Little Wonder (Phan)

Forty-One.

"What was your childhood like?" Now that was another line you usually heard in a movie, but I knew it was to be expected, they had a set of questions they were required to ask first timers, so with Phil's hand squeezing my own, I tried to think back on how I grew up. My mum wasn't the worst person in the entire world, but she was always working, rarely having any free time to spend with me, so I was left to myself. Dad was there, but he was often busy as well, never at home, and always stumbling in late. And when he did, they usually fought, they probably thought that I was asleep and couldn't hear them, but I usually heard everything. And usually I was the cause of the argument. Even back then, I was always the reason for everything bad.

Keeping my gaze down, I held onto Phil tightly. "It was what you would expect a childhood to be, with a few fights here and there, nothing to bad." That wasn't exactly the whole truth, there was sometimes a bit of violence, directed at me. "They, um, usually fought because of me. I've always been a bit of a problem child, I didn't mean to be. I was usually the target of a lot of bullying, so I came home with bruises and cuts, not that they actually noticed at any time. I usually cleaned myself up, or just covered them up with baggy clothing. Which is probably why my uniform was always just a little bit too big. "My dad got violent, and my mum wasn't always there for me, neither of them really, dad got drunk a lot. He still does, really. We don't really see them anymore." That wasn't true either, mum had cleaned up her act and started being around a lot more, especially for me, it might have also been because she had another child, another son. He's only a few years younger than me, but I guess he was her wake up call.

"Right." She took down a few notes and looked up towards us with her icy gaze, but it softened when she saw how rigid I looked. "Mr Howell, how was your teenage years? Anything that we should be concerned about, or might help us figure out what might be bothering you now?" A friendly smile made it's way onto her lips, and I relaxed a little bit, looking up at her for longer periods of time. "A lot of kids who have had to deal with such homes, well, they usually don't feel the best growing up. We've had confessions of cutting, attempted suicides, running away." Her tone was serious, but her expression was gentle. "Did any of that ever happen with you?"

She'd hit the nail on the head. Well, for some of it, she didn't hit everything. I'd had an issue with my body for the longest time, even nowadays I'll look at myself and sometimes wish I wasn't this shape, even though Phil assured me that I was perfect just the way I was. That he loved my shape, and the chubby tummy that I'd gained over the years. "I did try and run away a few times, but I never actually did it. I was always to afraid to, if my dad found me, I knew he would just hit me again, and so I never did anything about that. I was so afraid to mess up in front of him, or around him, or not get good enough grades. I was afraid to do anything." She might actually be getting to something. Like how the other day I'd just completely panicked because I'd messed up and I thought that Phil would be upset with them, maybe this was the reason why, it was just ingrained into me. From what we could barely call a childhood.

"That might be were the issue takes root." Shifting to face us both, she let out a small sigh. "I think that your father has made you think that if you mess up, like any human might, that you might get hurt, beat even. Are you afraid of your husband hurting you, or getting mad at you when you mess up?" Had she been reading my mind? I knew Phil was expecting me to shake my head, to protest her words, but I just slowly nodding. Clicking her tongue, she looked to Phil. "Mr Lester, do you ever get upset at your husband when he messes up?" Phil was a little flustered and he shook his head, asking if this was supposed to be helping me, or if this had turned into marriage counseling. "Mr Lester, has anything ever happened in your marriage that might have your husband on edge most times?" Looking at each other with wide eyes, we contemplated silently to tell her what had happened on a few months ago, and with a sigh, Phil looked straight into her icy gaze and nodded. "Alright, then please, continue, Mr Lester."