Perseverance (The Resident FF) by Frances51163

CHAPTER FIFTY-FIVE: Confiding Secrets

Silence reigned down on the kitchen after the pale Residents' anguished admission. The younger man looked away from his friend, unwilling to see his reaction.

"Conrad the mind is a complex thing. You know that. Your dreams about your mothers' death are a way of dealing with the fear you experienced over her. You really believed your fathers' threats. The fact they were empty is immaterial. At the time to you they were the real deal to you. It's a perfectly natural response if not an easy one to deal with."
"But all that was years ago!"
"The kind of terror you experienced stays with a person," Mike stepped closer to the younger man, "it's normal for you to have these nightmares, even now. You need to stop beating yourself up over the fact that you are suffering them. You're entitled to feel whatever you feel. Turning your anger inwards won't help."
"Nothing will."
"Talking to someone will help. Would you be willing to see someone I recommend?"
"No," Conrad backed away, shaking his head resolutely, "I'm not talking to anyone else."
"You've spoken to me and Jude. Was it that hard?"
"Yes. Yes it was," Conrad looked at the ground, "I ....... I don't want to talk to anyone about my childhood. It's not up for discussion."
"You'll talk to me though, and Jude?"
"I have."
"Like I said before you've told us some. I promise you won't be able to tell us anything that will make us walk away."
"Why ........ why do you say that?"
"Because I sense that you're afraid that whatever you tell us will drive us away. From what little you've told me you had to learn how to rely on yourself solely when you were growing up. That was instilled in you by what was done to you. You spoke of Alicia and Tom. Did you ever talk to them about what was happening?"
"No."
"Because you didn't trust them or because you were afraid for them?"
"You're good," Conrad acknowledged the other mans' intuition.
"Well given they were with you more than your mother it was a logical conclusion your father might have threatened them also."
"He knew exactly what to say to get me to keep quiet. Anyway it was all a long time ago."
"But you are still dealing with it to this day so brushing it under the carpet hasn't worked. Have you ever told Alicia and Tom?"
"No need to."
"Perhaps it would help to talk to them about the threats."
"No it wouldn't," Conrad insisted as he unknowingly rubbed his wound.
"Stop," Mike put out a hand to halt the action, "that won't help."
"I wasn't trying to do anything," Conrad quickly denied and moved away from the touch.

"Not intentionally no," Mike agreed, "how about getting some sleep?"
"Yeah I think I will," the fair haired man nodded, relieved for a chance to end the discussion.
"Good. I'll find a movie to watch," Mike walked over to the television and retrieved the remote control, "don't worry I'll keep it low."
"No! Mike you have to go."
"No I don't," the Psychiatrist pretended to be confused, knowing full well what the younger man was afraid of, "now go on."
"Mike I can't sleep while you're here."
"Sure you can and if you have a nightmare I can wake you up."
"I'm not a kid!"
"Never said you were," Mike reminded firmly as he casually staked a claim on the comfortable couch and turned on the large monitor, "now go on. I think there's a western on I wanted to see."

Conrad shook his head as he shrugged out of his jeans before laying down under the covers. He knew his friend meant well but there was no way he was going to sleep with him in the apartment. He'd just have to pretend he slept and in a couple of hours get up and send the older man on his way. He stifled a yawn as he turned on his side and listened to the low sounds of horses' hooves.

The next thing Conrad knew was someone was screaming. Sitting up he saw his friend sitting beside the bed regarding him worriedly. As he became more aware of his surroundings he became aware of his heart pounding and raised a hand to wipe sweat from his brow. He felt like he had run a marathon. He frowned. He wondered what had woken him and then the realization hit him. He had fallen asleep! Any doubts were dispelled by the darkened apartment.

"Want to tell me what you were dreaming about?" Mike eventually spoke.
"I ..... I don't remember," the shaken man answered truthfully but he could guess.
"In your nightmares how does your mother die?" the Psychiatrist leaned forward on his chair as the other man leant back against the pillows, obviously still tired.
"Doesn't matter?"
"In that case you should have no problem telling me."
"Why do you want to know?"
"Because you don't want to talk about it," Mike answered honestly, "come on tell me."
"She ....... he ......he runs her over with his SUV."
"Is that what he threatened to do?"
"That and ..... other things."
"So he actually described how he was going to kill your mother?" Mike wanted to get everything out in the open.
"Yeah," Conrad seemed surprised by the question as he yawned.
"What else did he threaten to do?"
"He told me once he'd shoot her."
"He had guns?"
"He liked hunting," Conrads' tone evidenced his disdain for such activity.
"That must have been very hard on you as a child."
"Mike it was life. That's all."
"But it was a life you did not deserve. You've had these nightmares on and off for years and not speaking to someone has meant you have suffered in silence."
"'Suffer'?" the Resident shook his head brushing off the comment.
"Yes," Mike was, yet again, not about to let his young friend belittle what he went through and was still going through, "nightmares can sometimes be simply random occurrences but in your case the nightmares have a very real basis in reality. All the worry and stress you built up as a child dealing with your fathers' treatment is fuelling the nightmares. I'm guessing the deaths of your friends has exacerbated things. You've had to deal with a lot of loss recently."

"Everyone loses someone," Conrad said softly looking at his hands.
"True but you're dealing with the loss of three good friends. That's a lot of grief for anyone to handle."
"I'm used to people dying Mike. It's a part of life. You forget my profession."
"That may be the case but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with the resulting grief. Doctors are as human as anyone else. How do you deal with the grief?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well I know you don't take your anger out on those around you. You don't go out and get drunk. What do you actually do?"
"What do you do?" the fair haired man countered.
"Me? I think of the good times shared and I talk to people about how I feel."
"Guess I walked into that one," Conrad said as he rolled his eyes, "I deal with things my way. Just because I don't deal with grief like you do doesn't mean I'm wrong."
"It's not about being right or wrong," Mike noted gently, "it's about dealing with any situation in a way that isn't detrimental to you. Bottling things up is detrimental to you. Taking misplaced anger out on yourself is also detrimental."
"I can't control my nightmares."
"I know you're not having nightmares on purpose," Mike explained patiently, "that's a given. What I also know is outside factors give oxygen to most nightmares. If that oxygen is cut off the nightmares will die off."
"Just like that? Conrad asked in disbelief.
"I never said it was going to be easy. So tell me more about your fathers' threats ......,"

tbc