Raidyn
I woke up earlier than usual. My head was pounding from the night before. All I could think about was death. The lives I have taken and the cost of me. I wasn't worth it, any of it. I knew that Byrd was upset and crying, but I could barely hear or rather process a word she had said because all I could think about was Merritt. Maybe I don't do sexual things in the kitchen or dining room not because I find it gross, but because it reminds me of her. Maybe I was so strict with my tonic-policy because I knew what the cost of that was first hand, the experience. I knew Byrd would dig and dig until she finally found something that upset her. I knew that one day I would have to give up the truth about Merritt, but it was just so painful, too painful for me to bare. I slept last night just to get away from the talking and away from my thoughts.
Merritt's gravestone doesn't list the baby or the pregnancy. On my run I stood there an extra minute just to fix the flowers I had put down yesterday and say out loud how sorry I was. I would never stop feeling sorry. Ironically, instead of the situation pushing me away from sex it drove me toward it. I wanted to have someone as comfort, as pleasure, just as long as after that we were nothing to each other and there was no responsibility involved. I lived with being hollow for so long, I lived with pushing all of my feelings down and away that even now I felt numb to them. I wanted to scream out, but I was unfamiliar with my voice. I can't even picture Merritt's face anymore, her laugh, her smell, or any recollection of us together because I pushed her farther down than anyone, anything.
Merritt's best friend was the one who told me it all, all of the horrors. She was distraught and violently crying about the death of her friend and the unborn baby. My unborn baby. At just sixteen I had had just gotten able to deal with losing my parents and sister, I had to add Merritt and our baby to that. I was killing more and more of my family it seemed which was why when it comes down to it now I don't take it for granted.
No one knows this story except a few, not Bren for certain. Those who were around me knew to stay away while I sulked. Self-brooding was easy for me having just spent years doing it. It was my grandma then just as it is now who snaps me out of it. "Focus on the living! Your Queen, children, and people need you now. Let it go, Raidyn." She had snapped upon popping up behind me at Merritt's grave. My self-hatred had returned so I simply nodded and continued on my run. I was still in no mood for talking, but I would for them. The air starts to feel lighter on my way back to the castle, but I can still smell the freshness from the downpour on the grass.
I bathe and dress for the day when a guard knocks at the door, Byrd is still under the comforter silent and possibly sleeping. I open the door and receive the message. "The gift from Queen Creylia has arrived, Your Highness."
"I'll be right down." I report back and shut the door.
"What's going on?" Byrd takes the covers off of her rubbing her eyes.
"My gift has arrived. Would you like to come with me?" I ask politely even though she will be kept far away from the unwrapping for her safety.
"Yes please." Byrd stands and gets dressed for the day.
"Stay on the top of the stairs until I give the signal. If anything jumps out to attack, you run. Get to the nursery, grab the kids, and go to a safe place." I instruct.
Byrd nods her head in understanding.
"And Byrd, I'm fine as long as we never bring up yesterday again. I never want a soul to know." I add.
"Okay." She says quietly.
"Ready?" I extend my hand out to her.
"As I'll ever be." She grips onto my hand tightly.
