it has always been him • m.g

Chapter 48

Martin and I scheduled an unexpected visit to the doctor's office, seeing that some weird things have been happening to me recently; like I've been cramping as I do on my period and I bled a little the other day.

I don't expect it to be anything negative, and at first I thought it was normal that that would happen to a pregnant woman; Martin convinced me to get a checkup ultrasound. But sitting there, in that waiting room, I've never been so impatient or nervous in my entire life. I'm on the verge of a panic attack. I feel like I can't breathe.

Martin holds my hand along the way to the room I'm supposed to be in, calming my nerves.

The doctor enthusiastically greets us, apparently she likes us a lot as patients, says we are very sweet. I tell her about everything happening to me.

She readies the ultrasound equipment and squirts the cold gel onto my belly, then rubs the device around it.

"Oh," she says negatively as she watches the screen, I begin to worry.

"What? What?!" I ask.

She continues to rub the device around for a few seconds longer without even answering me, then inactively takes it off me and puts it back.

She breathes out, she looks beaten. "I am so sorry... I don't see a heartbeat."

For a moment I feel shocked, and surprisingly calm, like I am floating and there is nothing that can hold me down. It feels like it's hit me, but not yet. I look over to Martin and he seems to be reacting the same way. After a few seconds I begin to cry uncontrollably. The doctor mutters something about leaving us alone and leaves the room.

"Did I just kill our baby?" I ask, tears rapidly streaming down my face.

"No, no, no, no," Martin rushes to calm me down, though I don't think there is anything he can really do for that. "I think we've just had a miscarriage. It happens to a lot of people and it doesn't mean you did anything wrong."

"How do you know about this?"

"I did research on everything," he says quieter. In that moment, my heart literally breaks. He was so ready, so excited, so happy that he would be a dad. He didn't care that he wasn't exactly what most people consider the right age. He was just happy that he was going to have an actual baby, his own DNA.

"I'm so sorry," I cry out.

"Hey, it's not your fault. I mean it. Don't blame yourself for this."

"How can I not? I knew I was going to be a terrible mother, and the baby must've known as well, so it died."

"She! It is a she- was."

-

"Are you okay?" Martin asks once we are in the car.

"No."

He reaches over to me and wraps his arms around me, making me feel just the tiniest bit better.

"Maybe this is for the better," he says. I quickly squirm out of his grip, looking at him.

"What?"

"Yeah... I mean, the baby would've ruined our careers, we wouldn't be able to party anymore or do anything really. She would've ruined our lives. Also, babies take up so much time and money and energy."

"How can you fucking say that?!" I suddenly see him as a monster. Funny what just a few words can do.

I start hitting the car, losing control as he tries to calm me down, attempting to hold me still.

"What the fuck is your problem?! I don't care if she was going to ruin my life because I was going to be happy! I wanted that baby and I already loved her with all my heart!" I begin to yell at him and I don't even have to think about what I am saying, it all just pours out.

He turns the car on and begins to drive,  not even bothering to answer. I know he's just thinking about everything I said.

We remain silent until we enter our house. "Maddie?"

"What?" I ask aggressively. I'm still mad.

"I really wanted her too. I was just trying to see if there was a bright side, to feel better."

My eyes fill with tears and I hug him tightly, kind of throwing him off a little.

I let go and run into the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of vodka that we have.

"At least I can do this now," I say and take a swig from the bottle.

"Woah, Maddie, slow down."

"I do what I want."

I run up to my room, the bottle still in my hand, slamming and locking the door.

Shortly after, I hear a knock.

"Maddie, are you okay? C'mon, unlock the door."

"No!"

"Maddie, what the fuck? Why are you acting like a spoiled kid?"

"Just leave me alone!"

I hear his footsteps getting fainter and fainter.

I honestly have no idea what is going on in my mind right now, I have so many mixed emotions and thoughts. I'm overly overwhelmed. I just need to relax right now and try not to think. I chug the alcohol down, drinking the sadness away.

First I hated the idea of having a child now. But then I grew fond of it, and I really wanted the life that I planned as the baby was in my belly.

A part of me knows that I shouldn't be drinking, because drinking doesn't help in the slightest bit, but it's actually just helping me for these few hours and then back to reality.

I fall asleep, and a few hours later, I wake up to a loud noise which sounded awfully close by.

I bolt up, looking around my room. I have no idea what happened so I hesitantly walk over to me door, open it, and there is Martin, rubbing his shoulder.

"Martin, what the fuck were you doing?"

"I kept calling you and you wouldn't answer, so I got worried and tried to knock down the door."

I suddenly feel bad for him. He is going through the same thing as me after all.

"Baby," I say, putting my hands on his cheeks and pulling him into a hug.

He holds me tightly, and I just begin to break down sobbing uncontrollably. We sit down on the floor right in the spot where we were standing and he just consoles me as I cry.