Let's Talk Fanfiction!! {Closed}

Tenebrisea

This is TrashDogs OC.

Fandom: Pokemon

Pokemon: Zoroark

Gender: Female

Backstory: She was hatched as royalty in the Dark Pack, and the dark/dragon/ghost/poison types made her destined to be queen, and her brother, Bloodfang, decided to be king. They battled to see who would get the role, and Bloodfang eventually won. Tenebrisea was the most loyal to him after that, so in his will he made her the future queen. When he met Tails and became mates with her, she got enraged. Bloodfang took over the forest, letting Tenebrisea co-lead with him. He ended it, however, because of Element, a Jolteon Pikachu fusion. Tenebrisea then hired a Mightyena to pretend to be mates with Tails, Bloodfang watching and causing the two to break up. Tails was kicked out, and Tenebrisea was happy that there was no queen to dual against once Bloodfang died. Bloodfang became mates with Element and joined the Pokemon Tribe, allowing Tenebrisea to become queen. She was happy but also angry because Bloodfang had abandoned the pack for love, but also content because she was the queen of the Dark Pack. She'd attempted to continue the royal family by trying to drag BloodFang's son, Canis, into the pack, but failed many times. Finally, she had a war with the Pokemon Tribe but died. However, in Fadeland (Hell), she met Corrupteo, a Shadow Lugia, and broke out (ends here for now).

Appearance: A normal Zoroark with a crown on 24/7.

Royalty: Yes.

Personality: Evil, sly....it's hard to describe her, okay?

Extra stuff: She's confused whether she's the villain or the Pokemon Tribe's villain.

Theme songs:

•Jackal Style

•I Can't Fix You

•I'm Gonna Show You Crazy

• I'm The Bad Guy (Wonder if Yonder)

• Good Doggie, No Bone (Reba Macentire, Fox and the Hound 2)

•Nightmare Night

• Echo Crusher P (Gumi Vocaloid/ Jubyphonic Cover)

• Draw Me Closer (MandoPony, a Bendy and the Ink Machine song)

•Are You Satisfied? (Marina and the Diamonds)

Siblings/Family: AUUGH THE FAMILY TREE IS TOO LONG PLEASE

Friends: Bloodfang is the only one she has a close relationship with.

Siblings: Bloodfang (Shiny Houndoom), Shay (Shiny Umbreon), Shadow (Zoroark Umbreon Fusion), Wander (Liepard), Skylover, Nox (Shiny Aveon)

Nox, Shay, and Wander do NOT belong to me.

Mother: Kat (Delcatty)

Father: Darkness (Zoroark)

Hobbies: eATING THE SOULS OF THE INNOCENT– I mean, basically bossing her pack around.

Who she worships: Bloodfang and Void (Darkrai)

Her glitch: A glitch whom used to be a Ghastly named Sisn

Moveset: Shadow Ball, Fury Swipes, Night Daze, Night Slash.

Ability: Illusion

Nature: Lonely

Enemies: She hates Tails (Ninetails), she just doesn't hate her back. She also hates the whole Pokemon Tribe but Canis is decent for her I guess.

Wow.
Okie dokie then.
Tip of advice to the person who made this before I continue: When making a character profile, try making it as polished as possible. Otherwise it looks like you didn't try.

What did I find good about this character?
I guess the concept for starters. We don't ever really go into depth about the lives of Pokemon, unless it's the Mystery Dungeon games or Rumble Blast or something, so the idea of Dark Pack and the nature of the Pokemon in it is something I find interesting.

Also, you added in a few very important details, such as Nature, Ability, and Moveset, which are all completely reasonable.

But while you did great here, there was a LOT I found strange, wrong, or downright puzzling.

To start it off, this breed you've thrown in here called "Fusions". We know how Pokemon Breeding works, right? There's classifications of Pokemon that are able to breed together. And I think you did fine with that.
But AFTER the breeding, the Pokemon that hatches is a breed of one parent or the other. Not both.

Along with that, her siblings are different Pokemon species from her and her parents. So...were they adopted?  Because a Delcatty and a Zoroark put together doesn't make an Umbreon or a Houndoom.

Another thing is her personality. You said it was hard to explain, but it doesn't seem very hard at all. She has anger issues, a personality crisis, is power hungry, determined, ambitious, and a whole lot of other things, all of which would've been fine to put down. How can you write about a character without knowing their personality?

While royalty is a huge cliche in any fandom or story, it's become a conflict in this, so I won't count off for it. But I would add parts where she is met with other challenges. If she's so cruel as a character, what makes her pack want her to stay leader? Why did they make her destined to be Queen? Is there anyone that helps her in making decisions, like an advisor?

Other things I found confusing were why she has an obsession for her nephew, why she didn't just find a mate and have kids when she needed the family line to continue, where the heck were her parents while the siblings fought mad, and how did Tails and Bloodfang break up if it was only someone accusing Tails of being her mate?

Also, if she breaks out of Hell, does she go to heaven? Or come back alive?
And how would you break out of Hell?

This whole thing feels rather undetailed and messily put together.

4/10.

I think the only thing thought out was the theme songs, and I'm not even sure how half of them correlate with her story.
Good luck writing.

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