Officially Cumberbatched? A sequel to 'Well and truly Cumberbatched'

Chapter 70

The café began to quieten down. Ben looked away, thinking.

"You said I've been breathing down your neck, pushing you, that I won't stop feeling guilty, that you feel bad for not being a wonderful girlfriend, for relying on other people, and that I was treating you like a child to say the least." he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"I didn't realise you remembered everything."

"I make a living remembering thousands of words on an almost daily basis for each project; I think I'd remember hearing all of that from you of all people. Don't you?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Rosie, I'm not going to blow up in your face; I just want answers, an explanation, something that isn't an argument. That's all. I said we have to talk, and talk to each other, not at each other. I'm done arguing with you."

I nodded, looking up from my tea. "When I said you were breathing down my neck I knew it wasn't fair, I felt as though I was on lock down. I know you meant well but it just felt, well...like I was being suffocated. I do feel like you won't stop feeling guilty, as if us being together made you responsible and you're not, not at all. I don't want to keep reliving it in my mind, or for you to either."

"Go on."

"I felt bad, knowing and seeing how drained you've become, you look tired all the time. As much as you say you don't mind it's not easy seeing you struggle because of me. I know I'm an idiot for clinging to you for dear life and pushing you away again, if not a total narc for doing so; seeing mum in the hospital, she looked awful, you can't ever forget what it's like to see the strongest woman you've ever known crumble to pieces. I've never seen my mum so broken, and then watching you crumble made it worse. You were both dying on your legs being so kind and I've been anything but. I don't know what to do with myself, and I took it out on you because I knew I could." I folded my arms and rested my head in the nest they made, avoiding Ben's eye. Not for the first time today.

"So where do we go from here?" He asked, calm.

"I don't know; I had hoped you'd have an idea." I shrugged looking at him, he rested his chin in his hand for a moment.

"Rosie I get it, but you have to try and understand that feeling of helplessness is yet to leave me; the people took you because of your relation to me, it's really hard not to feel guilty about it. I didn't want to consume you, or put you on edge, or drive myself crazy in the process. I just wanted to make sure you were as okay as you were going to be that day, for my own peace of mind and so you knew I cared. I felt and still feel like I should have been there with you, and I couldn't shake that feeling off for quite some time, I still haven't really fully moved on myself."

"I didn't want to think about how you felt, it'd mean admitting that something was still wrong with the pair of us, and I know that makes no sense. I snapped and pulled away instead when I felt like it. And the whole drugs thing, I felt angry more than anything at first, just because of how long it had been going on. I don't know how you've coped, not really. In theory I thought I was doing the right thing, doing it all my way, but I wasn't, you were trying to cope in your own way."

"What's the point in bottling it up if you end up snapping at me, I snap back and then we end up tearing each other apart?" he asked, I played with my fingers before his hand rested on mine.

"There isn't a point, not really. I've found it hard to believe we'd even get past the point of just tearing into each other before liking each other again like you said. I think more than anything I'd rather we just got back to how we were but I've been so tangled up in fighting you because it made some kind of fucked up sense to prolong the agony than to admit things just weren't working because we couldn't meet each other halfway mentally most of the time."

"I know, but you can, we can. Eventually. Not today, or tomorrow, but at some point. Come on you know that. Rosie the amount of times you've frankly taken it on the chin when I've had an awful day, week, or month even at work and completely lay into you because I could. Even when I called you at stupid o'clock in the morning you didn't ignore me. Is it healthy? No, but you were still there, and I'm still here. Don't you get that?"

"I know you are, and sometimes I have gone home in tears when you've been frankly horrible to me but I know it's not you, not who you are. I wouldn't walk away because you were being yourself, being honest."

"So you can do that for me. It's only fair that I do it for you? Yes?" he softly said, I nodded looking him in the eye.

"It does sound like a fair compromise."

"I don't just want you to be my lovely happy girlfriend. I want you to just be...you. For god's sake Rosie, you know that. Have good days, and bad days, and days where you want to throw things out of the window, eat loads of ice cream and wear my pyjamas all day binge watching something; tell me to give you some space when you need it, not after you've hit your boiling point. I'll back off, I just need to be told sometimes." he sighed, cupping my hands in his.

"You're not a robot, you never have been one and shouldn't feel the need to be perfect when bad things happen to you. I don't want perfect; I don't need perfect. Just you...you're all I need and want. And want to look after, and listen to and make hot chocolate for in the middle of July because you like it all year around like the absolute weirdo you are. Just let me, okay? Just let me in, that's all I want. You're not my crutch, or my play thing. You're just the person I need the most, all I want is for you to let me in. Just let me in, stop pushing me away." he finally said, the pit of my stomach hollowing the longer we sat there, shame filling the empty space.

"I can do that." I replied, his eyes crinkled with his smile.

"Good, do you feel a bit better now?" he asked.

"I do, much better."

"There is one thing though Rosalind."

"Full names? Oh dear."

"Only because what I'm about to say is serious."

"Hmm"

"When we get back to London, I want us to get help. Last night I emailed Georgiana, I'm not going to a rehab clinic, not right now, I can't. But I am going to get help. I need to be able to cope without medication as much as possible, at home. Well the right, prescribed kind of medication anyway." he said, my eyes widening as he said it.

"Do you want me to go with you?" I asked, he nodded.

"It's okay Ben, it's okay. I'm not judging you. No one is." I said and he relaxed again, there'd been a tremble in his voice.

"Does that mean you understand why I can't just quit?" he asked, I nodded.

"I know, the withdrawal could stop you from leaving the house, I understand. More than most would, you can do it at home, in your own time. Just let me know, I want to help." I quietly said as a waiter cleared our table and we said thanks.

"How do you feel now?" he asked.

"A lot better actually. A lot...better, for both of us." I sighed, a weight finally lifting.

"I'm glad, I take it you need to pee as badly as I do right now?" he asked and I burst out laughing.

"You have no idea, how much tea and coffee did we just get through?"

"The way I'm feeling, enough to fill a river. Toilets, then head out? I want to show you somewhere. You might not remember it, hopefully you do."

"Sure."