Perseverance (The Resident FF) by Frances51163

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR: Dealing with a Death

Authors' Note - The first two paragraphs of this Chapter deal with Andys' suicide. If this topic is upsetting for anyone please skip to the third paragraph (I have used stars to denote end of second paragraph). You will still be able to follow the story.

The Psychiatrists' boast of a world famous recipe may have been exaggerated but Conrad enjoyed the two thick pancakes he had sparingly sprinkled with sugar. Once the dishes and cutlery had been banished to the dishwasher Mike made two mugs of coffee then sat down beside his friend at the kitchen counter.

"So you want to tell me what happened in the bathroom?"
"Just slipped," Conrad concentrated on the night sky across the way.
"I think it was something else."
"I slipped."
"When?"
"Does it matter?"
"Conrad you missed your shift today. Something I've never known you to do. On top of that you didn't call in all day."
"So?"
"Well I'm thinking you didn't slip. Given the fact that you haven't been eating or sleeping lately it's obvious something is going on with you. Want to talk to me about your friend dying."
"No," Conrad shook his head vigorously, "you were there. You know what happened."
"Are you angry at him?"
"For what?"
"Taking his own life."
"No! And luckily I can say that honestly. I've spoken to various people who have lost someone to suicide and everyone deals with it differently. I know there are people out there who can't understand why anyone would choose that option but honestly I think that just means they haven't had to deal with what for them seemed insurmountable. You know yourself every single individual deals with things differently. A problem one person might consider a challenge to get through another might view as insurmountable. Besides I reckon suicide is rarely the product of just one incident, it's a build up of experiences over someones' lifetime."
"Interesting perspective," Mike pointed out.
"You disagree."
"You make some good points but let's not get bogged down in medical theories. Why did you say 'luckily' you can say you aren't angry?"
"Just that this was my belief before Andy jumped. Hate for the act itself to make things clear."
"So you're at peace with what he did?"
"I'm ......," Conrad paused trying to transform thoughts into words, "at peace .... in the sense that it was what he wanted to do. But I'll never be at peace with the fact that he felt that was his only recourse. Damn, he was so relaxed that night when we spoke."
"Well for a lot of people once they make the decision it can be a huge relief because they've finally found a way to deal with their problem."
"Yeah ..... guess so," Conrad sighed, "just wish I had known his real state of mind."
"Unfortunately regrets are just one of the things those left behind have to deal with," Mike consoled solemnly, "but at the end of the day we have to accept it was their life and their choice."
"I know."
"But it doesn't stop the hurt," Mike stated sadly.

*****************************************
With a full stomach Conrad felt some energy returning as he walked over and plopped down on the couch, Mike following suit.

"We've never spoken much about your time in Afghanistan," spoke as he made himself comfortable on the end of the couch, careful not to crowd the younger man.
"Never came up," Conrad frowned.
"I'm bringing it up now. I've never been in the military but a number of people I know have been. What was it like?"
"Interesting question .......... mind numbing boredom interspersed with bouts of pure terror."
"Never thought it would be boring."
"Well the movies make it look like it's mostly action but on your downtime there isn't a lot to do. Was a bit like Boot Camp in that regard. Some of the guys would write letters home, some would work out or do other stuff."
"What did you do?" Mike was curious.
"Worked out ..... played cards."
"Remind me not to play poker with you."
"Didn't say I was good."
"True," the older man smiled before becoming serious, "you have any problems when you returned stateside?"
"Isn't it time you were going," the fair headed man looked at his watch pointedly.
"No."

"Mike what do you want from me?" Conrads' exasperation was obvious.
"Andys' death probably brought back a lot of memories you don't want to deal with," Mike spoke bluntly, "I want you to talk to me about what's going on with you. Tell me why the bathroom looked like it was a field hospital with blood and staples littering the floor. Tell me why you kept the fact that you had been stabbed from everyone."
"Geez sorry I asked," Conrad shook his head ruefully but didn't look at his friend, "you don't want much do you?"
"No."
"Look I'm fine okay so just drop it."
"No. Conrad there's no shame in talking to someone about a problem or an injury or even about being unwell. Why do you seem to feel ashamed or embarrassed about telling someone you're not well?"
"This ....," the tired man was cut off.
"This is me, your friend, asking you to talk to me. I happen to care a great deal about you young man and so does Jane. Not to mention Ms. Nevin, Dr. Pravesh and many others."
"I don't like ........ talking about myself okay. I never have," Conrad shifted uncomfortably under the Psychiatrists' scrutiny.
"Okay so tell me why that is?"
"What?"
"Tell me what's so difficult about saying I'm sick or hurt? Imagine if your patients didn't want to tell you their symptoms."
"I wouldn't be able to treat them properly."
"You think your patients are weak for needing help?"
"Course not!"
"You said you've always hated talking about yourself but you're outgoing. You definitely aren't shy."
"So?"
"I know when Jane was recovering that time she said you had suffered greatly. Even before the accident she always had a good insight into those around her. I knew that night from your reaction when she spoke that she was right. Did someone make you feel bad about being sick?"
"You have a vivid imagination."
"True but answer the question. Just you and me here."
"Why are you here?" Conrad tossed back.
"Told you. You're my friend. Now answer the damn question."
"Hell of a bedside manner you got there!"
"You're not in bed," Mike reminded with a wink, "now answer the question. Did someone make you feel bad about being sick?"
"Damn," Conrad clasped his hands together on his lap, "let's just say my ...... father wasn't a very ....... tolerant man."
"In what way?"
"He had no time for ...... sick people."
"And you were sick a lot?" Mike took a chance.
"Guess he thought so."
"What exactly did he do to show his intolerance?"
"Usually he just used words," Conrad shrugged nonchalently.
"What else did he do?"
"When he was really mad he'd lock me in my room."
"For how long,"
"Doesn't matter."
"Yes it does."
"It varied. Sometimes ...... a day, other times longer."
"Where was your mother when this was going on?"
"She never knew what went on," Conrad turned to face his friend for the first time, "she was away a lot. Working. If she had known she would have done something."
"How old were you when your eye problem started?" Mike changed the topic.
"Who said .....,"
"Conrad I've seen you at Chastain with eyes hidden behind sunglasses when there was no need for them unless you had an eye problem. So how old were you "
"Twelve."
"And before that how was your father towards you."
"Don't remember, distant I guess. He was away a lot."
"So who raised you?" Mike raised a brow.
"My mother."
"But you said she was away a lot."
"Not as much as him."
"When you said your father used words what did he say?"
"Mike it was a lifetime ago."
"Maybe but those words are still effecting you today."

Conrad looked at his hands again wondering if he could actually talk to someone about his childhood. They were only words after all he mentally chastised himself but those words had defined him in many ways.

tbc