A COLLECTION OF MY FEELINGS

So Close to Suicide

I used to say
That I regret nothing
Now I guess I meant it
Because I have nothing
My grades define me,
Outside of school ima ghost
I had skills... poetry, rap, roasts
A good personality
But nowadays in the mirror I can't recognize me....
I am so close to suicide
So sick of the cries
God knows I wanna die
Trust I don't tell a lie
And one day I just might
Disappear from this land
With a smile of shame , a slash on my arms and face,
And my body on the waiting list to cremate
I apologize to kyaja I told her I would be there apparently I failed
So stressed I pull my hair
I apologize nyashia for my attitude of late
You didn't expect this did you?
I type as my body shakes
I would say I need help, probably more than ever
But if I yelled and if I called I wouldn't be as clever .... so shani
I say
Keep my legacy alive
Even if I die
I don't want you to cry
Not one bit my ghost would stop your tears
I don't like when that smile you have disappears
Now you can think I hate you all
Assumptions are an enemy
I can at least say
When my body decays
That I've always tried to be there for you
So I sing
How close I am to suicide
Get lost in a park
So close to suicide
I cut in the dark
So close to suicide
I can barely breathe
So close to suicide
I escape with words I read
I swear beyond all that matters
That all I want is for my end
So please yes please don't throw your help to lend
I don't want it
I'd slap it away
I'd kick you
Fight you
And spit in your face
All to induce
This internal thought
That I never loved
And that I am what you guys hate
Kai was first
So I guess it did work
Nyashia was next
She thinks it's hate
Who am I to say
And then shani
Well a tricky tactic
But I've had practice
My three pillars of support
Who thought there were being used
Are totally right
I used all of you to HELP me
But it doesn't matter anymore because I don't want help
I'll take the L or better yet an S , a knife across my chest
Blood is just less
Of the problem I might have
A train track might be glad
For me to walk on it
I cried as I wrote this
But don't take it personal I hope I don't offend
I'm sorry I just wanted a helping hand to be lent
So sorry if I cause trouble
Ima trouble maker but now I'll go forever to get denied by my maker
So I guess I'll be gone now, nothing to tell
I hope all of you will do just well....