Let's Talk Fanfiction!! {Closed}

Jordyn Raley

Fandom: Original (It's a world similar to ours, but with magic and magical beasts.)

Age: 13

P. O. B.: St. John's Hospital in Echara (smallish city)

Species: Human

Hair: She was born albino, so her hair is very pale blonde, almost white in certain lighting. She really hates how bold and bright her hair is so she has tried to dye it, but her roots always end out growing very quickly and leaving her natural pale blonde hair bright and obvious.

Eyes: She has very pale blue eyes but she often wears blue colored contacts. She wants to make them look darker because she hates how pale her eyes are.

Height: 5"2

Weight: 115 lbs

Outfit: Her outfit varies but her signature item is a ring that her mom gave her. It's a simple sterling silver band with three small diamonds set in it. She wears it on a silver chain and never takes it off. As far as clothes go she usually wears jeans, t-shirts, and pair of good running shoes. Sometimes she'll dress up nicely but it doesn't happen very often.

Facial features: She doesn't have freckles or anything like that because of the lack of pigment in her skin. She has a few random nicks and scars from playing outside a lot. She has a scar beside her left eye where she fell face first into concrete after falling off a gate.

Family: Lily Raley (mom), Braden Raley (dad), Christian Raley ( big brother he's 19)

Family info: Her mom is a stay at home parent but she usually isn't home. Her mom has a very serious disease. Despite the magic in their world there is no instant cure. It's similar to having sickle cells but it's a bit more deadly. Her dad runs a blacksmith shop. He works on making weapons and armor for more powerful mages. He struggles to make ends meet so he can pay for his wife's medication and hospitalizes. Her big brother works as a Mage, he goes on high-pay jobs to help with their mom because Jordyn is too young to work.

Friends: (all of her friends and enemies are other OCs) Shira Alsia, Reena Albarn, Chris Moore, Bradley McLaughlin, and Kourtney Adams.

Enemies: Alex West, McKenzie Rider, Taylor Schuler, Aaron Long, Kaden Remey, and Lexus Bell.

Personality: Jordyn is pretty quiet and passive, she's not the type to start arguments or fights. She's not exactly a social butterfly nor is she antisocial, she's just content with her small group of peeps. If she isn't with her friends she pretty much keeps to herself, people tease her because she has a "boy" name and because she's albino. She doesn't really defend herself so she tends to get walked all over. Her friends try to help but they can't exactly stop the teasing. The only time she really smiles, laughs, and enjoys herself  is when she's with her friends. Despite her small size and stature she's actually fairly athletic. She's a pretty good runner and can knock out a mile run pretty quickly. Her top time is 6 minutes 30 seconds. Despite her generally quiet and passive demeanor, she's actually quite competitive.

Powers: Because she's so young her powers haven't truly developed. She doesn't have much control and her powers typically react if she gets emotional. When that happens her powers flare up in a quick, sharp burst of energy.

Likes: Animals (especially dogs) being outside, windy days (she has the potential to be a wind elemental), thunderstorms, reading, trying to control/understand her powers, playing with her brother, helping her dad.

Dislikes: Spiders, tight spaces, feeling confined, being unable to fix her mom, when her brother leaves for a long time, when her powers flare out of control.

Magic beast/ Familiar: None yet but she often spends time trying to coax one out.

Extras: She truly despises being albino because she feels like it makes her a target. Despite the age gap she is very close to her brother. Because of her high affinity for dogs she often tries to coax out dog-like familiars. She sometimes wishes she could trade places with her mom.

Imma start with what I found wrong. As always, I want to point something out about the name.
What's wrong with the name Jordyn? I know plenty of girls with that name, and no one teases them for it.

Her dad works to build weapons and armor for higher mages, but he's struggling to make ends meet?
If her brother can do high paying jobs with his rank as a Mage, shouldn't higher ones be paid more? Higher mages would also need special equipment, right? Things that are more expensive than what lower mages can get.
So why is the dad finding it difficult to come up with money? If he's making things for higher mages, he should be getting paid a lot. Or is he only getting a few jobs every once in a while? It doesn't make sense.

Why does Jordyn want to trade places with her mom? Wouldn't she rather want to find a cure or that her mom never had the disease in the first place?

Things that I liked?
This character is quiet and seen as a pushover, but is actually competitive. She has a lot of reasonable limits due to her age and lack of experience, like how she can't control her powers. She's very insecure, a trait I don't see very often in main characters. She's obviously well developed. A lot of effort was put into her appearance, and she has a pretty good balance of traits. Like how she lets people walk all over her, but at the same time she also seems really kind. She really cares about her mom and overall her family is really close.

To me, Jordyn feels like an 8/10. She's a great character, but a lot could be better explained. Nice job!