Let's Talk Fanfiction!! {Closed}

Celeste Nox

(Quick apologies for the late review. This week turned into a mess. I'm writing this as everyone else is sleeping because it was the only free time I could find. Again, sorry city_of_fae .)

Have I ever read The Mortal Instruments?
No.
Have I ever read Harry Potter?
Absolutely not.
But like any other fandom that I am not a part of, I spent my off time learning about it to try and review this adequately.
If I didn't and something about my opinion sounds truly screwed up, please tell me and I will correct it.

Nickname(s): Lest, bat-cat, batty

Fandom: The fanfiction is Marauders era X the mortal instruments

House: Gryffindor but was very nearly a Slytherin, only sorted into Gryffindor because of her upbringing

Species: Was a Shadowhunter, now vampire

Age: Turned at 17, but actually 116

Appearance: Mid-back length ebony hair, pale skin, and black eyes. Tall, long legs, quite elegant.

Sexuality: Pansexual, demisexual (she likes sex, but she doesn't care about it, like it's not a necessary part of a romantic relationship.

Relationship/crush: Remis Lupin

Positive Traits: Very loyal, will 100% cut a bitch if they've threatened one of their friends (is that positive?) ambitious, intelligent

Flaws: quite violent, lowkey (HIGHKEY) vain, stubborn as heck, i guess drinking blood is a flaw?

Hobbies: She's a ballerina and has been training since 1889 (currently 1976 in book), and plays piano.

Background: Born in 1860 to an old Swiss Shadowhunter family, Celeste grew up the way a Shadowhunter would, learning to fight and protect the same way most girls her age learnt to see and speak French. Her governness was murdered in 1876, and so Celeste and her family moved to the Berlin Institute in Germany. A couple of months later, Celeste's lover was murdered by the same demon, and Celeste fled to the London Institute (a year before the events of The Infernal Devices.) She became close with the inhabitants, and made a best friend, Jessamine Lovelace. On the night of her 17th birthday, Celeste was killed and Turned into a vampire by Camille Belcourt. Over the years since her Turning, Celeste has become extremely close with Magnus Bane, who, after the passing of Jessamine Lovelace in 1878, became her best friend. In 1976, Celeste was offered a place at Hogwarts by Professor Dumbledore. Lowkey cannot tell you why she was offered in that particular year and not before because plot details.

This isn't a crossover that a usually see and that's something I find strange because "The Mortal Instruments" started as a Harry Potter fanfiction.
So while I would normally find crossovers ridiculous and a plot-wrecker, I'll hold that back on this character.

I don't have much to comment on her name, besides the fact that if you translate it, the meaning is "Heavenly Night". I'm not sure if you did this on purpose, but names with meanings– especially names along the line of "beautiful" or "Angel" or something of this nature– are quite Mary-suish.

Gryffindor is a popular and slightly overused house of Harry Potter. And while you say that she became a Gryffindor because of her upbringing, the only traits I'm finding of her's that are even coherently like Gryffindor's is the part where she will "cut a bitch", where I'm sure it means she can be a little reckless when it come to protecting her friends.

When talking about appearances, refrain from using words such as "elegant". That's a Mary-Sue word staring at you in the face. And try adding a bit of flaw to her appearance. I know we all want our characters to look perfect, but without a few imperfections here or there, she sounds exactly like any other female vampire I've read.

Her sexualities are both something I haven't seen a story yet, and should definitely be used more. Bonus points for that.

When it comes to personality traits, loyalty and getting upset when a friend is hurt are both overly used. Try adding different traits here.

Her crush is Remus Lupin. Or I'm hoping it's just a crush since he's already been taken.
It's a reasonable crush, especially in the time she's in, but there is one cliche in here that strikes me that I hope you do not use like Stephanie Meyer.
He's a werewolf.
I doubt I'll count off for this because you never state if this becomes a problem or not, but please for the love of Chaos, don't use this a plot arch.

As for flaws, you did pretty well. Although I wouldn't consider "drinking blood" a flaw, since she is apparently a vampire and that's just part of her instincts.

And here we go with people dying. At least her whole family didn't die in some ridiculous genocide or an accident that she somehow narrowly escaped from.
But thankfully it was just her Governess and Lover, both murdered by the same demon.
Sounds like this jack ace has a problem with Celeste.
But is she effected by these accidents in any way at all?

My last issue with this is the fact that she wasn't able to join Hogwarts until she was literally over 100 years old.
Firsts years are typically 11 to 12 years of age.
I'm not sure what the school of Hogwarts was thinking at the time when they decided to let a 116 (who looks 17) year old vampire join.
Okay.
Sure.
Let's just let her join and hope that she doesn't get blood-crazed around the much younger students.

But you said this was necessary for the plot. I hope you've thought this out.

5/10.

A LOT of Mary-Suish traits are in here and there were some things that confused me.
But I've no idea what you have in store for this character or what the plot of her story is. Maybe all of this is completely necessary for her and I'm just a babbling idiot.

Which is probably true.

Tell me what I screwed up on and I will gladly go back over and fix it.

Vote.
Comment.
And I will see you in the next review.