Definitions

Chapter 58: Who We Really Are

Identity, abstract noun.
How we identify ourselves should not be determined by anybody else, or by any larger group that we are a part of. You need to do your own identifying, to the point where if you saw yourself in someone else's skin, you'd recognise your character.

Chapter fifty eight: Who We Really Are
About half an hour later, Josh was still not answering his Skype, and I began to believe he wasn't home, despite the fact that this was the time we had always done most of our recording and editing back home. I'd found the next available flight to England, which was unfortunately not for another two days. In frustration, I picked up my phone, and texted Josh to answer his Skype. I really needed his help and advice right now. Thankfully, after a few minutes, I could see that he'd read my message, and soon a reply came to try calling him again. So I did, and this time, he picked up.
"I was recording, gees," he smiled, lazily. "What's up?"
"Oh, I'm so sorry!" I exclaimed. "I should have realised, my bad."
"It's fine Jord... wait, have you been crying? Are you okay?"
"Honestly, no," I said, frankly. "Wait, you were recording? Was Simon recording with you?"
"No, he said he was going to bed, he didn't sound too good. Why, what happened with you two?" I could have no reserves from Josh, so I told him everything.
"He decided he needs a break," I said, quietly. "Or we need a break, something like that. He thinks he's doing this for me, only I don't want this, I really need him right now. He was thinking exactly what you said he was, only I realised it too late, and he thinks he's the one holding me back, and..."
"Alright, stop your rambling, it'll be okay," he said reasonably. "Wow, he... he actually said that?"
"Okay, okay, I've been an idiot, no need to rub it in."
"No, I'm not rubbing it in, I... Jordy, I'm so sorry. What are you gonna do?"
"Talk to him in person, hopefully," I said, shrugging my shoulders. "I'm booking a plane flight, I just need to know if you can pick me up, it gets in at 5pm, two days from now, is that okay with you?"
"Can do," he nodded. "I've got nothing important planned. Wow, airport taxi twice in a week, you really owe me girl!"
"I know, I'll make it up to you, I promise," I said. Josh laughed.
"I'm kidding," he said, "I love you to bits, you know that."
"You're the best Josh, honestly. I don't know what I'd do without you." Josh smiled.
"I'll see you in two days, Jord. Keep your head up, yeah? It'll be okay."
"Thank you," I nodded, giving him a small smile. I ended the call, feeling a little relieved, now that I had the flight booked. I fully realised that this impromptu trip to England meant cancelling mine and Lachlan's flight to Australia to get Pokemon Go early, and it would also probably cost me my place on my cheerleading team, since I'd be missing several practices. But Simon was way more important than any of those things, and he needed to know that.

It scared me a little, that my own identity was so heavily wrapped up in someone else. It only meant it would be a lot more taxing on me if I suddenly lost them. To me, it seemed a little ironic, how I'd gone on this voyage of self discovery around the world, trying to find out who I was as a person, when in reality, the answer had been right there all along.

And finally, I knew who I was as a person.

To myself, I was just a little girl with big ambitions, who wanted to achieve so many things all at once, and Simon was the only thing preventing me from going off the deep end, in trying to fulfil my dreams. It was something that everybody went through. We all want to be part of something great, that is bigger than just ourselves, but in the end, our individual ambitions and relationships make us who we really are, not the bigger picture.

But to Simon, I knew I was so much more than just a little girl, and that's what made him special. He always saw things in me that I couldn't see myself, and now I was desperate to show him how incredible a person he was as well. He inspired me, and so many others who knew and loved him through watching his videos. Now it was my turn to inspire him.

In that moment, I had never wanted anything as much as I wanted life to go back to normal. I missed recording videos all day, and our Skype call 'chill and edit' times. The good old days where Ethan would be laughing away at who knows what, and Josh would have a smart comment to make about him. Where JJ would do or say something crazy, and then sit there laughing whilst the rest of us tried to shut him down, which as a general rule, was practically impossible. I also missed laying beside Simon for hours on end, talking about anything and everything that came into our heads. To be completely honest, I was homesick. It was strange, that I'd spent the same length of time in America as I had in England, and yet England was still so much more of a home to me, than America had ever been. These happy memories caused me to feel depressed, and were probably not the best thing to dwell on late at night.

I finally fell asleep, with tears drying on my cheeks, and a hope that tomorrow would be a better day.

A/N: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR 10k READS <3 much luv :)
-Jordyn