One Big Mistake

Ch- 32 A Different Light

I felt horrible, absolutely and completely horrible for the way I acted at dinner and the week ever since. I don't feel bad for speaking the truth because there was not one thing that came out of my mouth that night that wasn't the truth but I should've done it differently. I embarrassed my family and made myself look like a bitch.

I am rather embarrassed myself but some things just needed to be said. You can only fake it so long until you stop to realize that everything you've tried to do to not let others see your struggle was only a temporary mask that allowed the hardships to stockpile until one day you just implode from the weight of everything sitting upon your shoulders at once. I guess that's what happened to me.

I was in a foul disposition but it allowed me to realize just how good everyone was at faking it, just like I'd been. When people asked me how I was doing I told them I was fine. When people questioned if I was ready to be a mother I told them of course I was. Most importantly, I told Cole I didn't care when I most certainly did.

I cared and I still do and not only where it concerns the boys. I care about him as a person. I don't want him to punch walls. I don't want him to hurt. I don't want him to be with all of these girls but I don't necessarily want him with me. I don't want him to stop caring about the boys. I don't want him to stop caring about me. I don't want him to look back on his life someday and regret this.

It's hard to fake it to others but it's so much more draining to lie to myself. I stay up at night trying to convince myself other than the truth but if I could just be honest with myself maybe things could be easier. But sometimes the truth is difficult all in its self.

Life is just one big, confusing rollercoaster with twists and turns. Sometimes I feel like my rollercoaster needs repaired but the mechanic quit. I'm stuck at a standstill.

After my thoughts ran wild I picked up the phone to call Cole. I need to apologize for a lot I think. Starting with the other night but also with pushing him away when he wants to help. He's already apologized to me not only with words but with actions and I haven't made an effort to do either. I would do it in person but I cannot drive myself to his house, plus it is 9:15 at night so arriving at his doorstep at this hour unexpected would be rude.

"Hello," Cole answered sounding preoccupied.

"Is this a bad time?" I asked hoping I wasn't intruding on anything important, not with how bad I already felt.

"Um well," he laughed. "No it's fine. What's up?" He questioned and I wondered how to start my apology.

"I really just felt like I should apologize to you," I started and ran my hand along the curve of my belly as I took a deep breath riding out a more painful contraction than usual. I used a breathing technique that my doctor discussed with me to get me through the painful minute. I also changed positions because that is the key to getting rid of Braxton hicks.

"You don't have to," he assured me.

"I know, but I want to. You've really been trying to do your best with dealing with me and being supportive. Thank you," I said with endearment and truth behind my words.

"Yeah really it's fine," he said quickly.

"I am sorry for pushing you away when you tried the most," I felt another contraction begin and inhaled a deep breath. I let out an unintentional groan of pain, "Ugh!"

"Are you okay?" He asked, concerned. I heard a female voice in the background but chose to ignore it.

The contraction came to a conclusion and I took a few breaths. "Yeah I'm just having a few contractions," I explained. It is weird though, changing positions almost usually gets rid of them and they are not typically this painful.