Little Wonder (Phan)

Eighty-Five.

* SHIT I'M SORRY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE ALREADY READ THIS WITHOUT WARNING BUT THIS CONTAINS TRIGGERING STUFF *

"You better not kill yourself doing that, I don't want to be a murder witness or anything." I knew she was just trying to make light of a serious topic, get me to crack a smile or offer her a chuckle. But honestly I forgotten how to do anything remotely related to that since the night Phil Lester broke me. It hurt to sit, stand, basically move and do anything at the same time. I'd made a vow that I would never again myself but this seemed like a pretty good reason to break that vow. "I guess it wouldn't be considered murder since you're doing it yourself, which by the way I think you should stop but I'm not your mother and I'm not going to force you." This entire time I'd been staying at Mae's house, she knew what was going on and told me she would always be here for me but I think she expected me to have moved on by now. I was wearing out my welcome. I rubbed at my thighs, wincing as I did so but it took away the pain for a moment so that helped.

Grabbing my hand she forced me to look into those strange eyes of hers. "I'm serious here, I'm going to stop making it a suggestion and start making it a demand." Squeezing my hand I saw her features melt into something I wasn't used to with her. Concern. A motherly concern. But she didn't say another word about that specific topic as she got up and got the first aid kit. "So do you want to go see a movie or something? I hear there are some really good one's out this week." Opening the small box I sighed before removing the sweat pants she'd bought for me, leaving me only in my boxers as she began to treat me. "A good horror one if you're up for it, if not I can get Jack to go with me, maybe Signe." Over the past year or so, before this whole thing started, I'd gotten her in contact with Jack and Signe. Her and Jack had hit it off in an instant, you'd swear they were the same person or something. "Or I'll just stay home and we can watch Netflix, I got some new ice cream." That's basically all I'd been eating since I'd arrived. But not this time.

"No. You go out and have a good time, I'll stay here and eat a proper meal on my own and maybe even sleep soundly." I gave her what I hoped was a convincing smile before gently pushing her away and starting to treat my own wounds. It's not that I didn't trust her to be as gentle as she could or that she would do anything vulgar, I just really didn't feel comfortable with anyone that close to my crotch. For personal reasons. "Please, Mae. You've been ragged and cooped up in this flat since I've first been here. I will not be the reason why your already small bit of social life is dwindled down even more." Standing up despite the searing pain in between my legs, and I know how that sounds but you know what I mean, I got her up on her own two feet and began to push her towards the door. "You look fine and you'll be fine. I'll be fine. Go out and have fun for a couple of hours without having to worry about me. I'm a big boy, I can take care of myself." I gave her yet another smile even though I said I'd forgotten how to do that not to long ago. And I knew it made her suspicious, but she wasn't going to say anything. Finally with a sigh she got her wallet, she didn't like carrying around a purse saying it made her look weak and vulnerable and basically like she was just asking to be stolen from. "I'm sure Jack and Signe will be glad to see that you are still alive and kicking." After finally pushing her out the door I was beyond happy.

"Happy. Nice thinking." I was laughing at myself, my own thoughts, thinking that I could be happy. The only time I ever felt anything close to that was when that cool blade was against my skin. So smooth and carefree that I felt like the world's weight wasn't on my shoulders. Relief. I usually felt relief. Let out a small hum I let my legs carry me to the room I'd been given while I'd been staying at Mae's, looking at the phone I'd turned off and hadn't turned on since I'd left. I knew there would be over a million messages not just from Phil, but from friends as well. Mae was the only one who knew where I was and she'd promised to keep my location a secret. Until I was ready. I'd had a lot of those over the years. Secrets I wasn't to let the world know. And now what was the point? Phil had basically gone and told me that he doesn't love, he might've as well shot me in the heart. That's what it felt like. Sitting on my bed I looked down at my legs that were laced with scars and the tears began to well up in my eyes. I couldn't do this. The world was a cruel place and I just didn't feel like I fit into it, no matter what angle I took. I took out that blade that I'd learned how to hide so well from my house host, and gave it a meaningful look. I knew that the second I scarred myself even more, the more I was going to lose who I even was.