Little Wonder (Phan)

Eighty-Three.

"Daddy, where's Papa?" Pulling at tufts of my hair I watched as her large brown eyes watered and looked up at me, how was I going to be able to tell her that it was my fault that Papa may never come back home? I never should've spoken my doubts like that, I should've worded it better. But instead I sent him bawling out of the flat like I'd beaten him, and it must've felt like that to him. Saying that he wasn't enough and that I couldn't love him anymore. Those were doubts and concerns I'd had for awhile now but never had I ever thought it would happen. And it still hadn't happened. I'd just been an idiot and said it wrong. "Daddy?" She was tugging on my shirt now, looking even sadder than before. Sucking in a breath I picked her up, despite her being 8 now and being quite heavy, and looked into those sad eyes. This was all my fault.

Clearing my throat I tried my best to smile. "Papa is on a trip, he's very busy but he tells me to tell you that he loves you very much and that he'll be back as soon as he can." But I knew she had her own doubts. It'd been almost 3 months since Dan had fled and there wasn't any trace of him, for all I knew he might not even be in London anymore, maybe not even England. To think that he'd left the country because of me made my chest ache even more than it had been. "How about you and me have our own little adventures while we wait for Papa to come back, alright?" Kissing the top of her head I set her back in her bed, it was late and little girls should be sleeping at this time. "Tomorrow we'll go see Sapphire and Ruby, okay?" Giving her something else to look forward to made me a tiny bit happier, we were both looking forward to the day Dan would come back through the front door and into our lives. But I was sure that both of us doubted that.

As soon as she was asleep, or at least she was very good at pretending she was, I got out and went to the living room. Falling back onto the couch I rubbed my face and then reached into my pocket. There wasn't a day that went by that I regretted every word that came out of my mouth. I looked at his ring almost daily that you would probably call it unhealthy, but who could blame someone when they were missing their husband. The husband that they drove out. "Self pity isn't going to help you know." Looking up I saw Dodie with a smile on her face. Louise had her own life, with her son and daughter, and no one else was going to drop their life and help me through something that I caused. Dodie hadn't dropped her life for me, but she had been more understanding than most and stuck around for Winnie's sake. She was almost like a mother to Winnie and it was nothing but good for her. Sticking out my tongue I pocketed the ring again and patted the cushion next to me. Taking off her shoes she made sure the door was locked before sitting down cross-legged, smiling a little more sadly at me. "I don't mean to sound like a broken record but you need to be getting out more, Winnie needs to be getting out more with you. I know she doesn't mind her time with me, but she misses her father." Placing a hand on my knee she tipped her head to the side. "How about a trip of your very own? You could go to America! I'm sure that your friends there would be happy to see you two, and understand."

"That doesn't sound like a bad idea, but I don't want to go to America, how about just visiting some family?" I didn't really have any family that would talk to me though, but Mama Howell had always been warm and accepting and welcoming. But if Dan was staying there and just wasn't telling me I didn't want to barge in and push him away even further. Taking out my phone I asked her if me and Winnie would be able to come over for a bit and then faced Dodie again. "I really appreciate you coming over and practically taking care of Winnie for me while I've been nothing but a lazy bum loathing in my own self pity." I was really beginning to sound like Dan now, I guess after being married for a few years your husband or wife would begin to rub off on you. Rubbing at my face I smiled before closing my eyes. "You've been a mother to her and I think it's been good, you know. She has a lot of motherly figures in her life, but not one that is constant like you've been, for the time being." I heard her scoff but I knew that she was smiling. Neither of us knew how to take compliments very well. But we were usually humble.

"There goes your phone, want me to check it out?" Waving her question away I smiled as I felt her lean over and snatch it from my pocket. "Mama Howell here says you guys can come over anytime you feel like it, she hasn't seen you in awhile." I knew she was already typing an answer so there was no point in telling her what I wanted said. We'd had a mind meld over the past few months so we were pretty good on guessing what we wanted. "Your expected over next week, hope you don't think that's to soon." Honestly, we both just needed to get out of here. Now.

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I think I want a lot more Dodie and Phil exchanges, she's a good motherly figure for Winnie and she's friends enough with Phil, in my mind, that it's not awkward she's there for so long.