Perseverance (The Resident FF) by Frances51163

CHAPTER FORTY: Confronting Conrad

Much to Conrads' consternation upon waking his two friends insisted on him eating a proper meal and then sat down on the spacious couch on either side of him. The men were careful not to invade the young mans' space as Mike decided to start the difficult conversation.

"You've suffered three losses recently and that hasn't been easy on you. I want to know what actually drove you to cut yourself this time."
"No," Conrad shook his head as he blushed in embarrassment and tried to stand up but found himself restrained from both sides.
"You know whatever you say will stay between us," Jude encouraged gently, "you need to talk Conrad."
"There's no need! I ...... I won't do it again."
"No one is judging you here," the Psychiatrist informed the young man as he shared a look with the Surgeon knowing his friend had finally, if inadvertently, admitted the problem, "come on. It will help."
"I ....... know it's ....... wrong .......," the pale man put his hand over his wounded arm and rubbed it distractedly, "it's just .......,"
"Go on."
"It ....... just takes some of the pressure off. Once I do it I guess ........ I don't feel so bad."
"You take your hurt and worry out on yourself. Why do you do that?" Jude probed.
"Who else would I take it out on?" Conrad frowned looking at his hands in his lap.
"When you cut yourself as a child did it make you feel better?"
"I don't know. It was a long time ago. I can't remember."
"But you kept doing it after the first time so .........," Mike let the sentence hang in the air.
"So?"
"So how did it make you feel?"
"It doesn't matter."
"How did it make you feel?"
"It ...... made me feel like ....... I ....... I had control over something."
"Makes sense," Mike nodded, "as a child you had no control over what happened to you and cutting gave you some control."
"It's stupid."
"No it's not. You haven't told us why you did it this time."
"Told ye enough."
"It's not that easy. Why this time?" Mike persisted.
"I was just dealing with some ....... stuff okay?"
"No."
"Please just drop it okay?" the fair haired man pleaded.
"What were you feeling when you did it?" Jude watched his friend seeing the panic in his eyes.
"I just wanted a break okay? Is that so wrong?!"
"Nothing wrong with wanting a break. But what exactly did you want a break from?"
"I ...... my memories. That's all," Conrad sighed in defeat feeling utterly ashamed of his weakness.
"What memories?"
"Nuh uh," Conrad stood up before he could be stopped, "I've told ye enough. It's done."
"You telling me you're not going to cut yourself again?" Mike queried as he stood and walked over to the agitated man, "and before you answer the question remember my profession."
"I'm done talking," Conrad growled and headed over to the door and opened it, "I want ye to leave."
"Hey man we're just trying to help," Jude put in as he got up.
"Either ye leave or I do."
"Okay," the Psychiatrist nodded ignoring the startled look the Surgeon gave him, "we'll give you some time alone but we will be back."
"Just go," the Resident nodded to the mens' jackets.
"Okay. Take some of the antibiotics I left on the counter," Jude instructed deciding to follow the older mans' lead for he had more experience, "and change the dressing later."
"Geez I never would have pegged you for a mother hen," Conrad commented lightly, relieved now that he was going to be left alone.
"Just do what you're told for a change," Jude rolled his eyes as he put on his jacket, "call me if you need anything."
"I won't," Conrad held the door open for the pair, "thanks for ...... well ye know."
"We'll see you later," Mike confirmed with a wink, "and don't get any ideas about taking off. I'm too old to be chasing after you!"
"Can't argue with that," Conrad tossed back as he shut the door before any comeback could be given.

Out in the hallway Jude looked at his companion with a frown a they headed for the elevator.

"Are you sure it's wise to leave him?"
"He needs to know we trust him."
"But what if he does something worse?"
"He's not suicidal if that's what you're worried about."
"How can you be so sure? I never thought he would be suicidal but then I never thought he would cut himself either."
"Look I'm not saying that one doesn't lead to the other sometimes but it's not a foregone conclusion that if someone cuts themselves they will become suicidal," Mike elaborated as they reached the elevator and he pressed the button.
"So how long do we give him?"
"I'm hoping he'll let us know how long he needs," the older man stated cryptically as the elevator chimed announcing its' arrival and they stepped inside.
"Mike!"
"I just mean once he's had some time to think I'm hoping he will realise that the best option for him is to accept our help and if he does that he'll contact us."
"And if he doesn't?"
"Then I'm afraid we have another battle. He told us a lot today. That's a good sign."
"Hope so," Jude sighed as the elevator reached the ground floor.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Conrad eyed the antibiotics and debated whether or not to take them. Deciding that letting the infection continue to play havoc with his system might result in a hospital visit he took two of the blue and white capsules with a gulp of water. Walking over to the couch he sat down and went over recent events in his mind. It was true he had experienced losses lately but everyone lost someone. After all death was the one certainty every single person on the planet had to face no matter their age, gender, race or creed. He knew the loss of Eric and Danny so close to losing Andy had allowed feelings of grief to well up inside him but he also knew that was a totally natural reaction. He had been speaking honestly when he had divulged to his friends that the return of memories had been the instigator of his return to cutting himself. He had not been pretending that it was the memories rather than his friends' deaths which resulted in him using a knife on himself this time. He shook his head. It shamed him that his friends now knew what he did to himself. He had never thought he would let anyone know about his safety net. He knew that outside of people who resorted to self harm and the medical profession most found it hard to understand the issue and each case was different. He shook his head knowing logically that it was a complicated reaction to extreme circumstances. Mike had been right in that when he had started as a young boy cutting himself allowed him to have a semblance of control. At least once he cut himself some of the self hatred and anger had diminished. Of course it proved to only be a temporary fix. In the long run it had not solved any of his problems. He still had to deal with his fathers' unpredictable mood swings and endure long periods of enforced solitude. He brushed aside such dark thoughts not willing to dwell on a time which seemed to have come to alive in his mind again. A time when he had no one to offer help. No one to turn to. That realization caused him to frown. He had help now didn't he? People who cared that he could trust. He looked at his cell and considered his next move.

tbc