A COLLECTION OF MY FEELINGS

Cloudboy

if i had been a billionaire
I could save my grannys life
I could afford a ring
I coulda got a wife
I could shooed away any hated in my face
if I'd been a billionaire I wouldn't have to strife
this forsaken life
written on my arm with a knife
cuts deeper than a heart break on midnight
New years or not
years aim to fail me
good deeds I  do but bad things just trail me
like it's a stalker ready to attack
it's off the map and a trap and it's not clean
I don't wanna suffer I don't wanna burn
Because now my concern messed with my school work
I am trying to be empty
before the tears escape
before I scream and leave get me the masking tape
give me a mask so I can disguise my face
it's like a relay race and i didn't get time to tie my lace
I'm internally tearing
it's so over bearing
like a large burden over a court case
like I'm on a lunch break
And and it's keeping me at bay
so my friend goes out and I have to ask since I have to stay
misery in pitts of my stomach
like a rat that has to rummage for every source of food
and no lie to you but he's gonna starve.. .
I dont wanna starve emotional presence
makes my mind dense less
than what I was born with
I practice darkness
like a sith
wear glasses still out of focus
got a metrocard
still use bus tokens
out of date while I overstate
big mistakes that i make
I assimilate
to the surrounding hate
channel it through
the existing face
that i wear masking fate
that I can't escape like a Destiny
But i can't stay
ima traveler
far beyond the reach
ima scholar impossible to teach
ima collar impossible to leash
ima Mac impossible to freeze
ima house without a lease
no rent no mortgage living for free
ima sad soul staring at the salty sky
wonder if you add more will it just dry
Will the clouds fade will it change color
if the clouds are gone what will cover
no heaven
to help
heathens
slept and misfelt
the feelings I threw
and now I can't talk to you, or you or you
large numbers need a hug from a brother
But I'm an only child so I suffer
don't trust the people Im intereally feeble
Im sick so sick I think i got measles
people gas me up so I think I run on diesel foreal
go to war like Israel
I'm tyrannical
no patriarch
But I'm manageable
I'm tangible when they touch me
when my momma hug me
she say that she love me
she dont love the real me
she loves the vision i gave her
But now she can't see
who her son is , who is me
mind warped heart leaves
wilting like the leaves on trees in winter sheesh
ima beast with no beauty
I'm like a girl with no booty
I'm different but not fruity
I fear that I'll lose me
so jeez can't handle me
shiny lapis lazuli
im novelty
But antique me
nothing ever pleased me
ever since i was a baby , not a 90's but a 00 never meant to be a hero
I'm in fear of what this can do
Will i be the person i was
who will be the outcome
how will it happen
I'm like a distant cloud
that's broken in fractions