Let's Talk Fanfiction!! {Closed}

Tenebrisea

This is TrashDogs  OC.

Fandom: Pokemon

Pokemon: Zoroark

Gender: Female

Backstory: As an egg, her parents decided to run away, but forgot all but one egg. She was hatched as royalty in the Dark Pack, and the dark/dragon/ghost/poison types made her destined to be queen, and her brother, Bloodfang, decided to be king. Her pack basically believes that there will be good omens if they stay in the Dark Pack. They battled to see who would get the role, and Bloodfang eventually won. Tenebrisea was the most loyal to him after that, so in his will he made her the future queen. When he met Tails and became mates with her, she got enraged. Bloodfang took over the forest, letting Tenebrisea co-lead with him. He ended it, however, because of Element, a Jolteon Pikachu fusion. Tenebrisea then hired a Mightyena to pretend to be mates with Tails by making him nuzzle her, Bloodfang watching and causing the two to break up. Tails was kicked out, and Tenebrisea was happy that there was no queen to dual against once Bloodfang died. Bloodfang became mates with Element and joined the Pokemon Tribe, allowing Tenebrisea to become queen. She was happy but also angry because Bloodfang had abandoned the pack for love, but also content because she was the queen of the Dark Pack. She'd attempted to continue the royal family by trying to drag BloodFang's son, Canis, into the pack, but failed many times. Finally, she had a war with the Pokemon Tribe but died. However, in Fadeland (Hell), she met Corrupteo, a Shadow Lugia, and broke out (ends here for now). She broke out of Hell by combining her powers with Corrupteo and creating a portal to the Pokemon Realm.

Appearance: A normal Zoroark with a crown on 24/7.

Royalty: Yes.

Personality: Evil, sly....it's hard to describe her, okay?

Theme songs:

•Jackal Style– Basically her trying to teach Canis how to act like her, therefore join the dANK Pack

•I Can't Fix You- I have no actual idea how to explain this

•I'm Gonna Show You Crazy– Yeah, I know that this song is about somebody who's normal but is considered crazy, but she's kind of like a halfly depressed maniac I guess??

• I'm The Bad Guy (Wonder if Yonder)– She's... *inhale* EVALLL

• Good Doggie, No Bone (Reba Macentire, Fox and the Hound 2)– Her trying to convince Canis to join her

•Nightmare Night–...I'm honestly not sure, I might delete this from her theme song list.

• Echo Crusher P (Gumi Vocaloid/ Jubyphonic Cover)– She's kinda confused whether she's the villain or the Pokemon Tribe's villain, and she also has a hint of being insane but I haven't decided yet

• Draw Me Closer (MandoPony, a Bendy and the Ink Machine song)- Basically her loyalty to Bloodfang.

•Are You Satisfied? (Marina and the Diamonds)– She's a bit nervous and excited/happy about becoming queen, but also angry about Bloodfang leaving for love and the Pokemon Tribe, so she's pretty depressed and sad at the same time. She wonders how other Pokemon feel about in their lives, and wonders if they're satisfied, unlike her, where where the only thing she's satisfied with is her place in royalty.

•Colors (Halsey)– Depression

•Destiny Bond (Trickywi, Lavender Town Glitchpop mix)– I have no actual explanation for this, if I try to explain this it'll come out gibberish

•All the Best People are Crazy (Melanie Martinez)– Insanity

Siblings/Family: AUUGH THE FAMILY TREE IS TOO LONG PLEASE
(Me and my friends kinda like to mash up Pokemon and parents, stuff like that. So that's why this is probably confusing.)

Friends: Bloodfang is the only one she has a close relationship with.

Siblings: Bloodfang (Shiny Houndoom), Shay (Shiny Umbreon), Shadow (Zoroark Umbreon Fusion), Wander (Liepard), Skylover, Nox (Shiny Aveon)

Nox, Shay, and Wander do NOT belong to me.
Usually, I like to make fusions because in the stories where Tenebrisea (and many other characters) are included in, there's fusions, too.

Mother: Kat (Delcatty)

Father: Darkness (Zoroark)

Hobbies: eATING THE SOULS OF THE INNOCENT– I mean, basically bossing her pack around.

Who she worships: Bloodfang and Void (Darkrai) ((sort of an advisor))

Her glitch: A glitch whom used to be a Ghastly named Sisn

Moveset: Shadow Ball, Fury Swipes, Night Daze, Night Slash.

Ability: Illusion

Nature: Lonely

Enemies: She hates Tails (Ninetails), she just doesn't hate her back. She also hates the whole Pokemon Tribe but Canis is decent for her I guess.

Extra: Members of Dark Pack might be hunted down if they leave noticeably. Bloodfang made Tenebrisea Queen since she was so respectful to her brother.

She didn't become a parent because she knew she'd be a crappy one, she didn't want any, and she is extremely loyal to Bloodfang, so she wants Canis to be the next King.

Note: It doesn't exactly make sense because it's a part of a series that's hard to explain itself sometimes, but that only makes it more interesting and stuff.

Here comes take two. Ready?

I've been told to re-review this character, and...it's been an adventure, to say the least.
At least some of my questions were answered, like why Tenebrisea didn't have kids instead of tracking down Canis. But some STILL confuse me, even when you tried answering.

WHY are there Pokemon fusions? How is this possible? WHY is there an Umbreon and Houndoom in a family of Zoroark's and Delcatty's?

You said you wanted to make these into an actual series, but to do that you need to be able to explain why these things exist and how your AU works.
A good story doesn't leave giant gaps like that.

Along with that, her personality is still bland. She's the villain and I get that, but villains have good aspects about them, too.
And you could still make off more traits than what you put. For instance, possessive, deranged, etc.

I have a couple of things for the theme songs, too. I just did a rant on people using songs and not listening to the lyrics. And I found a few examples about that on here.

A.) "Colors" by Halsey isn't about depression.

B.) "Good Doggie, No Bone" is a song about how the big star life isn't all that people make it out to be. Especially when the buzz of it ends. How does that correlate with Canis becoming the prince (or whatever) of Dark Pack?

Along with that, you put you didn't know why a couple songs were listed.
If you don't have a reason to add them– besides the fact that you like them– then take them off.

And throughout this entire thing, it felt like you half-tried. You didn't give thorough explanations nor appeared like you were committed to this. Both are very important aspects of writing anything, be it a book, a movie, or even a cartoon.

The good things on here would just be a re-stating of my last review, besides the questions you answered.

I'm sorry to say your score is still low, a 4.5/10.
You really need to look this over. Characters need to be well-developed along with their story. And that takes time. If you can't type it out all in one go, then write it down somewhere. Look at what's reasonable, unreasonable, what readers would like, what YOU like. What makes this character so different from the many villains in...say.. Pokemon Dungeon? Or Pokemon Rumble blast?

I KNOW this character could be better, and I don't mean to offend you in any way.

All right, there's my take two. Vote. Comment. The usual bijazz.