One Big Mistake

Ch- 35 One Week

"Morning Jax," I said to my crying little boy and picked him up out of his bassinet. By morning I mean it's 5:00am and the sun is just on the horizon. He is throwing one heck of a fit just like him and his brother took turns doing last night. I am so exhausted, I think I'm going to die and I've only been a mom for one week.

My face shows my level of tiredness and so does my mood. It's not that I'm in a bad mood I'm just really lazy with everything I do, and slow.

Cole won't come around and hasn't since leaving the hospital. I cried... again. But not in front of anyone. Why does he do this stuff to me? I've been calling him all week and he refuses to answer to me.

I really thought he was coming to his senses but boy was I wrong. It hurts me more this time though because I stare at the twins and hurt for them as well. Maybe they don't know the difference now but they will someday. I just hope they never blame having a deadbeat father on themselves. If anything I blame it on myself and Cole.

I filled out the birth certificate before I left the hospital so obviously he missed his chance for discussion, not that I would've changed my mind. Cole is just not a for sure thing, no matter how much I'd like him to be and he's proven how irresponsible he is by leaving the way he did.

I feel so betrayed this time by him because there was no big blowout fight, any bad exchanges of words, or any reason for him to leave and not want to see his sons for the first week of their lives. He just walked out and decided not to come back. How dare he do that.

I have forgave him time and time again but this is getting ridiculous. I hope he doesn't think I've forgot about his and Emily's letters. They still hurt. Maybe he left because he still didn't think the twins were his. Who knows? I sure don't. He is the hardest person I've ever tried to understand.

I started feeding Jax as Josiah began to squirm. I stayed quiet hoping Josiah wouldn't wake completely. He started wailing and I let out a deep breath I was holding. I've already received several complaints from my siblings telling me to "shut my kids up." Of course in a joking way but I know they don't enjoy being woken up several times a night. I am just about to drop dead from exhaustion because when they cry I actually have to tend to them opposed to covering my head with a pillow like they can.

"Don't cry," I hushed them soothingly and situated them both to feed. Josiah was throwing a huge fit. His face turned into the shade of a tomato and little tears crept out of his eyes. "My poor baby," I held him close to me. Finally he calmed down.

My door slowly opened and my mama peeked her head in while rubbing her eyes. "Do you need help with anything?" She asked groggily. As soon as I shook my head no she went back to bed.

I changed Josiah's soiled diaper as well before putting them back to bed so I could do the same. As soon as my head hit the pillow I was snoring.

Josiah woke me up an hour later. He wasn't hungry and his diaper is clean. I set him back in the bassinet and he started screaming again. "Hey mister cranky pants," I smiled at him and picked him up. He immediately stopped crying. He just wants to be held. I held him against my chest and grabbed the baby monitor incase Jaxon woke up.

I made my way down the stairs with ease. I have to say I like using the stairs just because I can now. Before I couldn't because my ankles were the size of balloons.

Everybody in my house will not be up for another hour or so. I balanced Josiah in my arm and poured a bowl of Raisin Bran. I rubbed my eyes and yawned in exhaustion. I poured the milk while listening to my baby mumble and make noises.