Contemporary Life // FILLIE

What I Really Need

Finn's POV:

After the fourth ring, in comes her British voice saying the same exact sentence as last time: Hey. It's Millie, I couldn't come to the phone right now but make sure to leave a message anyway! I groan in annoyance, "Fucking shit! That's the fifth call, Gaten. Fifth call!" I exclaim as I shake my hand-held phone at the driver with the curly hair, and iconic hat. "Calm down, Finn. It's not like she's breaking up with you." He insists, causing me to roll my eyes as I divert them to the window. "Besides, she won't be able to escape you at school. You have first period together." Gaten adds already knowing the fact, since we've talked about our classes before. "I know but.. she's avoiding me. It's like after yesterday she doesn't want anything to do with me," I explain, muttering the last sentence to myself. Suddenly I feel a comforting, strong hand grasp onto my shoulder. "Hey, don't think like that. I know for a fact that Millie wants everything to do with you, and I bet she's only ignoring you because she thinks it's what's best." He explains with kindness flourishing through his unique voice. I only nod slowly, letting him know that I understand. The action allows him to retract his comforting hand and keep driving. If only she knew that what I really need right now, is her.

-

The 2004 traverse comes to a stop as Gaten shifts into park at North Forsyth High. I grab my backpack from the back seat and jump out of the car where I then start my walk towards the school with Gaten at my side. "It's strange, y'know?" I say, forgetting that he can't read my thoughts. "What?" He asks curiously. "Not having Caleb around. It's just weird.. I miss him." I confess with a sigh. Gaten purses his lips as he stares down to his feet until looking to me again. "Yeah, so do I. But it's kinda hard to help him until we know what even happened in order for him to do, what he did." He mentions, to which I nod in agreement. We walk further towards the table just outside the school, our table. "See? What'd I tell you, Millster's right there." Gaten points out as he smacks my back..or more so my backpack. "Yeah, yeah. Whatever." I mumble through my joyous smile as I shove him playfully aside. I set down my backpack below the connected table seat located beside Millie. I watch as her eyes glance to the familiar backpack, the sight causing her breath to hitch but with no sound to show it. She looks up from the bag only to let our eyes meet. Both of us with our faces expressionless, but our eyes shouting each emotion out loud.

"Finn." She greets, her tone making it almost seem like the name hurt coming out. "New girl." I greet back. I watch her face intently as she breaks our eye-contact, her beautiful soft eyes shielded when she stares down at my bag below me. I stare as I watch a single tear rolls down her smooth cheek, one I wish I could wipe away and heal with a kiss. But I only clench my jaw to keep myself from breaking, but more importantly to stop myself from saying anything I know isn't actually true despite how much she may want to hear it.. I'm sorry, I'm okay now. Promise. Even saying 'I miss you' would only be a taunt. A taunt that made her want to just forgive me, when even I know it's wrong to do that yet. Because in truth.. I'm not okay. Hell, maybe I never will be.

"Did you get my calls," I say calmly without even a hint of curiosity. "Don't do this to me, Finn." She mutters quietly while the others talk among themselves, still refusing eye contact. "Call you?" I question, causing her to light yet also softly, scoff. "Make me feel like I'm the one guilty." She replies once lifting her eyes to meet mine. I clench my jaw again. Keep back the tears, Finn. You can do it. "That's not what-" "I know you think you're hurting, beanie boy. But oh.. even hearing your name hurts more than you're hurting now. So imagine hearing your voice, imagine the guilt and pain.. and multiply that by 10." Millie rants out, almost choking on her words as tears threaten to fall. I've never wanted to say three simple words more in my life than right this moment.

-

I had watched Millie walk swiftly down the hall after our short conversation this morning, headed towards the office. I had felt the strong urge to go after her, but knew I couldn't. There would've be nothing I could've said to make it better, to make me better. And so I went through the day in what felt like a twilight zone. All because she wasn't there to hold me to the ground and be the only thing that made sense to me in this world. And so when that final bell rang and I was driven home by the curly headed goofball, you can bet I started straight for the hand that would bring me back down.

-

I'm an idiot, she obviously doesn't want to see me. Why do you think she left?  Thoughts roam in my mind as I approach her front door with my hands shoved in my tan, furred inside, coat. It doesn't matter, I need to see her.. I need Millie. I raise my fist and knock on the door once, twice, thrice followed by a pause, and then three times once more. Seconds later the door opens to reveal a middle aged woman, that woman being Mrs. Brown. "Hello Finn, how are you today?" She greets sweetly, her accent much more prominent than Millie's. I put on my best smile for her, "Good, and you Mrs. Brown?" I ask politely. "Well just dandy now that you've visited, I suppose you're here for Millie?" Mrs. Brown suggests as she widens the doorway, insisting I come in. "I'd be lying if I said no." I admit with a small chuckle, to which she only smiles as a response. "Millie! Someone's here to see you!" She shouts towards the stairs, and soon enough the hand I was searching for emerges from the hallway. "Who is i-" Millie cuts herself off when her eyes catch sight of me. "Finn." She breathes out as her shoulders seem to relax; as if stress had been building up on them and she had just let it fall from her shoulders. "Millie." I greet back jokingly, still aware of her oblivious mother. "Well, I guess I should leave you two to talk. It's nice to see you again Finn," Mrs. Brown states before heading into the kitchen. Millie and I both share a second of just not knowing what to do next until she gestures for me to come upstairs.

I slip off my jacket and shoes, leaving the two items of clothing at the entry before jogging up the stairs after Millie. Coming down the hall, I walk into Millie's room to find her sitting on her bed with about fifteen Polaroid pictures laid out before her with an empty white envelope reading 'Millie' beside her. "What's that?" I ask as I walk to the edge of the bed and peer down at the pictures I didn't even know existed until now. "I think it's pretty obvious.. but they're pictures, Finn." The brunette jokes while letting a small laugh escape her. I smile down at her, at the sound of her being happy in my presence. "Who took them?" I question curiously as I glance over each photo. Most of them Millie and I, but a decent amount being pictures of either all of us, or one of us with another. "Sadie, she gave me some after the snowball but I guess she took more and forgot." She explains with a shrug. I only nod, forgetting the fact that she can't see my face due to me being behind her. "Here, sit." Millie moves over on the bed, patting the newly empty space beside her. Without needing any convincing, I oblige. Looking over the photos, I carefully pick out one that sparked my interest. In the picture stands Caleb and Millie, the two facing the camera with Millie's arm resting on his shoulder, both of them flashing a smile.

"You were drunk that night." The Brit beside me mentions as she points out the bar the two stand behind, the exact bar located in Caleb's basement. "Yeah, I remember." I smirk with the memory fresh in my mind despite my state at the time it happened. A silence fills the space between us as she stares at the picture with a reminiscent smile. "Hey, uh.. about yesterday-" I start before being cut off abruptly when her hands rests on mine. She bites her lip as she glances at the photos before looking to me. "I'm sorry. Yesterday, there was just a lot going on and it really wasn't you're fault- I mean it was, but you're going through just as much stress as any of us, or more. I guess it just scared me seeing you like that.. because if the only thing really making me happy in this whole shit-storm is gone, I don't know how I'd get through it." She shakes her head while letting out a sigh, "I don't know, I think maybe I was a little harsh on you." Millie purses her lips together as her face is painted with guilt. "It needed to be said, whether it hurt either of us or not. With where I was going within just a few hours of breaking, I think it could've gotten worse by the day if it wasn't for what you said." I confess, giving her hand a squeeze before releasing. She gives me a short smile in return.