Adopted By Five Seconds of Summer

Hopeless

 ! T R I G G E R   W A R N I N G  !

There it was, that hopeless feeling that everybody had felt at some point in their lives. Whether it stayed or not was the real question. For some, it was merely a phase that lasted a day - a week or month and would occasionally make a return. For others it was a constant feeling, that feeling that there's nothing to look forward to, that there isn't anything that can make this feeling of dread leave.

Depression 

I'd had it for awhile but it was manageable, I could take a walk outside, a cold shower and it'd subside for awhile but after having to relive the moment Cory put his filthy hands on my body without my consent, it was worse then I'd ever felt. 

It made my thoughts ponder to 'What if I was stronger, what if I had put just a bit more strength into it? Would it have stopped?' and sometimes it was just me in the silence of the dreadful night, wondering what would have happened if Sophia had stepped in. 

Sophia. Someone I would have considered my best friend had let me down when I needed her most. I would've done anything for her, she'd stopped him before but when it was really happening - right in front of her sick eyes she couldn't stop it again. 

I let a strangled sob out, my tears ran down my face like a waterfall, never ending. It was midnight and I'd been up here for five hours crying, stopping for thirty minutes and trying to calm down but then the tears would begin again. 

I shoved my face into the pillow so nobody could hear my sobs and cries. The last thing I wanted was for someone to come in here. I basically yelped as I tried to take a breath in. I hated Sophia. I hated her just as much as I hated Cory.

I bit my lip to try to stop my cries but as blood drew from my lip, I realized these sobs weren't stopping any time soon. It felt as if I could cry forever, never leave my bed and just cry until I died.

Usually, the thought of dying scared me - terrified me. But in this moment, this moment of pure vulnerability it seemed comforting. Like God was just waiting for me, telling me 'Living isn't for everyone' 

It seemed so comforting, like all my problems would just leave. I wouldn't have to see Cory every again, I wouldn't every have to think about what he did to me again if I just did it.  

My hands fisted the pillow case, I shoved my face into the pillow more as the thoughts plagued my mind, only making me sob more. 

Nobody would miss you. The boys don't care about you, you're just a pain in the ass. I told myself. You don't even have any friends. The stars would still shine, the sun would still come out and Earth would still turn. So why not? 

Before I even knew what I was doing, I was in my bathroom, sat on my toilet. I'd never felt this much pain, this much dread overflow in my body before. It was poison that was bound to kill me at some point. 

It was like I had blacked out because suddenly, there it was. That bottle, taunting me. Begging me to just do it. My shaky hand reached out and gripped the white bottle, the red bold letters screamed at me.

WARNING: DO NOT TAKE MORE THEN THREE PILLS AT A TIME 

But it wasn't big enough, it wasn't enough to stop me from pouring six - ten - eleven of those blue gel pills into my hand. I stared at them, completely emotionless until a tear dropped into my hand.

I wanted nothing more then for this pain to go away, for this hurt to subside and nothing felt like a better idea then to just down them, to just swallow every single blue gel pill and allow it to just take me away. 

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 <3 Hey guys, I know this was a sensitive chapter so I just wanted to put a reminder for all you beautiful people out there:

1) YOU are BEAUTIFUL and I love YOU <3

2) YOU are never worthless you mean the WORLD to ME  <3

3) YOU can do ANYTHING you want who give a fuck what other people think <3

4) It's OKAY not to love yourself nobody it 100% content with their body :) <3

5) Put YOU before anything or anyone nothing is more important then YOUR mental health; not school, not boys, not girls, not friends, not ANYTHING comes before YOU and YOUR happiness <3

6) PLEASE always seek help if you are feeling hopeless, suicide is NOT the option, I know it sounds cliche but it DOES GET BETTER i PROMISE <3

7) YOU have to get through the bad to get to the pretty <3

8) Reminder to ALWAYS make sure your friends are okay, sometimes the happiest or strongest are the ones the most broken <3

9) Don't change for anyone or anything except YOURSELF <3

10) I love you please don't act on your emotion right away :) <3

National Suicide Hotline- 1-800-273-8255 <3

<3