Perseverance (The Resident FF) by Frances51163

CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR: Unjust Blame

Once the food was delivered both men sat at the kitchen counter.

"You want to tell me where you disappeared to last week," Mike asked around a mouthful of chicken curry.
"Didn't Jude tell you?"
"No," the older man replied, "he just said ye did some travelling and you were dealing with some memories."
"Oh," Conrad took a bite of egg.
"So are you going to tell me?"
"I went home."
"Been a long time since you were in Savannah."
"Yeah it has."
"Did it help?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well you obviously took off to deal with some things that have been troubling you. I just want to know if the trip was a success."
"Going home is not a success," Conrad argued as he poured some ketchup over the omelette.
"Depends on the situation but given the fact that you are still having trouble sleeping I'm guessing the trip didn't help. Was it hard going back after all these years?"
"Not really. It was just a place where I grew up."
"Are your nightmares about your childhood only or do they include other things?"
"Mainly just things when I was a kid," the Resident answered quietly, "they'll go away eventually. They always do."

"How old were you when you started cutting?" Mike changed the topic suddenly.
"I ...... I don't want to talk about it."
"I know," the Psychiatrist nodded, "but you need to talk about that. Something like that is not going to resolve underlying issues. You know yourself the act of cutting only provides a temporary release of the pressure you're under. I know you must be sick of me saying this but talking really can help. Wouldn't you like to get a break from all that stress you've got bottled up?"
"Mike I can't .....,"
"You can," the older man insisted as put down his cutlery after demolishing most of his meal, "now how old were you?"
"I don't know," Conrad reluctantly answered around a cough, "I think I gave Jude a fright."
"When?"
"We were looking at stuff in my old house. He found an old knife under the mattress in my room."
"But you didn't use it on yourself?"
"No. I hid it there because it gave me the illusion that I could get out of the room if I really wanted to."
"When was the first time you cut yourself?"
"Guess it was after my father had spent an hour berating me after he found me looking after an injured bird out in the back garden. Tom and Alicia were away for a few days."
"Who are they?"
"Alicia was the Housekeeper/Nanny and Tom, her husband, was the Gardener," Conrads' voice became wistful as he spoke.
"You cared about them?"
"They were kind to me."
"You sound like you were surprised by that."
"They weren't even related to me," Conrad twirled the water in his glass as if looking for answers.
"Blood doesn't dictate what the heart feels."
"Now you sound like Alicia."
"You cared about them. I'm glad you had them. Now tell me what your father said that led to you cutting."
"Ask me something easy why don't you!"
"Go on. Just you and me here."
"It wasn't what he said. I was used to his words. It was what he ...... did."
"Go on."
"He ...... broke the birds' neck. It was injured but I was looking after it. It was doing okay! He didn't have to kill it."
"Why do you think he killed it?"
"He told me. He said birds have no value and therefore did not deserve to be looked after."
"Damn."
"I was dragged to my room after dinner and left there for five days."
"So when you got out what did you do?"
"My father went on a business trip. He didn't give me a chance to talk. He just unlocked the bedroom door and then left. I went downstairs and Alicia was baking cookies. I saw a knife on the counter and I took it. Don't really remember what I was planning but once I got back to my room I just felt so angry. Next thing I knew I had a cut on my arm. Didn't really hurt much so I did a bigger one."
"How did it make you feel?"
"Like I deserved it. It was my fault the bird was killed."
"No, that was your fathers' doing," Mike spoke firmly, "so how old were you when that happened?"
"Around ten or eleven."
"How regularly would you do it after that?"
"Don't know. I didn't do it a lot, just every now and then."
"Before you cut your arm this time when was the last time?"
"Years," Conrad got up from his stool and picked up the two dishes to empty the remains into the bin, "I know it's wrong. I know it doesn't help."
"Yet you do it anyway."
"I won't do it any more."
"Your nightmares. The ones that are stopping you sleeping. What are they about?"
"You know," the younger man busied himself rinsing the plates under the tap before depositing them in the dishwasher.
"I want you to tell me the specifics," Mike rose and brought over the two empty glasses.
"What's the point?"
"You know," Mike gestured towards the couch, "come on it won't be that hard."
"You promise?" Conrad slowly trailed his friend over towards the window and sat down on one end.
"What are the dreams about?" the Psychiatrist asked, avoiding giving a false promise to his young friend.

"They're not about anything good," the Resident intertwined his fingers on his lap trying to control his nervousness, "just bits and pieces of things that happened."
"But they're enough to scare you," Mike spoke perceptively, "what's the worst one that keeps recurring?"
"I ....... I was locked in my room when my mother left the last time. She thought I was at school. My father had locked me up the night before. She called to the house unexpectedly to collect her things. She hadn't been living there for a while."

"And?" the Psychiatrist gently probed after the silence lingered on and it appeared the distressed man was not going to elaborate.
"My father was giving out to her. I never heard them arguing before although I knew they didn't like each other."
"Could you hear the conversation?"
"Yeah. Most of it was on the landing outside my room."
"Yet you didn't call out to your mother?"
"No," Conrad replied, obviously surprised by the question.
"Why didn't you? You told me she never knew what went on yet you had a chance to show her. Why not call out?"
"I couldn't," Conrad ducked his head as he shifted nervously on the leather couch, "he might have hurt her."
"How old were you at that time?"
"Thirteen."
"Had he threatened her before?"
"Yeah but looking back now I realize he wouldn't actually have hurt her. He was only tormenting me."
"It's understandable you would believe any threats he made. After all you had seen what he did to the bird. You were a child Conrad. You had no way of knowing how manipulative he could be."
"Guess not."
"So what about the incident with your mother terrified you? You didn't let her know you were at home so she wasn't in danger," Mike went over what he had been told, "but you couldn't be sure. Is that what scared you?"
"Yeah," Conrad blushed at the admission.
"But in your dreams something does happen to your mother?"
"Look we've talked enough," the fair haired man stood up quickly and headed over to the kitchen area.
"She gets hurt," Mike spoke as he approached the counter and looked at his pacing companion, "what happens in your dreams?"
"She ....... he kills her!"

tbc