Let's Talk Fanfiction!! {Closed}

Mac Lionel

Fandom: Original Story called The Unwanted Deal. In a nutshell a boy accidentally makes a deal with the Devil while he's dying. Now he can never die and will always suffer.

Name(s): Mac Lionel, Micah Lennon, Myrick Logan

Species: Human

Gender: Male

Sexuality: Unknown, he's never had time to think about that stuff.

Place of birth: Yorkshire, England

Date of birth: 4/2/1898 (Mac's)

Age: He's always close to 19 or 20

Eye color: When he was Mac his eyes were pale blue. When he was Micah they were dark brown. When he was Myrick his eyes were green.

Hair color and style: When he was Mac his hair was close cropped and blonde. When he was Micah his hair was black and curly. When he was Myrick his hair was auburn and messy.

Skin tone: Mac was pale. Micah had a dusky tan. Myrick had fair skin covered in freckles.

Height: He's always close to 5"7.

Weight: 115 lbs

Occupation: In every lifetime he's always been a soldier.

Wears: He's always seen in the standard combat uniform depending on the time period.

Languages spoken: English is first language in every lifetime.

Zodiac: Aries

Specific quote: "I didn't ask for this life. I never wanted this! I just want to be normal again!"

Personality: In all of his lifetimes ha has been a very loyal guy. He's on the shy side and didn't make friends very easily. In his first lifetime as Mac, he hated how quiet his life was and always longed for adventure. When he was Micah he spent that life trying to regain control of himself and figure out how to cover up his fear and confusion. As Myrick he has become used to his endless cycle of misery and carries an immense sadness inside him. He keeps others at a distance because he doesn't want to make friends just to lose them.

Family: Technically speaking he doesn't have one. I mean Mac had birth parents but in his lifetimes he's not really born. It'll be explained in the backstory.

Friends: When he was Mac, his best friend was Luke Friar, he got killed in battle. As Micah, his best friend was Benjamin Sharp. In all of his lifetimes he considers his squad mates his friends.

Enemies: His only real enemy is the person who made him "immortal". The Devil.

Backstory: We open our story in 1917 England on a small farm in Yorkshire where a boy named Mac lives a quiet and simple life. Much to his displeasure. As a bright and brilliant 19-year-old he was accepted to the University of London and, wanting to leave every aspect of his old life behind, he packed his bags and moved into the school dormitories. Things however, were not easy on this lad, he was very shy and, at first, didn't have any friends which made his adjustment much more difficult. Eventually things started to look up for Mac, he found himself amongst a small group of chaos and lasses whom he learned to think of as friends. They were all studying in similar subjects, Mac's being a study of war history and battle tactics, and for some time was happy, but things would soon take a dark turn in this lad's life. When war struck London, Mac decided to abandon his studies and go serve in the war. The officers and generals wert very much impressed with his knowledge of war and battle tactics but, just like any other soldier, he had to work his way through the ranks. He set to work and made a name for himself and there were few who hadn't heard of the knowledge and bravery of this young lad. When he was sent to the war zone, to the front lines, he was still so innocent and pure, he knew not what it was like to kill his fellow man, nor had he ever fired a gun with the intent to harm. Still, he was committed to his duties and fought bravely, managing kill but three men in his time on the front lines. But as he crouched in a trench, his squad members lying dead around him, he knew then and there if he was to die it would be fighting to save the few men that were still holding onto the threads of life. He readied himself, and charged into the fray, determined to save the last of his squad by sacrificing himself, but something went wrong. He was hit, he knew because whatever hit him pierced through his chest and hit his lung. He felt himself collapse, everything was weightless and disconnected. The cold impending feeling of death was looming over him, prepared to snatch his soul, prepared to end his life but something else stood over him as well. A young man, he strongly resembled one of his fallen squad members, Luke Friar. "But Luke is dead." The hazy thought drifted through his mind but wasn't fully processed. The young man held out his hand.

"I can make this all end, all you have to do is shake my hand." Somewhere in Mac's addled mind he knew this was foolish, that nothing good could come from this, but with his dying breath, his final action he stretched out his arm and shook his hand.

Extra info: The nature of Mac's immortality is very twisted. His body can die, for example, Mac was killed in battle but he came back as Micah. He is trapped in an endless cycle of switching bodies. If you've seen Doctor Who it's similar to Time Lord's regeneration. When Mac is killed he wakes up about 67 years later in extreme pain. He wakes up in Micah's body with no clue about how he got there because he didn't know about the accidental selling of his life/soul. It's better explained in the story.

I like the majority of this character. All of his lifetimes are well detailed, especially the appearances. He's a rather shy guy, and while I find that pretty common in stories you made it where it effected his social life, such as the part where he didn't make friends at the beginning of going to the university. Nice job there!

Along with that, the way he died is well incorporated. It's sad that the Devil disguised himself as Mac's best friend– but sad in a good way. It made his actions more believable.

This character's attitude throughout his experience is something I also find interesting. He doesn't understand why he's going through this right off the bat, like I've seen many characters before do. Then he sort of gives in to his misery, which I also like. Quite frequently I'll see someone going through similar circumstances and they'll be a bit too determined to make the most of it. They're mind set seems to be," If I don't think positive, I'll lose my mind."
It's great that you didn't make Mac like this, rather turning to a more logical emotion.

I like that this "immortality" is a huge issue on his part. Because of this, he hasn't figured out his sexuality and doesn't like getting close to people. And every time it does happen, there's a long time gap and extreme pain that comes with it. This problem was clearly thought out. A+ here!

What I didn't like?

In the backstory, it states how few hadn't heard of his knowledge and bravery. The knowledge I can understand– you did say he took classes on battle tactics and history. But the bravery doesn't really make sense. It's later stated that he never once fired a gun with the intent to harm nor ever knew what it was like to kill some one. I'm assuming that this meant he had never been put in battle before and therefore didn't have a chance to prove his bravery. So how come almost everyone knew of it?

Besides that, I didn't find much wrong with Mac. You didn't say why the Devil chose him specifically, but I figured that was revealed in the story.

9/10.

Obviously a lot of work was put into this character and I hope his story folds out well!