So.....

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Warnings: bad body images, pills, alcohol, implied smut.

First Person

I knew about the pills, the drinking, the morning runs, the vegetarian lifestyle but I was beginning to get worried. I peered into the doorway and saw him shove his own fingers down his throat before he threw up his supper in the toilet. A frown appeared on my face as I went to our room. I laid in bed staring at the ceiling. I never knew how to approach these kind of situations.

Do I confront him? Or do I slowly ease into it?

Do I hide the pills and alcohol? Or let him feel comfortable?

I approached Dean months ago but he said that Sam had never changed. So it hadn't been sudden. That much I knew.

I saw him walk in and sit on the edge of the bed. I smiled and grabbed his hand.

"Sammy?" I whispered. He turned his head slightly, barely letting me even notice he was looking at me.

"Can we just spoon tonight?" He asked quietly. I nodded and pulled his hand slightly. I turned with my back to him and I felt his arms wrap behind me. He always wanted to be the big spoon, he never would let me be able to face him. We never had sex, never showered together, never changed in front of each other. I loved him no matter what but it was getting harder to show him. I heard his snores and I stared at the darkness, maybe I will get him to open up.

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The next morning I watched him pop two pills and using alcohol to take them. I stood up and kissed his cheek, he seemed stunned as he tried hiding the bottle. I simply smiled and stared up into his beautiful eyes. He visibly relaxed before my eyes. I made my way to the kitchen and stopped by the bathroom. Brushing my teeth and hair, getting ready for the new day.

Later on, I got Sam our room. I made my way inside and sat next to him. I wrapped my arm around his waist and snuggled into his side.

I start with a simple question.

"How are you feeling Sammy?"

"Sick to my stomach but I should be fine by tonight." He replied.

"Was your run better today?" I asked looking up at him.

"Yeah, I ran farther this time,it was nice enough out." He smiled and I brought up, "what did you have for lunch?"

"I skipped lunch,my stomach wasn't feeling too hot."

"You need to eat Sam." I tried.

"I can't. If I do, I will just throw it up again." He looked down at his hands. I grabbed his hand and held his index finger.

"Then try eating, but this time we can start with smaller portions or small snacks at a time before moving onto bigger meals." He understood my subtle hint and looked at me.

"How did you find out?" He asked tearing up.

"I saw you last night. But I want you to be comfortable with me to be able to talk about these kind of things. I won't judge you, you know why?"

"Because you have to be here and act like you care." He scoffed and pulled away.

"Because I love you. I know we agreed not to say that but I do. I can't keep it down." I swiped a thumb over his cheek, wiping away a tear. "You are the light of my day Sam Winchester."

"I have body issues." He stated abruptly. He stared and I stayed quiet. "Ever since I was young, I was picked on, I was the chubby new kid at every school. In high school, I found some pills by a girls locker and I haven't stopped using them since. I run and eat healthy but nothing works. Pills and alcohol make me forget sometimes but it doesn't work anymore and I can't stop." I wipe away his tears. "If I stay as thin as I am now, you won't leave me...."

"I will never leave you Sam, I love you for who you are. We can move past this. If you still want to change your body, I will be there every step of the way. We can find healthier and better options to get to your goal. I want you to be comfortable with yourself. We can start searching more options tomorrow but tonight I want to show you how much I love your body just the way it is." I kiss his hand and kiss his arm watching if he pulls away. He relaxes and shivers at each time my lips meet his skin. I kissed up his arm and touched the edge of his shirt.

I say "may I take off your shirt?" He simply nodded lifting it up over his head. I smiled.

"If you ever want me to stop, just let me know and I will, I want you to be comfortable." He nodded again. I kissed his skin, every inch, not leaving one spot untouched. I spent the night worshipping his body and this was our first step together into what he has always wanted.

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