Terrible Things (Harry Styles Love Story)

Chapter Twelve

October...

That's it... I was officially numb. I couldn't feel anything. I woke up today, and I wasn't excited. I wasn't sad. I wasn't happy. I wasn't anxious. I wasn't nervous. I wasn't anything... I was basically dead. But then again, that's what I've always wanted to be, right? Dead. I picked up my phone and looked at the time. 1:54 PM. The dance was in five and a half hours. Should I start getting ready now? Ugh. I mean, it doesn't take me that long to get ready... Nevermind. I'll just get up now. 

I got up and stalked to the bathroom. Opening the curtain, I turnned on the hot water and a small amount of the cold. Once getting to my temperature, I got in and let the hot water hit my back. I sighed in relief as I felt the stress wash away. Then, as I began to shampoo my hair, I got lost in my own thoughts...

I should've known that Harry being in my life was too good to be true. I've spent my whole life... with people telling me that I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't active enough, I wasn't skinny enough, I wasn't smart enough... And here I am thinking that Harry would even like me... I've never really let any of this affect me before. I've had people pretend me in the past. But even after I'd found out, I never dwelled on it. I never called myself out on it because I always expected it. I'd always expected to get hurt... but with Harry... I actually thought he was different. But no. No one's ever different... except for Louis maybe. 

Louis's really nice. He's been my crush since the fifth grade. We used to be really good friends, but I pushed him away when I started to get a crush on him. I think I really weirded him out. That's what I do. I weird people out, and I push them away. I don't let anyone come close to me because I know that I don't deserve them. Because who am I? Who am I to come into someone's life and ruin it? I've ruined Chasity's. I've ruined my mom's. I've ruined Louis's. I've ruined Harry's. I've ruined mine... I've ruined everyone's life my just being on this land and all I want to do is for it all to get better. 

But what is better? Feeling good for a couple of hours before being brutally knocked down emotionally? Mentally? Is 'better' really even a good thing? Does it even exist? Because if it does, I need to find it. Ugh. What am I even talking about? God, I'm so stupid. I'm so freaking stupid... I don't know how anyone puts up with me... And if I leave... it would all be okay. It would all be better. 

Damn. I bet if I said this out loud, people would think that I was crazy. But I'm not. I'm not crazy. I know that I'm not. If I did, I would need help... but I don't. Because there's nothing wrong with me... other than the fact that I'm delusional and stupid and ugly and worthless. And everything else in my life just screams out non-deserving to live. And everything else in my life is right. I don't deserve to live.

After getting out of the shower, I wrapped a towel around my hair and then put my robe on. After getting out of my bathroom and putting on a bra and underwear, I heard my mom call me. Opening my bedroom door, I replied. "Yeah?"

"Come down and eat first," she said.

But I rolled my eyes. My stomach was grumbling, but I wasn't hungry. I couldn't be. I wouldn't let myself. But if I didn't go down, she would bring the food up here. So, I did. I went down and found a bowl of something mixed inside of it. "What is it?" I asked.

"Eggs... mixed with bacon and ham and cheese. Also with a little bit of tomato."

My stomach grumbled hearing it, and my mouth watered looking at it. "Okay, thanks," I mumbled as I sat down. I took small bite and felt disgusted with myself. But it just tasted so good. So, my bites got bigger and more needy. And after a half hour of me trying to eat it, I'd finished half of it. And then it took another half just to eat the rest. 

"Did you want more?" my mom asked as I set my bowl in the sink.

But I shook my head. "No, I'm just going to finished getting ready," I said and then went back to my room.

