One Big Mistake

Ch-53 Single Mama

There will be so many times you feel like you've failed. But in the eyes, heart, and mind of your child you are super mom.
                     ~Stephanie Precourt

"Good morning buggies," I awoke to my little boys smacking me and poking my belly. "Give mommy kiss," I told them. Siah leaned down and slobbered on my eye but it was such a sweet gesture because that's how he gives kisses. Jaxon also gave me a kiss which was much cleaner because he puckers his lips.

"What do you want to do today?" I asked them and grabbed Josiah's leg when he tried to crawl off the bed. "You want num nums?" I asked them and they got excited. "My hungry boys."

I placed them in their highchairs and made them both pancakes and banana slices. I was in a surprisingly okay mood, a little tired from the night before, but overall okay.

I didn't want to be upset for the rest of my life so I chose to focus on the boys. They make everything better even on my worst days. Out of all this mess I got to experience one of life's greatest joys, becoming a mother. I'm learning how to appreciate motherhood more and more everyday. If you look at it the right way it is truly a gift and it can be so joyous.

"I love you munchkins," I kissed their cheeks and earned a giggle from both of my sons. I wasn't scheduled to work today so I spent my time giving all of my attention to the boys. We even visited the park. They loved the swings but Josiah seemed to get a little nauseous after a few minutes.

That night they slept in my bed just because I felt lonely and I'm a big supporter of co-sleeping. "Where's baby sister?" I asked my sons and they perked up. They get excited when I ask because I ask so often so they know that I'm going to point to my belly excitedly and say 'there she is' and they just think that is the funniest thing.

"Where is she Jax? Is she in there?" I rubbed my bump and felt her wiggling around.

I'm 32 weeks so she's going to begin to run out of room soon. Even though this is only a singleton pregnancy it has been much harder on me than when I was pregnant with the twins. When I was pregnant for the first time I didn't really have any responsibilities so I could sleep whenever I wanted and even though towards the end it was so hard on my body I could get the rest I needed. This time I have horrible insomnia, two boys to chase around, and a job, not to mention the severe and all day morning sickness.

At this stage in my first pregnancy I was only 3 weeks away from meeting my babies but since there is only one bun in the oven I'll probably carry closer to 40 weeks which seems so far away.

I kind of hope I carry all of the way because I'm not quite prepared for her and right now is just not a good time for her to make her debut. Of course I also want to carry to full term so she is healthy and can breathe on her own. But I also want her out of me. At this rate I never want to be pregnant again. If this labor is anything like the last she can stay in as long as she wants.

I'm now more keen to the idea of having a third child. Maybe it wasn't in my plan but it was in God's. She will be loved just like her brothers.

I don't know what is Cole's plan on raising his children but I do know I need to stop focusing on his parenting and focus on mine. I can't always worry about him. I have enough love for my children to supplement for Cole. Not that I think Cole doesn't love the babies. He just doesn't know how to show that.

The next day I had a full day of work starting at 8 in the morning. I drove to Carly's early in the morning so she could babysit the boys. My mom watches them all of the time for me and Carly always begs to let them stay at her house so when I asked her to babysit she didn't have a problem. The boys love her too. She fixed Cole's old bedroom up for her grand babies.