Perseverance (The Resident FF) by Frances51163

CHAPTER EIGHTY-NINE: The Problem With Denial

Denying he had been physically hurt had been an automatic reaction for Conrad when Mike had quizzed him months before.
Part of him had actually believed the words he had spoken to the concerned man for those injuries hadn't been thought of for many years. He had buried them so deeply that he never expected them to see the light of day again. The nightmares which had been disturbing his dreams related to his childhood on occasions but mainly to his time in Afghanistan, which we assumed was because of his friends' deaths. He had never before had a nightmare about that afternoon in the kitchen. He shivered again and took another swallow of the strong drink as his gaze rested on the shimmering Pacific waters.

"Are you going to tell me what the nightmare was about?" Jude finally prompted.
"You know Mike .... he asked me before if I had been hurt physically and I ....... said no."
"But you were," Jude spoke softly but with certainty.
"Thing is I haven't thought of those times in years so I wasn't lying. Least I didn't think I was."
"Going back to Savannah probably unearthed a lot of stuff you hadn't thought of in years."
"Guess so," Conrad agreed ruefully, "and the whole of idea of the trip was to lay some ghosts to rest!"
"Something tells me you have a lot of ghosts my friend."
"How about you?" Conrad shifted his gaze from the sparkling moonlit view and looked across at the older man.
"Oh I have ghosts," Jude assured honestly, "and you know them. Your were with me when I collected them."
"Afghanistan is always going to be a part of us, whether we like it or not."
"I know," the Surgeon eyed his companion carefully before continuing, "took a really good Counsellor to get me to accept that."
"You went to a Counsellor?"
"Yeah," Jude frowned, "I told you that before."
"You did," the pale man sighed with a tired nod as he looked at the remains of the whiskey in his glass.
"So tell me about the nightmare."
"You're like a dog with a bone."
"Just tell me."
"I was around seven I think," the fair haired man returned his eyes to the outside world, "my father had given Tom and Alicia a fortnights' holiday. They didn't want to leave but he insisted. Of course I didn't know that at the time. Anyway my father could be quite ...... strict and he liked to show who was in control."
"Where was your mother?"
"She was away, can't remember where. Anyway I had got bored with reading so I decided to go downstairs to get some milk. I hadn't had anything since lunchtime the day before so I was really hungry. That morning I had been told to make a cheese sandwich for my dinner. It was the first time I had made one. When I went downstairs my father was still there but was on the way out. He said he was expecting a guest and did not want to see me for the rest of the day. He told me to get the milk and go back upstairs. I had heard the door opening and closing and figured he was gone. I'm telling you that cheese sandwich just sitting on the shelf in the refrigerator looked like a feast."
"Not surprising."
"I got a half a glass of milk and even shut the doors after putting the milk carton back but .........," Conrad ducked his head, "I couldn't resist the food. Figured if I took half he wouldn't notice."
"Nothing wrong with wanting food."
"It took me a while to break the sandwich apart since I wasn't allowed to use a knife," Conrad spoke as if he hadn't heard the interruption, "think that's where I went wrong. I had heard the car driving away but I was so focussed on the sandwich that I never heard it coming back."
"Damn."
"I had put the plate back with the bulky part pointing out. As usual I wrapped the food in paper napkins. I was just after putting the sandwich into my shirt and had picked up the glass when .....," the young man suddenly up and walked over to the wall where he began hitting his head against the hard surface.
"Whoa! Conrad stop!" Jude had been momentarily startled by his friends' abrupt action but quickly enveloped the smaller man in a hug and pulled him away from the wall guiding him over to the bed where he forced him to sit down beside him, maintaining a hold around his shoulders.
"My fault," the distressed man stated angrily.
"You were seven years old. Anything that happened was out of your control. You didn't do anything to deserve him hurting you."
"If I had just left the damn sandwich," Conrad shrugged out of the hold and stood up to pace, "it was just a sandwich!"

"Tell me what he did," Jude looked up at his friend seeing a vulnerability behind the surface anger which struck him to the core.
"He ..... hurt me."
"I want to know what exactly he did."
"What's the point? Won't make any difference," Conrad walked over to stand in front of the window, seeking refuge once again in the outside world.
"Might stop you having that nightmare again."
"He ....... beat me ......... till I was unconscious. Next thing I knew I was locked in my room. Can still see the rage in his eyes."
"I'm sorry you went through that but you have to let yourself accept that it wasn't your fault. You didn't make your father beat you. He was the adult and he betrayed his duty to you, his son. A father is supposed to look after his child not harm him so cruelly. What injuries did you have?"
"I was a kid Jude all I knew was everything hurt."
"Did he break anything?" the Surgeon pressed.
"A few ribs I think," Conrad admitted reluctantly with a shrug.
"Was that the first time he got physical?"
"Yeah," Conrad looked back at his friend, "I've never told anyone that."
"From what you said you buried it deep," Jude offered thoughtfully, "but you know yourself everyone deals with trauma differently. There's no right way or wrong way."
"Never dreamt of that day before. Don't know why it happened tonight."
"Maybe it happened because you've finally allowed yourself to relax properly," the older man suggested, "maybe deep down you know it's time to face some things. I'm here with you the whole way man so whatever happens you're not alone."
"Don't know why you bother," Conrad sank down on his chair at the table and eyed the almost empty glasses before asking hopefully, "you willing to have a hangover in the morning?"
"Whiskey won't help," Jude pointed out as he rejoined his friend at the table, "and to answer your question I came on this trip with you because you're one of my best friends and it's no bother. Could never be. You pulled my ass out of the fire a few times in the past so now I have a chance to return the favour, so to speak. Just wish you hadn't suffered so much. To be honest I don't know how you turned into the good man you are."
"Oh sure!"
"Hey buddy I don't say things if I don't mean them so when I say you're a 'good' man it's because you are and one day you'll accept yourself as everyone else sees you," Jude eyed his friend seriously, seeing the self doubt lurking and knowing tonight was only the beginning but at least the first step had finally been taken, yet he had thought it had been taken months ago so he wasn't going to make assumptions.

tbc