also a baby boy name book." She set the rest of the groceries on the kitchen floor and immediately started putting them away.

I untied the bag and pulled out a cute shirt that had two little skeletons on the stomach part. "This is super cute!" I held it against my front and it draped across my stomach. I folded it neatly and set it on the counter. "Thanks mama." I pulled the huge baby book out and my eyes grew huge. "I sure am going to be occupied these next few months." I joked.

"Yes you are, especially with preparing for the babies. I was thinking and I realized that you are now five and a half months and chances are you won't even carry to term so you only have about three months to do everything." She told me all the things that I already knew but was just avoiding. I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair stressfully.

I know I shouldn't be waiting until last minute but I haven't told my mama or anyone exactly how much I have been considering adoption. I actually contacted a social worker and she gave me details so now it's a matter of going through with the process. People would think that the stronger my bond becomes with my boys that I would slowly slip away from the idea of adoption but actually it's done the opposite. I love my boys unconditionally and I want the best for them. If that means I have to give them to a family that can provide them with everything they will ever need and more then so be it. I now truly understand the meaning of if you love them let them go.

It's a difficult decision to make because they have completely separate effects, there is no in between for indecisive people such as me. It's either I spend the rest of my life loving and caring for these babies or I give them up completely and risk ever seeing them again.

"Earth to Jessa," my mama waved her hand in front of my face causing me to jump when I noticed it. "You okay? You look a little emotional." She questioned with a concerned look on her face. I immediately perked up trying to hide these darn pregnancy hormones.

"I was just thinking." I smiled a distant smile and then continued to tell myself that I eventually have to talk about it with my parents.

"May I ask what about?" She closed the cupboard after putting a box of Cheerios away. I looked up opposed to at my stomach and bit my lip nervously. "Oh no lay it on me." She joked obviously sensing that it was rather serious.

"I was thinking of ways to tell you that I'm seriously considering adoption." I struggled to fight back tears. I've been extra emotional today.

I swear that for a moments time I could see a hint of hurt in her eyes but she quickly blinked it away and replaced it with happiness and support. "Oh," is all she said. We sat in silence for a minute before she looked at me and smiled. "Ultimately it's your decision. We are here for you no matter what you choose." She placed a hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze.

"Mama I need your support on a lot of things but right now I need you to be honest more than anything." I begged her for her true opinion. "Oi!" I scrunched my nose up in slight pain as I felt a harsh jab on the inside of my rib cage. Maybe the babies don't like the idea of adoption. I thought to myself which gave me a reason to grin.

"If you want my opinion, I want to see my grandsons grow up and I want to be there for their first birthday. I want to see their toothless grins when they are five years old and-" She sighed and looked up at the ceiling like she was also holding back a few tears. "I don't know Jessalynn. It is you who is going to be affected most of all by this choice. Your opinion is the one that counts." She grabbed a tissue and dabbed under her eyes.