Officially Cumberbatched? A sequel to 'Well and truly Cumberbatched'

Chapter 32

AN: My goodness this is such a long overdue update! But if I'm honest I'm rather pressed for time most of the time so I was writing and editing (and browsing through an ever growing hoard of notes) when I got the chance; in a perfect world I'd update all the time but this chapter is a bit of a whopper (rather long) so forgive me for my absence? *bribes you anyway* 

Credit to @Blackbird_Singing for a "certain" name used later in the chapter, and she's an awesome writer too! :0)

I chose 'the power of love' by Gabrielle Alpin for this chapter as it best fitted the emotions/feelings presented, and it made me feel a little fuzzy inside as I wrote the last few bits :0)

Thank you as always for reading, a very big thank you (and a hug if you're a hugger) to my regular readers who just make it so much better to put this out there, thank you :0) *walks back into the cumbermist* 

A few hours later. 

Tuesday. Evening. Bed. 

Propped up by some pillows I just sat there, my fingers slowly running through his soft, Havana brown hair. I hadn't slept, I didn't want to, I was still processing everything he said earlier.

It was a lot to take in.

The thought that he had so much sadness welling up inside him, the fact he felt like that, the um-

The crying. That's what gets to me. 

He's never been afraid to show emotion but recently he's kept it almost well hidden, the pain on his face, the way his eyes sunk, totally defeated and yet he just carried on like things were getting better. He was, is, looking after me but who's looking after him?

I wish I could say I was but I don't know if I am. I want to, of course I want to but for once I just.

I really don't know what to do.

I'll try, today I'll try but I wish there was someone who could just tell me 'This is how you make the Cumberbatch feel better', but unfortunately such documentation doesn't exist. 

I knew he was sad, hurting, angry. But now I don't know if he's actually alright in any sense of the word, I don't know what's going on inside that magnificent mind of his and right now I wish I did. He fascinates me because he's so peculiar at times but then sometimes I'm left trapped in confusion because he's like an enigma, Alan Turing related pun not intended, well they're sort of related if you read about it. 

I want to help him feel better, to help Merlin feel perfectly normal again- I wish I could just ask Merly sometimes how he's feeling and have him speak back, just so I could know for definite. Some might think 'he's just a dog he won't know' but I know my Merlin, he's a lot more in tune with the world around him than people might think. 

'One day at a time' I again, momentarily thought. 

It's the "pedestal" thing that gets me. I want to be there for him, of course I do, he's my best friend, confidant, the person I most look forward to being with everyday. I love him and everything about him but-

That's sort of a lot of pressure, to be this one person who makes everything perfect all the time and even for Ben I don't know if I can do that, I want to be able to but I don't know, I'm only human; I make mistakes, say and do stupid things, act irrationally, selfishly, inconsiderately, without a thought of the consequences from time to time. I'm not proud of it but I am human, that can't be helped.

What if I fuck up?

What if I let him down?

What happens then?