Going into my bathroom was the whole thrill for me. I felt like crap after eating that... I mean, it was so good, but I was so fat. I opened my robe and looked at myself in the mirror. Almost fully naked, I stared at my stomach. I don't understand... I'm so... fat. I closed my robe, disgusted with myself. Then I took a seat on the soft rug on the floor and opened the toilet seat so that everything was up. I sat there and thought to myself about how ugly and fat I was. I already didn't usually eat lunch. I already only eat two bites of my breakfast. I barely eat dinner... I'm already throwing up all my food... what else is there? I'm still so fat. So, taking my two fingers, I put them into my mouth, and stuck them down my throat. My gag relfexes have become better since I started this a year ago. My throat has become almost immune to the occasional acid. So, I would imagine that it would take me a while to have this good come back out of me.  And soon, after multiple attempts, I did throw up, and I did feel better. 

After washing my hands, I'd brushed my teeth. And then I felt my stomach grumble again. I was hungry. Remembering something that I'd read once, I dug in my bag for gum and began to chew it. And soon, my hunger subsided. I'm almost positive that I read somewhere that chewing gum can trick your brain to think that you're eating. So, that's good for me.

I checked the time. 4:00. Okay, I had a couple hours left, but I had to hurry. So I moved to my walk-in closet and looked through my dresses. Then picking out my strapless pink dress that Louis and I had picked out yesterday, I slipped it on. The bust part of the dress had sparkles, and the bottom flared out. It stopped at my knees, and I liked it. The only thing I didn't really like was the fact that nothing covered my wrists.

Then, I took a seat in front of my mirror as I began to do my hair and make up. My pink make up and black eyeliner looked pretty good. And my hair was neatly curled and teased. Once I was done, I checked the time. 6:30. All I had to do now was wait. Louis said that he would pick me up at 7:30. So I had an hour. I picked out my bracelets that I would use. Of course they weren't my normal silicone braccelets. Instead, they were gold bracelets piled onto my arm. I shook the bracelets multiple times to see how it would look, and if my... uh, scars would show. And they did. Though only a little, I didn't want to risk it. So, I took some of my make up and blended it in. Soon, my scars were unable to be seen, and I was satisfied.

By then it was seven and my heart began racing. Would Harry come here? I mean, I told him that I was going with Louis... But he's really unpredictable. So, I don't know what I should do. What if he does come here? What if he does want to pick me and bring me to the dance? Would I say no? Would I say yes? Ugh. This is so frustrating. And soon, the doorbell sounded throughout the house. Oh. My. God. It's 7:06... Louis  said he would be here at 7:30. Harry said that he would be here at 7:00.  Is that Harry?

"Diana! Your date is here!" I heard my mom yelled.

"Coming!" I said. I quickly looked in the mirror and sucked in my stomach slightly. I fixed the tiny flaws in my hair and then grabbed my clutch that contained my phone, money, and keys. Then, slipping on my four inch heels (considering I never really wore heels), I slowly walked down the stairs. And my heart dropped a little when I saw him. "Louis," I managed to say.

Louis's mouth was slightly parted as he watched my walk down a few more steps. "Diana. You look amazing," he said.

I held my left arm with my right hand in somewhat nervousness. "Thank you," I said even though I knew that he was lying. I mean, he had to be. "You look nice too," I said to him, complimenting him on his tux which was very spiffy.

"I know I'm early. Are you ready to go?" he asked.

But I shook my head. "It's find. And yeah, we can leave," I said, taking a few more steps towards him.

"Wait! I want to take a picture!" my mom said.

I rolled my eyes and groaned. "Mom, it's homecoming, not prom!" I exclaimed.

She laughed. "Who cares? It's a dance, and I only see you in a dress like, two times in a year!" she retorted, and Louis laughed.

"I don't know. I like Diana with the way she normally dresses," he said.

My eyes went to his and I smiled. "Thank you," I mouthed to him.

"You're welcome," he mouthed back before kissing me softly on the lips.

You see, he's a good guy. He's a guy that's not like everyone else. And by Harry judging him... it just made me kind of upset.

My mom took ten pictures before letting us leave, and when we did, I let out a sigh that I didn't know I was holding in. This was going to be a long night.