Little Wonder (Phan)

Thirty-Seven.

"Watching the clock will only make you more anxious, stop it." I knew he was right, but we had been here for over an hour without so much as a whisper of what was going on. Eliza had said she would come out and update us when she could, but the longer she took, the more my stomach knotted up. Running his thumb over my knuckles, I knew he was just as worried as I was, maybe even more, he was better at keeping it inside when out in public. Me, not so much. "Remember when we first got Winnie, the first day actually, and we came home only to realise that we weren't as prepared as we thought we were?" He was chuckling, holding me closer, his arm around my waist and his fingers tracing light circles into my hip. "We were two guys, who for one have never had any experience with little kids other than Darcy, adopting a little girl."

I remembered, we were panicking for about the first hour after we'd gotten home, thinking we had made a mistake. Not Winnie, our choice, we never thought of Winnie as a mistake. We had no food, no room ready for her, and now we had a whole lot of other things to do. Schools, clothes, appointments, more than we had thought about beforehand. "She just sat there and watched us running around in circles like chicken's without their head." The memories had a smile creeping onto my face, closing my eyes as I listened to Phil's heartbeat. "It was funny." I knew it was good to have a moment like this, forgot the bad for a minute to remember the good parts, even if we still had to face the reality of the situation soon. "Phil, I'm worried."

"Mr and Mr Lester?" Snapping his lips shut, I saw those ocean eyes look up towards Eliza who had at some point shown up right beside us, her hand folded together in front of her. "I am here to collect you, but first, the doctor would like --" Something wasn't right, she wasn't looking at us, she was avoiding all together. "He would like to give his condolences." She was playing with her fingers, her eyes now focused on them, she was twisting her wedding ring over and over again. She had to stay professional, it was part of her job, she had to probably say this a lot, she hardly knew them at all. But that didn't make it any easier in the end. "At 10:37 this morning, Winnie passed away." 10:37? Looking back up at the clock, my breathing grew shaky as I realised that hadn't been more than 5 minutes ago. Covering my mouth, but there was nothing coming out, there was nothing to say. Phil held me even closer, hiding his face in my chest, and I knew he was crying, his shoulders shaking, and I understood why.

She looked guilty, as if though this was her fault, like she could've stopped this. This must remind her of Philip, her son. But it wasn't her fault, she couldn't have done anything to stop this, I knew she'd been making sure Winnie was as comfortable as possible. Walking over to her, leaving Phil to curl up into himself and cry, but I wouldn't be long. Wrapping my arms around Eliza, I let her melt into me, I let her cry her heart out. She didn't have to act like a professional in front of me, I didn't mind if she showed how she really felt. "It's not your fault, Eliza, I don't blame you." My voice was soothing, smooth, and I just held her tightly. "Are we allowed to see her?" She nodded, pulling back and wiping at her eyes, taking my wrist. "Phil." He didn't even respond, didn't even look at me, he just followed us, putting his hand in mine.

When she opened those doors I didn't want to believe what I saw, she looked just as limp as she had over the past few days, when she'd been on the road, but this time she really wasn't breathing. Holding in a sob, I let Eliza lead us to her side, and I got down onto my knees, her small hand was hanging off the side, and I took it in mine. It was ice cold. "The doctor said 1 minute, but I'll shoot for 5." She rubbed my back before leaving us alone, alone with her. Phil didn't seem able to get any closer than right behind me, and the tears in those ocean eyes caused me to start sobbing, I didn't care who saw or heard. Today, we'd lost a little life. She couldn't really be gone, could she? Rubbing my thumb over her tiny knuckles, my heart did more than just ache, it was squeezed, stabbed, ripped apart. I looked up at her face, she always wore a bright smile, her eyes shone brighter than stars. But right now, her lips didn't move, and her eyes stay closed. And the world seemed to go grey. When I told her we couldn't lose her, she'd smiled, I had been sure of it, was that just a trick of the mind? Was I hoping so much that I thought I saw a sign that everything was going to be okay? The tears didn't stop.