Officially Cumberbatched? A sequel to 'Well and truly Cumberbatched'

Chapter 64

"I'm the problem? Again?! So you decide to act like a child and push me away rather than just talk to me?" his anger was palpable, beyond being upset.

"Because I don't know what to do, I just said that! We've been trying and it's not getting any better. How can I want to be with you, to be even more open when I can't even deal with being with myself?!" I stepped back to steady myself, bile rising in my throat. Ben's forehead wrinkled in confusion.

"Why didn't you just say something?! Why let it boil up inside and then feel like this?! For fucksake! You've had help, you've got so much support! You have me! Why can't you get that?!" he shouted coming towards me, 'don't cry' I told myself over and over again.

"When? When was I supposed to say something?"

"That wasn't the question. I said why, not when."

"Because you won't stop feeling guilty. I told you it's not your fault, you don't believe me, I can see you blaming yourself, I know you care but I feel smothered, this, us, it doesn't feel natural anymore. I can see it in your eyes, you've never stopped blaming yourself! No one has blamed you! I'm not blaming you! I never have and never would! Dammit Benedict stop fucking blaming yourself!"

He was in front of me, looking down at me. "So you're just going to shut yourself away from everyone who loves you and destroy yourself, one isolated, cold, and medicated day at a time. Is that what you want?" his voice was deeper, wounded.

"I don't know. I can't be the girlfriend you want right now and I know how much happier someone else could make you right now, someone less miserable and conflicted. I feel guilty every day; I don't know anymore." I wiped my eyes, I could see the pain in his. He was tired, looked helpless and it was hurting him.

I was hurting him.

"What's wrong with you? Why, why on earth are you even thinking about other people?! I'm not suddenly going to think I need someone else because you're having a hard time. I do not fucking care about other women, I care about you! And only you! For fucksake Rosie! You know what you mean to me, I wasn't fucking around when I opened up to you, why would I have said anything if it didn't mean anything, if I didn't want us to last? You think I'm just going to walk away because you're having a hard time?! Look at how long we've been together and how much has happened in that time, I'm not fucking walking away from you for someone else! I never would! I'm never ever going to! That's never ever going to happen! Why can't you just get that in your fucking head!" his mouth quivered as he said it, the pit of my stomach becoming more hollow with each word.

"I never said you were going to walk away, and that's precisely the problem, I don't know what's wrong with me."

"I didn't make a promise to you to only care when you're content and ready to participate in the real world! I want to be here for you all the time and if that means being overly concerned after everything that's happened then I will be! You don't get it, you weren't in my position, you never had a chance to understand that and I respected that, all I wanted from you was to just let me be there as best as I could've been. That's all I felt able to do, and for a while you let me, you let me hold you, you wanted me there in the middle of the night, you let me be the one person you wanted to see, and now you're throwing it back in my face? I'm winging it as much as you are, do you not think I'm struggling to watch you go out every day? Do you not think I beat myself up after yet another argument, knowing I shouldn't have called you over and over again? Do you not think that's driving me crazy? Do you not think I don't want to be who I am right now? No, of course not. Because I'm only ever possessive or overbearing. I'm confused and struggling to cope. You know that, everyone knows that. And yet you want a break, because that's going to fix everything. Because that's what you do, get your own way or run away." He shook his head walking over to the prayer bench in front of the altar at the front, slumped in helplessness.

"I know I'm exhausting you, I can't keep taking from you when I have very little to nothing to give back in return. I don't want you to hurt inside anymore, you don't deserve to, you've been through enough, it's not fair on you. I'm only pushing you away because I don't want you to have to keep trying for the both of us. I know I have more support than I could've ever asked for but I feel guilty every day. It's hard to cope when everyone around you is constantly concerned, it's hard to not feel nauseated watching you care more for me than I could possibly care for you in return. It doesn't matter how much we love each other, I'm making you miserable, you care but you're not happy. Neither of us are, not really." I finally said, Ben buried his head in his hands, he didn't speak.

***

"I don't want you to be happy just for me but for yourself too. Christ Rosie, you think all I care about is being made happy by you? Are you not listening to me?! I don't care if I'm tired, if being tired means you're okay then I'll be tired, if I have to spend every night waiting for you to sleep then I will, I'm not going to roll over and leave you to face it all alone. If you have a nightmare in the middle of the night I don't mind, I want to be the person who's there because I wasn't there that night, I said goodbye to you that morning and within hours my whole world fell apart. I'm terrified of losing you again. It doesn't matter if anyone says it's a once in a lifetime incident, it still happened. Knowing things helps me, knowing you're safe and okay gives me some sanity, I'm not going to leave you so I can think about myself. I just, I just want you to feel better, to feel safe. I don't want perfect, it's not about me, don't you get that?

Everything I do is for you, because I want to. Just stop pushing me away, this misery isn't permanent, you're convincing yourself this is your life now and it isn't. I literally cannot believe how much I have to repeat myself. You aren't okay, and you need help, and you're getting that help. Putting up with you has drained the life out of me but I'll keep doing it, that's what you do when you care or have you forgotten what caring looks like? It's easier to write me off as a controlling prick you'd be happier without, you couldn't stop going back to Jolyon and yet you want to do anything but stay with me. Stop fucking around, taking a break is bullshit and we both know it. So what do you really want?"