Serenity's Curse to Chaos (KN - Castillo Series #3)

Curse 30 - Can't

I'm so sorry kasi ang daming typo and errors sa last update. Huhu.

I got out of my car and felt the wind that is greeting me, I closed my eyes hoping that it is her presence.

Hawak-hawak ko ang isang basket ng red rose na madalas nilalagay nina Rev pag binibisita ang puntod ni mommy, I have a habit of bringing the same thing to mom whenever I visit her. Siguro kasi takot akong malaman nina dad na binibisita ko siya.

Hindi man nila sinasabi pero may ginagawa silang imaginary bakod between me and my mom because they think I don't have any rights to mourn her.

Mugtong-mugto na ang mga mata ko that's why I have to wear sunglasses today. Wala na akong mapupuntahan, wala na akong pwedeng makausap kundi siya lang.

"Hello mom." I smiled at her portrait that is placed on top of her tomb. Nilapag ko ang basket sa tabi nun before offering a short prayer.

"Hello m-mommy..." I greeted her again, this time my voice is already shaking. I can't even find any words to use to tell her how much of a burden I am carrying right now.

"Signs that you are pregnant..." I murmured while typing it on google, but before doing so I made sure that my door is locked.

Nanginginig ang kamay ko habang tinatype yun, my finger automatically stopped at the enter button. Tila takot na takot din ito sa magiging kasagutan.

Fear immediately dominated my system. I don't want this feeling. Kinakabahan ako na may halong takot and for all I know this isn't the world's best feeling.
Out of fear, I closed my laptop, not wanting to find any answers. "No..." I murmured. "No, delayed lang 'to."

I lived for that conclusion until days after ay nagsusuka na ako. I always wake up with nausea and I really hate it. Hilong-hilo na din ako at madalas feeling ko ay mahihimatay na ako. And that's when I decided to give this thing a shot. Walang mawawala kung gagawin ko.

If it's negative then good, but if it isn't...

My tears are already welling in my eyes, ang hapdi-hapdi na ng mata ko dahil sa pagpipigil ng iyak habang tinitingnan ang dalawang guhit sa parisukat na bagay na 'to.

"Oh no." I cried while staring at three different pregnancy test kits that are all confirming that I am pregnant.

I have a little life growing inside of me, and I am scared for myself... for the both of us.

"Mommy what did you felt when you first knew that you were pregnant with Rev? With me?" I sighed. "W-were you happy that time?" I chuckled while wiping my tears. "Nakaramdam ka ba ng takot o masayang-masaya ka lang? Kasi ako mom, takot lang ang nararamdaman ko ngayon." I sobbed.

Huminga akong malalim, I still can't believe that there's already a little thing that is depending on me inside of it. "Sobrang takot na takot ako ngayon mom. Anong g-gagawin... ko?"

I look stupid while asking my mom's portrait about these thing but I was left with no choice. I have no one to talk to, not even my sister and step-mom that are both mothers. I have no one because they hate me. As simple as that.

Tuloy-tuloy lang ang pagtulo ng luha ko habang tinitingnan ang nakangiting litrato ni mommy. "Takot ako mom, hindi kami nagmamahalan ng ama ng dinadala ko. We did it out of a mistake, we were both under the influence of alcohol...." Hindi ko napansin na hininaan ko na pala ang boses ko, baliw na kung baliw pero ayokong marinig niya ang pinagsasabi ko. "Ano nalang iisipin niya pag nalaman niyang nagbunga? Malamang ang hindi niya matatanggap. Chaos... has plans for his life, he is going to study and live in New York with his girlfriend. I feel... I f-feel so guilty for ruining such great dreams. I saw his potential mom... and I can also see his downfall once he finds out about this.. I can't afford to ruin another life mommy." I sobbed, yakap-yakap ko na ang tuhod ko.