Little Wonder (Phan)

Eighty-Two.

"Phil do you love me anymore?" Ocean eyes looked at mine with what seemed like confusion at first, concern settling in short after, and panic seeping into those eyes quicker than I'd ever seen. These past few weeks had been nothing but papers and though I knew they were important and a big part of our lives I missed being able to curl up in bed with him anymore. It's not that he'd not come to bed, but he no longer wanted to cuddle or kiss me goodbye and assure me nothing bad was ever going to get me ever again. I know I'm a 29 year old man who shouldn't depend on such silly things but I'd grown so accustomed to it that it felt weird when he didn't do it. Setting down the current papers in his hands he sighed and rubbed at his eyes, they'd lost that panic and were now filled with something I hadn't been expecting to see. Impatience. Taking a step back I lowered my head like a child that was about to be scolded. I asked this, not as much as I used to, whenever I felt down or alone. I never meant to be annoying or needy and he'd always reassured me that he never thought I was. Was he starting to have second thoughts? "I-I mean, you've just been working a lot and we've barely said a word to each other these past few weeks and I'm just wondering if it's because of the paperwork or if it's from -- if it's about something that I did."

Rubbing my hands together I expected him to place his hands on my arms and assure me that it was nothing that I've done, that he still loved me and would till the end of our days. But of course this is real life, nothing ever works out the way you want it to. "What if this was some sort of mistake?" There were plenty of things that he could've been talking about and my mind raced with the possibility of every single one. But we both knew that I had already pinpointed the exact thing. I was trembling as he took a deep breath and continued, not even daring to meet my eyes. "I mean yes, I love you, but maybe that just isn't enough." Tugging at strands of his hair he was licking his lips repeatedly, trying to word his next sentence carefully. As if though the words he'd already spoken hadn't pierced me clean through. "Maybe what we felt was just a phase, do you know what I mean? What we felt was purely by lust and craving for that to be fulfilled and -- I don't want you to. .. oh geez please don't cry." But he didn't sound sorry, though his face was distraught. His tone was level, even, as if though he'd been sitting on this thought for awhile and he'd just needed to work out the courage to verbally discuss it. But you might as well have been talking to a brick wall, because it was as one-sided a conversation as you could ever get. "Maybe it's for the best if we -- you know, separated for a little bit and thought things over. There have been some doubts for awhile, in my mind." He'd turned around quickly, unable to even stand the sight of me. Was I really that repulsive? "I'll leave right away, you can have the flat. .. Daniel?"

I couldn't take it, my world was crumbling down around me and I couldn't do a thing to repair it. There was no more hesitation in his voice or doubt in his eyes. He was sure about this, some time apart might determine whether or not we should really be together. Years of being married and the things we'd been through together, as a family, obviously wasn't enough for him. Being in the same room as him made me want to bawl and curl up in bed and never come out of my room. He tried walking past me, he tried to leave, but I didn't let him. Pushing him roughly into the wall I glared at him, and anyone who didn't know me would think I was about to murder him. I think for a second he thought I /was/ going to murder him. "I'm so goddamn stupid to think I would've ever been enough for everybody. Thanks for the last few years, Philip. It's been a blast thinking I mattered to someone." Grabbing my left hand I took a deep breath before pulling off the ring and chucking it at him, satisfied when it clocked him right in the face. But that's when the reality of it all hit me. Determined not to let him see me cry anymore than he already had I spun on my heels and ran out of the flat, down the stairs, and into the street. I didn't care if I got hit or I tripped and seriously injured myself. My entire world was dead. I no longer had the happy marriage I thought I'd had, no longer how the complete and loving family that for 5 years I'd been amazed to have ever been granted such a privilege. But now I knew, now I knew that it was all fake. He didn't love me, he never had. And now he was going to take Winnie, probably find a woman, probably Bea, and settle down and make a real family. The way people were intended to. Not the way I'd thought was finally accepted. This was all a mistake.

I was a mistake.

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This just sorta happened. For some reasons I can't respond to comments so I'm sorry, but Vee I read your comments. I love you, thanks for leaving so many emotionally broken comments on my story, it really means a lot <3