Ocean Eyes (Lapidot fanfic)

T

OKAY SINCE YALL BLEW UP MY NOTIFICATIONS BECAUSE OF THE LAST STORY PART, here. Have this as a peace offering.

I am a bad person :')
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I should be scared.

I should be sad.

I should be depressed.

Why am I doing so fine despite the fact that mom is gone?

She was the only one who understood me. She was the one who would always tell me advices. She was there for me, the only one there for me.

I lay there, on my messy bed with the bed sheet off on one corner. I didn't mind, I didn't care. I never really cared did I?

All I wanted to do was lie down and not give a damn. But I had to. I had to care because it was my mom.

Why am I like this?

I always feel so lonely. Don't get me wrong, whenever I'm with Lapis everything is colorful. I felt so alive, I wanted to always be with her and make her touch me whenever she wanted. I've craved nothing but her attention and kisses. It's like, no exaggeration, even if we don't end up together until the end, at least I have my memories with her. I could just replay it and make myself feel whole again. But...

That was the problem.

I never really showed my true affection. I just went along with her because I wanted her to take me over, guide me away from this darkness that's covered me since mom was taken away from me. I wanted to feel strong.

It's sad. I'm sad. Rooting for someone because you know they can help you.

I'm useless. Helpless even. I couldn't stand the thought of being alone even though I've been practically distancing myself away from everyone since I knew I was gay as hell.

They would judge me, they thought I was revolting. But not mom, she loved me for who I am. There were times I tried to be straight, I went out on a couple of dates but I still can't get myself to say that I love men. Men are disgusting. At least, that's what I thought when I saw dad leave mom right before my eyes back when I was six years old. He shook off her pleading cries and touches. Mom cried hard that night. I remember laying in my bed, getting ready to sleep, as her wails echoed through the thin walls of the house. I cried with her too while I hid myself under the covers. I wanted to hug her, but that was all a little six year old like me can do.

Come to think of it, have I ever shown my true self to Lazuli? Hell, have I ever shown my true self to anyone at all?

What is my true self, to be honest? I don't really know. Who am I? What am I doing? Why am I looking for reassurance and safety in someone else's arms? I thought I was independent enough to take care on my own. But I really wasn't. In the end I always needed someone.

I am so lonely.

"Peridot? It's monday, I thought you should know since it's like, 15 minutes before that start of classes." Steven knocked on the door.

I stayed silent. I didn't want to go. Snow had already fallen. I could already feel the cold even under these thick blankets.

"Peridot, I'll open the door if you stay quiet." Steven warned.

"I'm not going." I growled.

"You can't just decide to not go, it's almost November! Which means quarterly exams are coming."

This school has weird schedules.

My mouth bent down. I hated being told what to do. It's making me feel like they're rubbing it in that I'll not do good being alone.